No talking! Write it down :D
by madeinchina371
Summary: Notes, IMs, letters, and emails by Bella and other Twilight characters. Takes place after BD. Characters sometimes OOC. Sillyness predominates. Rated T for sexual innuendoes and potty language.
1. PANTS

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. (dur)

Hi. So this is my first Fanfic ever, so sorry if it's not that great. My friends and I have read so many really hysterical Note-passing fanfics online that they thought I should give it a try (cuz they think I'm hysterical...)

Sometimes characters might get a little OOC, but for the most part I'm trying to make them as in character as possible but still funny. As in, Bella wont be all randomly crazy-ified all the time, maybe just in random bursts.

Also, one more thing, This takes place AFTER Breaking Dawn, so **MUCHO SPOILERS AHEAD!!**

_Bella, _**Edward, _Jasper, Emmet. (Bella and Edward are in their cottage, Jasper and Emmet enter later.)_**

* * *

_OME!_

_No, Edward if you have something to say, then write it down._

_I said No Talking! Write it down! :-D_

**What is this 'OME'? What does it stand for?**

_Oh My Edward!!1!1_

**Oh. Should I be flattered of disturbed?**

_Flattered, of course!_

**Thank you, then.**

**Bella?**

_Yes?_

**Please put your pants back on.**

_??_

**Yes, Bella, I love you too, and I would very much like to get carried away at the moment, but our daughter is in the next room and Emmet and Jasper will be coming over soon.**

_??_

**I'm sorry Bella. Later?**

_EDWARD. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT._

**I'm sorry to disappoint you Bella, but would you please just put your pants back on?**

_My pants ARE on!!_

**Bella, I am looking right at you and you are most certainly not wearing any pants!**

_What the hell??_

_Oh, hey, Jasper! Emmet! NO! WAIT! NO TALKING! Write it down. :-D_

**Erm, oookay... So hey you two...Oh, um, I hope we're not interrupting anything...**

_**Edward, Bella? Why are you two so confused?**_

_ERm, Jasper?_

_**Yes Bella?**_

_Am I wearing any pants?_

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-OW!! Bells!**

**Nice roundhouse kick, Bella.**

_Thank you. Now shut up, Emmett._

**Gladly****.**

_**Bella, to answer your question, um yes, you are wearing pants.**_

**THEN WHY CAN'T I SEE THAT??**

_Oh. Ohhhhhh! Oh, come on, she is soooo annoying._

**Oh. ZARFINA!!**

* * *

Thanks for reading! Please review and let me know if I should post more.

Also, ideas would be welcome.


	2. Victoria's Secret?

Disclaimer: Je ne possede pas _Twlight._ if you have not realized the joys of learning French

Hey! This is my second chapter. Hope you like! Review please.

_Bella, _**Edward, **Alice. (Bella and Edward are hunting in the woods.)

* * *

_Omigosh Eddwardnshniffle?_

**Eddwardnshniffle?**

_No, that's YOUR name._

**Oh.**

_So I was thinking._

**Oh, Lord. Here we go with these notes again.**

_Shhh! I'm talking here!_

**Well, actually, love, I'd like to point out that we are writing, not in actuality talking.**

**Bella?**

**I'm sorry, I'll write these notes if it makes you happy.**

_Weeeeeeeeeee!!_

_Okay, so I was thinking, you know how we have lots of money and you like to buy me stuffz but I hate that and such?_

**Yes. I recall. **

_I was thinking that you could buy me something if you wanted._

**Buy you something? Who are you? Where is Bella? What have you done with her?**

_I want a present. A PRESENTTTTTT!!111!!11!!11_

**Alright! What would you like?**

_Oh! Um, I don't' know. Oh McGrizzlies! I know what I want!!_

**And that would be?**

_STATIONARY!!_

**Let me guess. For writing notes. Am I correct?**

_Oh, schizophrenia. You guessed it. BUT I WANT PINK STATIONARY._

**Pink?**

_AND FRILLY!!_

**Frilly??**

_WITH LACE!!_

**I'm sorry?**

_And I want to go to Victoria's Secret!_

**Shouldn't you ask Alice to take you there? I'm sure she would love that.**

_EDWARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!11!!1!!1 I lurrrrrrrrrrrrrv youuuuuu!! Pookie face!! MWah!!_

**Bella?? There is no way this is Bella. Is this...is this Alice?**

Mwahahahahahahahahahahah!

**But how...? Oh, Lord help me.**

**ZARFINA!**

* * *

So, to anybody who didn't understand that (even though I thought it was pretty clear, but just in case), Alice and Zarfina conspired to make Edward think Alice was Bella, hence Alice's handwriting suddenly appearing at the end.

Cuz that OBVI wasn't Bella talking. :-D


	3. Sethyypooo!

Disclaimer: I don't pwn Twilight.

Ok, a Bella's a little OOC in this chapter. I think that Bella will be OOC and random/funny aobut half the time, and i'll let you know when. She will be crazy when I'm being ADD and hyper, and she will be normal yet still totally hilARious when I am being normal yet still hilarious.

Basically, depends on my mood. You get it.

* * *

lInstant Message with s.clearwater from b.cullen l

b.cullen: OMIGOSH IT'S SETHYYYYPOO!

s.clearwater: Hiya, Bella. What's doin?

b.cullen: Sethyyyyy!! Yayyyy!! Hiiiiii!

s.clearwater: Hi, Bella.

s.clearwater: ...

s.clearwater: so, anything interesting happen lately?

b.cullen: OMIGOSH, TOTALLY YEAH. I mean, yesterday, when Jakey was here, he was all like, OME you guys actually smell good! And then we were all like, OMIGOSH, REALLLLLLY? And then he wuz all like, naw, You stink, as usual!

b.cullen: And then I punched him.

s.clearwater: Uh, yeah Bella. I know. I was there.

b.cullen: oh.

b.cullen: so what are you doing?

s.clearwater: pretty much just talking to you.

b.cullen: OMFE THAT'S SO FUNNY CUZ THE OTHER DAY I DID THE EXACT SAME THING!! I TOTALLY TALK TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME! OMFE THAT'S SO FUNNY IT'S LIKE WE'RE TWINS OR SOMETHING!! HAHA SETH UR SOOO FUNNY ILY!!

s.clearwater: Cool, yeah that's great.

b.cullen: So what are you doing NOW?

s.clearwater: uh, still talking to you?

b.cullen: haha ok this reminds me of a story and ur gonna love this ok so this one time I was im-ing my friend and I was all like, omigeezers what ARE ya doin? And then my friends was all like, oh em eff gee I'm talking to you, silly billy! And so I said, well, mr. love-of-my-life, it just so happens that I talk to me all the time too!

s.clearwater: Um, Bells?

b.cullen: yeah-huh?

s.clearwater: that was me.

b.cullen:  oh.

s.clearwater: and that was like, LITERALLY ten seconds ago.

b.cullen: oh.

s.clearwater: yep.

b.cullen: well are we still friends?

s.clearwater: of course! Don't be silly!

b.cullen:  you mean silly _billy_

s.clearwater: what?

b.cullen: Silly billy. That's his name.

s.clearwater: That's _whose_ name?

b.cullen: That's silly billy's name!

s.clearwater: I said WHOSE, Bella. Whoooose name is Silly Billy?

b.cullen: Yes.

s.clearwater: what?

b.cullen: exactly.

s.clearwater: Bella, you know you're making me very confused.

b.cullen: huh. You know, I get that a lot.

s.clearwater: I'm not surprised.

l s.clearwater signed off at 8:49:32 PM l

b.cullen: you know, Sethery, that time is creppily specific.

b.cullen: creepy clock!

b.cullen: creeper! Your clock is a creeper, Seth-cicles!!

b.cullen: Seth?

b.cullen: Seth??

b.cullen: I love you! Will you marry me??

b.cullen: Oh shit wait I'm already married.

b.cullen: Edward I want a divorce!!

b.cullen: What do you mean? Of course I'm not kidding!!

b.cullen: Wait, why am I still typing?

l b.cullen signed off at 8:54:29 PM l

* * *

Alright, this is just because i hate it that on AIM it has the times and theyre totally annoying because you can see the exact SECOND that someone types and it's tres tres tres annoying.

_Update: from popular demand from my friends, Bella will be very OOC, just not always crazy._


	4. Bella leaves Edward

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I'm not gonna continue posting this on every chapter; this is the last time. Obvi i don't own it.

* * *

A Note from Bella:

_Dearest Edward,  
_

_I am leaving you for Seth. He is much more of a man than you could ever hope to be. I love him oh so very much. Attached are divorce documents and I would be very grateful to you if you signed them. You can mail them to the address below.  
_

_I am sorry we could not do this face to face. Do not come looking for me. By the time you get this I will be long gone, with my true love, Seth Clearwater.  
_

_Do not be sad. Seth and I were made for each other. I have been harboring these feelings for a long time now. I love him with all my toes.  
_

_Sincerely,  
Your soon-to-be-ex-wife,  
Isabella._

* * *

A/N: Don't spazz, just go read the next one. I'm not a Bedward hater.

Review! (pleeease) I've gotten a lot of hits, but I'd love it if you'd review because then I can know what's funny and what's not. Also, any ideas, any at all, and I'll prob use them.

One more note: Paigeisavampire has the best notes ever. You should totally go read them. Now. Go. Seriously. (well, fine, read the rest of mine first. then go.)

Notes from the Cullen Coven by paigeisavampire


	5. Bella doesn't leave Edward?

Review Review Review! Ask and you shall recieve.

**Edward, **_Bella. (they are standing outside the Cullen house, on the porch, staring at the note Bella left on the door)_

* * *

**Bella?**

_Mmhmm?_

**What the hell is this?**

_A note. I left you. We can never be together again._

**You left me? But you're right here.**

_Oh yeah. Well, I haven't talked to Seth about it yet._

**You were going to run away with Seth Clearwater, but you haven't asked him if he wants to run away with you yet?**

_Well, yeah. It's not like he's gonna say 'no'. We're in LOVE, Edward. Gosh. I mean, just cuz you've never loved someone doesn't mean you can pretend you don't know what love is._

**What?**

_-sigh- I love Seth._

**Does this have anything to do with your conversation with Seth on the internet the other day?**

_Mehbe._

**Bella?**

_Yus?_

**I know that you're not running away with Seth. You can drop it now.**

_Aw phooey! What tipped you off?_

**Well, at the end there, you wrote, "I love him more than my own toes."**

_Oh._

**And quite frankly, Bella, the kid stinks.**

_Ugh, yeah. Why do we allow them in the house again?_

**Beats me.**


	6. y so srs?

**Edward, **_Bella_

* * *

**Bella?**

_Hmm?_

**Why so sad?**

_Why so SERIOUS?_

**Bella.**

_Fine. Well, its just...Seth imprinted._

**Oh really? Good for him!**

_I guess. But now he wont run away with me._

**I thought we established that your note was a farce?**

_Haha, farce sounds like fart._

**Bella.**

_Edward!_

**Do we know the girl he imprinted on? Who is she?**

_Well, see, there's some controversy about that right now..._

**Why?**

_Well, you see, the girl he imprinted on..._

**Yes?**

_Well, he hasn't actually seen her yet._

**What? I thought you had to see your imprintee to imprint.**

_Well, so did the wolves._

**I don't get it.**

_Well, see, Seth imprinted on a photo._

**...**

**...**

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

_It's not funny! I'm in love with him! And now he wants someone else!_

**You're right. It's not funny. So stop it.**

_Fine._

**So who did he imprint on?**

_Um..._

**More scandal?**

_Well yeah. See, we were looking at a magazine, and there was this article of Paris Hilton..._

**SETH IMPRINTED ON PARIS HILTON?**

_No._

**Then who?**

_Tinkerbell._

* * *

A/N: So i'm asking my friend for ideas, and she's like, "OME can werewolves imprint on a picture?"

and this was born.

more to come! i have 5 more chapters already typed up, but im not posting them untill i get more reviews. Please review so that I can know if more than 3 people want me to continue.


	7. XMEN2

**Edward, **_Bella, _Alice (at the Cullen's house, having just watched X-men2 last night)

* * *

_What's your name?_

**Edward.**

_What's your REAL name, Edward?_

**Umm, Edward?**

_No, your mutant name!_

**What?**

Jeez, Edward, keep up!

_Yeah, Edward, keep up!_

**Care to explain?**

_Well, in X-Men 2, the dude's like, "What's ur name?"_

And the other dude goes, "Johhnnny!!"

_And so the old dude says, "What's your REAL name, Johnny?"_

And he goes, "FIREEEEEGUYYYY!"

_And then Fireguy does all this crazy fire stuff with fire._

**Oh, yes, I believe I've seen that one. And actually, his name is John. And his 'real' name is Pyro.**

_Well our version is better._

Yeah, waaaay better.

**Sure.**

* * *

yeah, so my friends and i have this ongoing thing about x-men 2 where we say that: "what's ur name?" "johnny" "what's ur real name johnny?" "fireguy!!" and it's just cuz our version's better.

cuz we're so boss.

Please review!! i'd like to know what everybody thinks. also, as i have previously mentioned, any ideas you have, anything you want me to write about, just let me know and i will.

i have up to 20 chapters sitting on my computer, so the more reviews i get the more ill put up!


	8. Paris talk

okay, so i had some partial inspiration for this one from Notes with Alice, Bella & The Cullens by lanna-misssunshine. It's all twisted around to be made into my story, but i thought i'd mention it just in case.

**please read if you own a story on . **Also, if anyone reads this who has a notes story on and reads something vaugely theirs, then i sincerely apologize for using your work. I know that i hate plagerizing, and just want to let you know that it was an aciident. If you do find some of your ideas or something and are really mad, just let me know and i'll change it/take it off. It's just that i've read so many notes stories that i no longer know what is mine and what is someone else's.

**Edward, **_Bella, _Alice (they are in Charlie's house for a visit, watching Sue cook Charlie's lunch with much disgust.)

* * *

_Edward?_

**Yes Bella?**

_What would happen if we took over the world?_

**Umm, we would have taken over the world?**

_No, I mean what would we DO?_

We would drive around Paris on a dog sled and throw potatoes at people who weren't weaRing hats.

_Exactly._

**Wow. You two must really have something against Paris people.**

_Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool._

Who is Sweet Jay?

**How come we've never met him? Is he someone I should know about? **

_Aww, don't be jelous, Edward. You know I love you, and ONLY you._

Yeah. I've seen it. She loves you, and only you. And Seth.

**-growls-**

_SETH! WHERE ARE YOU! I MISS YOU!! SEEEEETTTTHHHHH!_

**Seth is away, remember? He's in LA.**

Why? 

**Tinkerbell.**

Ah.

* * *

Like I said, inspiration from Notes with Alice, Bella & The Cullens by lanna-misssunshine. It was just so funny that I asked my friends that question, and used our convos. Disapointingly, none of them really got the concept of the game. I would be like, what would happen if we took over the world? And they'd go, Um, we'd be supreme rulers? I'd get all frusturated and say, Yes, h1t head, but what would we DO??

**20.87965 point to anyone who can tell me what is the movie quote, which movie it's from, the character's name, and the actor's name.  
(partial credit also awarded)**

(i love movie trivia)


	9. XMEN2 '2'

**I was watching X-MEN2 last night. And the night before. So that's why the two chapters about them.**

**(btw, still waiting to hear about the quote from last chapter...)**

_Bella, _Alice

* * *

_OHMIGOD ALICE GUESS WHAT WHAT WHAT._

What what what?

_X-men 2._

What about it?

_You know the part where there's this little boy with Harry Potter type glasses, and he's up in the middle of the night watching TV?_

Yeah, and he's changing the channels by blinking.

_THAT'S LIKE YOU!!_

Gasp! It is so not!

_It totally is! You don't sleep, neither does he!_

I don't look like Harry Potter!

_Fine then. He's like Emmett._

Emmett doesn't look like Harry Potter either, Bella.

_Au contraire._

But he doesn't!

_I know._

Bella, do you know what 'au contraire' means?

_That would be a negative._

It means 'on the contrary'. 

_Oh._

Yeah.

_OHMIGOSH EMMETT IS HARRY POTTER!!111!!1!11!11!11 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?? WE HAVE TO GO TELL HIM!!1!1!1!!111 _

* * *

**so, yeah. Emmett Harry Potter. any ideas, things you want me to write about, just let me know. I want to put up more, but I really need to see some more reviews first. I have 21 chapters written as of now, but I'm really hesitant to put them up. I can see that a lot of people have read my story, but practically none of them have reviewed.**

**Please, just a tiny review, a yes or a no, would do.**


	10. never ending breaksticks

**Edward, Emmet**

* * *

**Edward!**

**Yes, Emmett?**

**I wanna go to Olive Garden!**

**What? WHY?**

**Because! The food looks so yummy! And the lunch special is only 5.99!**

**Emmett, Olive Garden is not a vampire restaurant.**

**Your point?**

**They do not serve humans.**

**Oh. **

**The advertisement was 5.99 for soup, salad, and never-ending breadsticks, not 5.99 for four extremely happy looking humans.**

**Oh. –dies a little on the inside-**

* * *

Olive Garden equals da bomb.

(not that I've ever been there...)


	11. No2

Alice, _Bella _(Bella has decided that she hasnt been paying enough attention to her Farrari who she named Asparagus, btw so the two of them are drving around watching the gas meter slide further and further closer to E)

* * *

_Alice?_

Yeah?

_If I were an evil doctor, would you be my number two man?_

Sure! What would your name be?

_Doctor Evil._

What's my name?

_Number Two._

I think I get it now.

* * *

Anyone know what movie this is?

Anyone know what movie the quote from ch 8 is?

Points still up for grabs.

**update: anyone who knows what the movie quote from ch 8 is, anyone who even just knows what the movie is, you get 5,000,000,000 points! i know it's a hard quote, and here's a hint: the character who says the quote's hair changed between the colors red and black. and he's a total badass who is the voice of someone on family guy.**

come on guys, you should get this!


	12. Emotional Peptalk

_Bella, **Jasper **_

(The two gorgeous vampires are sitting in Rosalie's room,  
spending some quality time together by watching Rosalie  
look at herself in the mirror.)**_

* * *

_**

_Jasper?_

_**Yes Bella?**_

_I'm sad._

_**I know.**_

* * *

Okay, I know no explanation really needed on this one.  
It's just something my friend and I found hilar (eeous).  
We just love the fact that Jasper can feel everyone's emotions,  
cuz it doesn't come into play in the books as much as you'd  
expect of a super-cool yet somehow lame power.


	13. a gorgeous therapist

This is what happens when you start to read to much into vampire abilities (but more of that to come l8r...ha! i can't resist giving teasers...)

_Jasper,_ Alice

* * *

_**Hey Alice?**_

Hmm?

_**What would you say about me becoming a therapist?**_

Um, you'd be a very good one?

_**That's what I thought. –virtual smug-ness-**_

Shut up! –virtually punches you-

_**Ow! –virtually rubs his arm-**_

You know, sometimes you really annoy me, Jasper.

_**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...**_

_**How do you feel about that?**_

Well, actually, it's really annoying!

_**Now, how does that make you FEEL?**_

Annoyeeeeeddddd!!

_**-writes on clipboard- Uh huh, uh huh. Now let's examine this. Are you really annoyed at me, or are you perhaps a tad bit annoyed at yourself?**_

I...I..I-I guess I never thought about it that way before.

_**Uh huh, uh huh. –scribbles intensely- Now, can we think about WHY we are annoyed at ourselves?**_

Ummm...I guess I'm a little annoyed at myself for provoking you into annoying me.

_**Hush, hush. Let us not blame others for our own problems, Alice. Do not blame this so-called 'Jasper' when it is clearly your own fault.**_

That's it.

_**I'm sorry?**_

I'm not putting up with this anymore.

_**I do not understand.**_

I'm not gonna put up with all your crap!

_**Alice, calm down. Let us examine this for a moment. Why are you upset?**_

Because you're annoying the hell out of me!!

_**Okay. –writes hastily- Patient...is...aggrivated...and...insane...**_

Hey! I heard that!

_**I apologize. Now, Alice, how does that make you FEEL?**_

Jasper, I swear...you do that one more time...

_**Ah, interesting, interesting. So, Alice, taking into account the fact that you're insane and probably imagining all this... **_

_**How do you feel about that?**_

That's it. Because you are my husband, I will give you a head start.

_**I'm sorry?**_

1...

_**Uh oh. Alice, stop.**_

2...

_**We can discuss this. Crazy person to sane person.**_

3!

_**Ahhhhh!!**_

* * *

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME.

XOXO, SAM. 3

(that's me by the way. I just realized i never told you guys my name. teehee)


	14. Behind Closed Doors

_Bella, **Jasper. **(The two are passing notes under a firmly locked door. Sure, Bella could easily have picked the lock, or broken down the door, or spoken...or really any matter of things, but why would she do something like that? This was just so much funner!!_

* * *

_Jasper._

_**-sigh- Yes Bella?**_

_Why are you in the closet?_

_**I'm hiding from Alice.**_

_Oh. Why?_

_**She's chasing me.**_

_Why?_

_**Because I was annoying her.**_

_Why?_

_**Because it was super-duper fun! (Dur.)**_

_Why?_

_**Because Alice is cute when she's annoyed. Well, she's cute all the time, but there's vampires for ya.**_

_Why?_

_**What? That doesn't make any sense.**_

_Why?_

_**Bella. Stop.**_

_Why?_

_**Because! Your annoying m-  
Oh.  
Did Alice put you up to this?**_

_COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, JASPER!!_

* * *

Haha, just something i thought was a cute follow up to the previous chapter. I love the fact that Jasper is hiding from Alice (how can you hide in a house full of vamps?) and loooove when people are hiding in closets, cuz then you can tell them to come out of the closet. Ah, brings back memories.

Good times, gooooood times.

**A/N please read: If you are taking the time to add me to your favorties and alerts (thnx for that, btw) then I would really appreciate if you could take the time ro review. **

**Not that I don't love my reviewers (srsly, you guys rock!) but I'd love for some more reviewers. If you could just take the time to tell me that you like my stories, seeing as many of you like them enough to have favorited them...**


	15. Mr Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen

_Bella, **Jasper**_

* * *

Jasper, are you emo?

**No.**

* * *

Been having alot of fun making fun of Jasper lately...

**817 hits last time I checked!! Wooh!** :-D

And yet...only 23 reviews... :'-(

you make smiley face sad...


	16. FACEBOOK

**_Author's Note: Please read (IMPORTANT)_****  
this chapter is the wall-to-wall of Bella and Alice on Facebook. Read the bottom to hear (read) the amazing and true backstory to this. Unlike wall-to-walls are read on facebook, this is read in the traditional book style (i.e., top to bottom, not most recent on top) NOTE: ALICE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT THE GAME IS.**

This chapter rated ...shall we say M? For bad language. Alice/Me has a pottymouth. :-P

**_You have to know what The Game is to understand_.   
Rules:  
1. You are playing The Game.  
2. Whenever you think about The Game, you lose.  
3. Loss must be announced.  
Objective: forget it exists.**

* * *

_Bella Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:12pm yesterday):_

**ilostthegame**

* * *

_Alice Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:13pm yesterday):_

**Which game?**

* * *

_Bella Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:13pm yesterday):_

**THE game.**

* * *

_Alice Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:22pm yesterday):_

**Oh, you mean the game where everyone runs around in circles for hours holding paper cups filled to the brim with mango-papaya juice and if anybody spills a drop they lose 5 points and if you fall everyone gets to beat them with hairdryers.**

* * *

_Bella Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:23pm yesterday):_

**...no.**

* * *

_Alice Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:25pm yesterday):_

**Oh.  
then which fucking game?**

* * *

_Bella Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:28pm yesterday):_

**THE GAME.  
THE GAME.**

* * *

_Alice Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:36pm yesterday):_

**WHICH FUCKING GAME, BITCH?  
IF YOU DO NOT TELL ME I WILL ASSUME IT IS SOME GAY/LESBIAN/INCEST SEX GAME THAT YOU ARE PLAYING WITH ROSALIE.  
SO YOU SHOULD TELL ME.  
NOW.**

* * *

_Bella Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:37pm yesterday):_

**youre a creeper.  
it's the one you lose the second you think about it...  
so like, you dont know youre winning till youve lost.  
google it.**

* * *

_Alice Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:40pm yesterday):_

**Wtffffffffffffffffffff?**

* * *

_Bella Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:44pm yesterday):_

**you havta get it.**

* * *

_Alice Cullen__ wrote  
(at 10:54 yesterday):_

**FUCK YOU BITCH**

* * *

_Alice Cullen__ wrote  
(at 12:51am yesterday):_

**OMMMMMMIGOSH I JUST DISCOVERED THE GAME!!  
AND I LOST IT!!  
OMIGOD THAT'S THE BEST GAME EVERRRRRRRRRRRR**

* * *

_Bella Cullen__ wrote  
(at 1:13am yesterday):_

**I KNOW RIGHT  
we lost the game**

* * *

_Alice Cullen__ wrote  
(at 1:37am yesterday):_

**YOUUUUUUU LOOOOOOOSEEEEE**

* * *

_Bella Cullen__ wrote  
(at 2:24am yesterday):_

**...so do you.**

* * *

This is the exact conversation of wall-posts that me and my friend Seth (no pun intended, that's actually his name) had a few nights ago. The wording is exactly the same, including grammar mistakes and bad language (that was me...o.O). So yeah, I'm basically Alice and Bella is my friend Seth. The only changes at all are the times (they're actually the same for the first half, cuz the rest was continued the next day in the real world), and personilizations (i.e. Rosalie was his cousin instead...)

hope you enjoyed!

P.S. I lost the game...


	17. Pet

_Bella, _**Edward** (in some random boutique in  
Seattle that Alice dragged them to, trying  
fuitiley to hid from her behind a clothes rack)

* * *

_I want a pet._

**That might not be such a good idea, Bella.**

_And whyyyyy not?_

**Because one day you might eat it?**

_Oh._

* * *

Another short one, after the excrutiatingly long chapter 16...

maybe ill upload another one tonight, hmm? sound good?

So far I've got 26 Reviews, 1,351 Hits, 9 Favorites, and 7 Alerts. Not bad for six days, huh?


	18. y so srs? '2'

_**Jasper, Emmett, **Bella. (Bella was lying on the couch  
staring into space with Renesmee lying next to her,  
imitating her, untill Jasper and Emmet came around  
to bother her. Those jerks.)_

* * *

_**BELLAAAAAAA!!**_

**BELLAAAAAAA!!**

_Not now, guys. I'm not in the mood._

_**Aw, come on Bella!**_

_I just don't feel like it now._

_**Bella?**_

_Yeah?_

_**WHY SO SERIOUS?? – runs away-**_

**He's a freak.**

_Yeah._

* * *

Another short one. Don't worry, they're not all short. Just a lot of them. But then again, I put up a lot, so there.

Ha, can't believe it took me almost 24 hours or whatever to put up a new story. Omigeezers! But that's cuz I went to Sea World on my class trip today (which sucked by the way, NEVER go to sea world if you can help it), so i didn't get home till about half an hour ago, 10:30. Sorry.

I'm gonna ask a favor of my brilliant reviewers, especially the few that have stuck with me from the beginning, dutifully reviewing every few days (it's only been a week, am i already sentimental? or just -mental?)

I would love to get some ideas...I'm having sort of a writers block. All of my stories so far came to me while i was doing something else, and all of a sudden, _Pow!!_ Stop what you're doing! New story! But I haven't really been able to write anything in a few days, and that worries me. Don't YOU worry though, I've got 25 chapters written total, so you guys are good for the moment.

Me, however...so anyway, taht's what I'm asking. For some ideas...Anything. something funny that happened to you the other day, whatever. What's most likely to happen is that you're story will remind me of some other thing that will make the story happen.

Either way, I'll love you for it. Thnx in advance.

Sam


	19. Killer

_Bella, _**Edward**

* * *

_EdwardEdwardEdward!!_

**Yes, love?**

_Alice got me a kitty!_

**She WHAT?**

_She got me a kitty! Jeez, Edward, I thought you were smart._

**Fine. I'm going to let this go. So what did you name your kitten?**

_Killer._

_**Killer?**_

_You don't like it? -cries-_

**Bella, you know we can't cry. And, no...I like it, I guess. It's just...**

_It's just what?_

**Oh, come on, Bella. You're naming a tiny kitten who can fit in the palm of your hand _Killer??_**

_I don't get it._

**Fine. Forget it. But also, Bella...**

_What?_

**Well, you know dogs don't like cats...**

_Uh huh..._

**Well, I'm thinking that Jacob&Co. aren't going to like being around here as often if we keep a cat around.**

_That's the point._

**Ah.**


	20. Subject: u suk

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

To: E.Cullen  
From: B.Cullen

Emmet:

I thought you should know that I think you're really weird. Nobody likes you and you should just go jump off a cliff like I did in New Moon. Only instead of this leading to a series of events that results in the eventual threatening of your life and that of your baby's, you'll just get stuck under the water and stay there for all of eternity. Plus, it'll stink cuz the cliff

Oh, and Killer peed on your shoes.

Love,

Bella.

* * *

**I have decided. I really need inspiration...this is chapter 20 and I've only got 25 written...So...any ideas? I like to write them ahead of time because then I'm not scrambling to find something to write...**

**Don't worry, though, the next chapters are amazing...chapter 23 especially. Srsly, remember that. Chapter 23. Will. Make. You. Laugh. So. Hard. That. Milk. Comes. Out. Of. Your. Nose. Or. Blood. If. You're. A. Vampire.**

**ahhhhh help I'm turning into Rosaliiiiieee!!**

**oh, yeah, yesterday, for some random reason, my friends were spelling vampire V-A-M-P-F-I-R-E.**

**yeah, they're weird. **


	21. Shoot? But i don't like guns

_Bella, _**Edward, **Alice,** Emmett**

**(The Cullens plus their unfortunate tag-a-long,  
Jacob, the stupid puppy who wouldn't leave  
them alone, are on a plane to Brazil to pay  
a visit to Zarfina and ask why she was in  
Forks earlier, messing with Edward's head.) **

* * *

_Edward? Can I ask you a question?_

**Shoot.**

_What? Edward, you know I don't like guns._

**What?**

What?

_Edward told me to shoot! _

**Bella, love, it's an expression.**

Silly Bella.

_Oh._

_..._

_I still don't get it._

**All right. No how can I explain thi-**

**-appearing out of nowhere- Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Let me do it! Ooh! Ooh! Me, me! Me! Pick ME!!**

Alright, Emmet.

**Shoot – v. (from the Latin**_** shootus)  
****The only correct response to "Can I ask you a question?" besides "You just did."  
**_

_******Ex. "Can I ask you a question?"  
"****Shoot."**_

_Oh._

**Thanks Emmett. **

**Don't thank me! Thank those darn special people at urban dictionary dot com! –runs away flailing arms and screaming at the top of his lungs-**

Emmett, there's no need to write that. You can just do it.

**Whatever. coughloserscough**

_Seriously, Em. Just go away._

**WHY MUST YOU HATE ME, BELLA?**_**WHYYYYY??**_

**Okay. Bored now. Bye.**

And they called ME crazy. –shakes her head at the stupidity of Asylum workers and goes to find something more interesting to do-

_Gosh, Alice. We're not THAT uninteresting._

Whatever. Bye.

**That was rude. So, what was your question?**

_I don't remember._

**Oh well. Want to go do something else?**

_Wait! Wait! I have another question: How do I know if I'm Jewish?_

**Are you Jewish?**

_No._

**There you go, sport.**

_Thank you!_

* * *

7839845798374593857 and a half points if you know the quote...

so yeah. I have a stalker, btw. he was our friend but our whole group of friends is now NOT friends with him for reasons i wont get into...so i havent talked to him in like a month and he wants to ask me to homecoming. Now if that wasn't bad enough, he tried to kiss one of my friends the other day. She was like NO. And now he wants to ask me out? He's such a sanky panky... It's actually really annoying...


	22. Re: u suk

**Udated: When/if I get ten reviews on this chapter or the previous one, I will put up the next chapter, which is entitled 'Bacon.'**

**I promise you, it is literally the best chapter of them alllll...(at least in my opinion. But whenever I reread it I laugh hysterically.)**

**So get your friends and tell them to R&R! Advertise on your story if you like mine, that would be great to. **

**Thnx. I love you all! Especially my faithful readers, the ones who gave me my very first reviews...**

* * *

  
l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

To: B.Cullen  
From: E.Cullen

Why, Bella?! WHYYYYYY?!

-cries-

* * *

_I heart Emmett bashing._

_I put this chapter up early for several reasons, the first being that it's short, the main one being that I just cannot WAIT for you all to read Chapter 23...I'm so ducking excited you just dont even know. I think it's the funniest chapter of all of them, including the one's i havent put up yet._

_Though I am partial to Chapter 15. That's one of my favorites..._

_ANYHOOZLEZ, 7839845798374593857 and a half points to TheNextCullen332, aka _**_'Chloe'_**_ (or as she shall be known in the chapter she gets to be written in...heads up everybody, that'll be Chapter 30, I think.)_

_And whatever that number (above) is divided by two, that's how many points goes to _**_Dubblez-L-5_**_ for being the second to guess correctly from the last chapter. (recap: It's a quote from family guy, between Brian and Jillian)_

**Love you all! hopefully chapter 23 will be up tomorrow! (unless i get really impatient, which means it'll be up tonight...)**


	23. BACON

CREDIT FOR THE IDEA FOR THIS CHAPTER GOES TO MORGAN GRACE CULLEN. (sooo sorry i forgot to add this!!)  
go see her story, Surefire Ways to Irritate Jacob Black. It's so funny!

**I was going to make you all suffer until i got 10 reviews on the last chapters, but I just love you all too much. -accepts bundles of roses and blushes shyly at all the screaming and adoring fan girls that have suddenly appeared as if Spunk Ransom was in the area...-**

**SO, here you go! Hope you like it as much as I do...**

* * *

_Bella, _Jake, _Surprise Mysetry Guest_ (will be made known...) Bella and Jake are 'chatting' on the expansive Cullen meadow/lawn as various other vampfires/werewolves wrestle/do vampfire/werewolf things...not to confuse you with all the slashes or anything...

* * *

_Hey Jake!_

Hey Bells! What's doin?

_Eh, nothing much. Anything new in your life?_

Well, I got a new motorcycle.

_Really?_

Yeah. Remember how I left my old one at your house for like 4 months? Well, I thought about using it again, but when I got on I discovered that it REALLY stinks. So I got a new one.

_Excuse me! Offended here!_

Oh. Sorry. I apologize for calling you stinky.

_That's ok. You're a good boy!_

What?

_Good boy! Whoosh a good boy? You are! Yes you are! Yes you arrrreee!!_

Bella!! Stop petting me!

_Jacob's a good boy! Yesh he is! Yesh he is!!_

Bella, what the hell??

_Okay now, Jacob...sit!_

What?

_Sit!_

Okay...

_Good dog!! You wanna treat?? You wanna treat??_

Bella, I'm not a dog.

_Oh, yesh you are! You're a good boy! Does Mr. Good Doggie want a treat?_

Bella, you're being ridiculou--  
Is...is that bacon?

_Uh huh! Good doggies get yummy treats!_

BACON!

_Good boy, Jacob. You're a pretty boy, aren't you? Pretty doggie! And you're so soft! You're such a good boy! You want another treat, pretty puppy? You want some more bacon?_

_DID SOMEBODY SAY BACON?_

NO, SAM! IT'S MINE! MY BACON! AROOOOOO!

_Boys, boys! Only good boys get treats! Now, Jacob, shake hands!_

Nice to meet you.

_Your turn, Sam! Shake!_

_How do you do?_

_Good boys! Now you get bacon!_

BACONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

_BACONBACONBACONBACONBACONNNNNN!!_

* * *

**Bacon! Yay! (this coming from your resident vegitarian...and not the vampfire kind.) Love you all! Mwah!**


	24. documentary

**Here's my next chapter! written yesterday during my free period even though i was supposed to be doing extra credit work...you guys should really love me. This is what happens when your teacher is out for god knows how long and you have a sub for anywhere between two weeks and two months...**

**Just letting you know that this is really annoying my schedule, becuase i have about 25-26...maybe even 27 chapters written on my desktop computer and now I'm gonna have to relabel them in order to insert this into the middle. Which isn't that hard but it can get uber annoying...**

**Anyway, this one is long, and hopefully not confusing, so keep an open mind!**

* * *

__

The following documentary was recorded September 7th, 2008, the night of the VMA's at around 9 o'clock:

* * *

_'Today we are going to observe some non-human beings in their natural habitat.__'About half the Cullens are in the living room watching Seth and Jacob play a game of cards while their imprintees, Tinkerbell the Dog and Prius the Hybrid, played the Get-to-Know-You game.'_

_'The view zooms and focuses in on the two youngest people in the room.' "_So how old are you?" '_Renesmee's clear, bell-like voice sounds out. Tinkerbell responds with a matter-of-fact "_ARF!", _and Renesmee nods knowingly.'_

_"_HA!!" '_booms an unknown voice.' "_BEAT YOU AGAIN, SUCKA!" _It is clear now that the voice is most definately non-vampiric as it lack the certain appealing quality that vampires' voices are programed with in order to intice their natural prey. __'__The camera whips around too fast for the camera to comprehend; it is as if someone had pressed the pause button and then panned left about 90 degrees, but the scene continues on as if no time had passed, which it hasn't._

_'The focus of the scene is now on the two largest people in the room, the ones who stood out against the light surroundings due to their dark, almost red-brown colored skin. The two young men are standing up, facing each other, one with a look of triumph on his face and the other a growling almost too quietly for the camera's microphones to pick up. __'_

_'A golden-blonde vampire flits down the staircase, under which the card game happened to be set up.' "_Calm down, please, Jacob. I'm sure that everyone, Esme especially, would prefer it if you didn't phase in here." '_The three other vampries in the room nod sagely, all with concerned looks upon their faces._

_'The vampires and werewlves are alerted to a small sound and finally I am noticed. Six heads belonging to beings with ultra-sensitive hearing turn towards me with incredulous looks on their faces.__"_Alice? What are you doing?"_ 'asks the built vampire with curly black hair. The bronze-haired one laughs as he, presumably, hears the answer inside my mind. _

"Well, Emmett, if you must know, I am making a documentary!" _'I announce proudly. Everyone's facial expressions change, excpet for those of Renesmee and Tinkerbell, who are too busy playing tug-of-war to notice what is currently going on. Carlisle's expression is one of bewilderment, Edward face is amused. Bella is shaking her head as if to say, "Alice will be Alice..." And...Oh! A vision! She will be saying that in about a couple of mintues...Edward is fighting a smile, now.'_

_'Emmett is guffawing. He tends to do that often. Guffaw is an interesting word, isn't it? I always thought that...Well, if you want to hear my opinions on the Englsih language, watch my other documentary, "Words and the Bone-heads Who Misuse Them"'_

"Seriously, Alice, you're making a documentary?" '_the creepily tall and majorly stinky werewolf demands of me. _"Yep! I want to document our lives for us to watch later. I especially want to get Renesmee before she is fully grown...which reminds me." _I frown at my audience. _"You're distracting me from my subject. Now someone go make Renesmee do something interesting."

"Well she's talking to Tinkerbell. Go film that!" _'ugh, the smaller werewolf, whose name is Seth by the way, is not quite as disgusting as Jacob, but he's no rose, either. _"No, Seth. She needs to do something INTERESTING. Tinkerbell is NOT interesting." _The stupid cry-baby grows upset at that, and runs over to scoop up his charge, murmmering weirdly into his ear.'__'Bella smiles wickedly.' "_Alice will be Alice..."_ she states. Oh my gosh! Deja vu! That's so weird, it's like I knew she was going to say tha...oh. Yeah. Right. Well at least I've distracted the two gigundoes from __their stupid fight-thing. Now they wont interfere with my documentary. '_

_'Seth looks up at this. _"Thank you for reminding me, Alice. Now, Jacob, you wanna fight? Let's take it outside." _Edward and Emmett follow them out, clearly eagerly anticipating the fight. Bella follows, sighing and grumbling at the annoying-ness of vampires,' _"I agree, by the way, Bella."_ 'and Carlisle flits back upstairs. To do some boring, stupid doctor stuff, presumably.'_

_'I am staying in here, glad that I am finally alone with my quarry. Renesmee is watching the TV, flipping through channels and cluthing the remote control to her chest like it is a floatation device and she has just jumped off a cliff into frigid waters raging from a storm, a la Bella in New Moon. A look of excitement and then total ecstasy crosses her face.'__"_EVERYONE!" _she shouts. No, not shouted, screamed. "_THE VMA'S ARE ON!!"

_'Suddenly the camera is ripped out of my hands by the roaring tide of mythical creatures that is fighting for the best seat on the couch! I am being flipped through the air, hitting the banister of the staircase and invariably breaking it, finally coming to rest plastered into an Alice-shaped hole in the wall! A roar of noise is no doubt almost blocking out every word I say. _

_'What you are seeing now is the kitchen, that is, if the camera is still working. Which I doubt, seeing as the camera got tossed so hard that it punched through the wall. I dont not know how the camera got there. And what is happening now is that eight vampries, five werewolves, one Prius, and one yappy dog are shoved onto a couch that was meant to hold about four people, tops.'_

"SHUT UP ALICE! We all want to watch, and we can't hear with you yammering! If you want to say something, then use the notes."

_'Bella is certainly angry with me. She absolutely ADORES the VMA's.  
I am going to turn off the camera now before she gets even more mad..."_

"I SAID, SHUT UP!!"

* * *

**if you didn't understand it then review your confusion and I'll PM you...**


	25. the VMA's

_Bella, _Alice, **Edward, Jasper, _Emmett_(This chapter is the follow-up to the previous one, with the vamps and the wolves and the tiny dog and the Prius sitting on the couch watching the VMA's)**

Bella.

_What, Alice? How could you possibly have something to tell me right now? THE VMA'S ARE ON!!1!11!!1!1!!1!11!!1!11!!1!_

I know. I'm watching them.

_Ugh. Just tell me what's up so we can go back to watching the V-_

**Bella! Bella! Bella! WE'RE WATCHING THE VMA'S!!**

_I KNOW!!_

**BELLA! BELLA! BELLA! LOOK! IT'S CHLOE!!**

_OMFG YOU'RE RIGHT! IT'S CHLOE!_

CHLOOOOOEEEE!

**CHLOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!**

_**Huh? Who's Chloe?**_

**WHAT? Oh, haha, Emmett. For a second there I really thought you didn't know who Chloe was.**

_Haha. Good joke, Em._

_**No, seriously. I'm not kidding. Who is she?**_

WHAT? YOU DON'T KNOW WHO CHLOE IS?

**_I think we've established that._**

_Sorry, it's just that she's only the most famous celebrity of all time.__  
_  
_**What does she do?**__**  
**_  
**Well, um...she, uh...Well, you see, she's famous because...um...****  
**  
Jasper! You know perfectly well why she's famous! It's becuase...oh, um...uh...shit.

_Well, I guess she's just one of those people who's famous just kinda cuz...she's famous...I guess?__  
_  
**Careful, Edward. Wipe that venom off your chin before it wipes off on one of the werewol...you know what? Never mind.****  
**  
_Edward? Are you okay? What are you staring at, and WHY are you drooling?__  
_  
**Chloe...****  
**  
Yeah? What about her?

**CHLOE...****  
**  
_What? Edward? Snap out of it.__  
_  
**It's just...it's just...she's so beautiful!****  
**  
_Edward! Stop lusting after her! I'm sitting right here!__  
_  
_**Haha, Bella's jelous of a celebrity on the television...**__**  
**_  
_Shut up, Emmett. Edward, seriously, stop it.__  
_  
**Chloe...must...meet...her...NO!!****  
**  
What?

**GET OFF OF HER, YOU ASSHOLE! SHE'S MINE!!****  
**  
**Huh? I'm confused...****  
**  
Oh, haha, it's becuase Taylor Lautner just hugged her...

**I AM GOING TO KILL HIM! I WILL SUCK ALL THE BLOOD OUT OF HIS MISERABLE BODY...****  
**  
_EDWARD.__  
_  
**-growls- What?****  
**  
_I am going to say this once, and only once. This is your only chance to comply. Edward, are you paying attention?__  
_  
**Uggggghhhh, WHAT, WOMAN? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT THAT IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO INTERRUPT MY PERSONAL TIME WITH CHLOE??****  
**  
_If you do not get over this obscene obsession, then you get no sex for a year.__  
_  
**Bella, Bella, Bella. Nothing could ever distract me from my beautiful, amazing, oh-so famous lover, Chlo--****  
****Wait. What?****  
**  
_No sex for a year.__  
_  
**No...no sex?****  
**  
_Correct.__  
_  
**For a year?****  
**  
_Yes.__  
_  
**A WHOLE year?****  
**  
_You can read, right?__  
_  
**BELLA, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IM SO SORRY I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE OTHER THAN YOU. CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO EVER FORGIVE ME?****  
**  
_We'll see._

* * *

This chapter dedicated to TheNextCullen322, who is Chloe.

She was the first to correctly guess the Family Guy quote in chapter 21, so she gets a chapter...

Incentive to review: you get a chapter if you guess something correctly, or a mention if you give me an idea i like...


	26. Re: Re: u suk

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

To: E.Cullen  
From: B.Cullen

Emmett:

How many times do I have to tell you?  
VAMPFIRES CAN'T CRY.

Stop being such a baby.

Love you always and forever (literally),  
Bella


	27. RaeRae's a bitch

**Three chapters in one day...I think I deserve a round of applause.**

**Note: Reviews make the writer happy...**

_Bella, _**Edward **(At Charlie's house, waiting for Sue to arrive so that Charlie's birthday party can begin. The doorbell rings, whcih provokes the following conversation:)

* * *

_Edward?_

**Yes Bella, the most fantastically beautiful, eternally gorgeous, forever amaz-**

_Yeah, yeah whatever. I have another question._

**Grrr. Owl. You interrupted me.**

_Get over it._

**Fine. What was your question?**

_Do we have a doorbell?_

**HA! Yes, Bella, we do.**

_Oh._

**Is there a reason behind this question?**

_Well, to be honest, I don't think I've ever heard it._

**Well, that's because everyone here is either a vampire, a werewolf, or otherwise supernatural and can hear someone at the door before they can get within ten feet of it.**

_Well, I like doorbells._

**Ok...**

_I think we should establish a new rule: Everyone must ring the doorbell when they enter the house._

**Bella, that's silly.**

_ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?_

**No...??**

_Oh._

_Also, what does our doorbell sound like?_

**It's fairly traditional. You know, Ding dong, ding dong...ding dong ding dong.**

_Writing the words ding dong over and over don't really tell me what the doorbell sounds like._

**Shall I sing it to you?**

_Oh, ok. Thanks._

_I think we should change it._

**Change it? Why? To what?**

_I think our doorbell should play the song Barbie Girl by Aqua half the time._

**And what should it play the other half of the time?**

_The other half of the time it should be Carlisle's voice screaming, "WELCOME TO CAMP CULLEN. YOUR CRUISE DIRECTOR RAE-RAE WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY. THANK YOU FOR VISITING WALMART. COME AGAIN SOON!"_

**What?**

_Rae-Rae is a bitch._

* * *

haha, two explanations. There's this girl at my school who thinks its funny to associat things her friends say with calling her fat. (i.e. what's for lunch today? ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT??)

also, when i went on a cruise last winter break, every morning at like 7 the announcement jingle would blare out from the speakers conviently located every-FREAKING-where on the ship and a voice would go..."Gooooood morning, cruisers! This is your Cruise director Rae-Rae speaking..."

And being a teenager, I would be attempting to sleep, so this would ruin my mood for the rest of the day...

ergo: rae-rae bitch. remember that. might come up again...


	28. Daddy

_Bella, _Carlisle (in Carlisle's study looking at books, trying to find herself something intelligent to read. -impossible, Carl's books are all of the picture book varitey.- She settle on 'Everybody Poops' and is about to leave when...)

* * *

_Carlisle?_

Yes?

_Can I call you 'Daddy'?_

What?

_Don't play dumb. We're vampires, remember? We're amazingly brilliant and generally too show-off-ish for our own good. That's why the werewolves hate us._

Bella, you already have a father. Well, actually, you have two fathers. And three, if you count Billy.

_Why would want I count Billy?_

Who wouldn't want to count Billy? He's absolutely gorgeous!!

_Good point._

So you see, Bella, there is no need for me to be a father figure to you.

_But..but...are you saying you don't WANT me? -sobs-_

No, Bella! I never said that! I didn't even imply that! Or infer that. Or suggest that. Or impose that. Or connotate that. Or annotate that. Or procrastinate that. Or procreate that. Or masterbate tha-

_Too far._

Sorry.


	29. Prius

_Bella, Rose, **Renesmee **(Jacob is out hunting, so instead of hanging with him -as she usually does- Renesmee has been forced to Babysit her mother and her aunt until Edward and Carlisle return from their journey to Atlantis)_

* * *

_Awww, Rose, look at da widdle baby!!_

_Who's a cute widdle baby? You are! Oh yes you are!_

_Look, Rose, she's trying to grab the pen! How cute! Does da widdle pretty baby wanna play with the pen? I think she does! _

_**Momma, seriously. I have an intelligence level higher than those of most adults. It's completely unnecessary to talk of me that way.**_

_Aww, the little cutie pie is trying to write, like us! Oh, you're a big girl! Yes you are! Does the big girl want some dead deer? Does she? Does she?_

_She's a smart little girl. Don't make faces, Prius, or your face will stick that way!_

_**Okay, hold up. Prius??**_

_Look, Bella! Her glare is exACTly like her father's!_

_Oh, she's a pretty girl, my Prius is. You're a good little hybrid, now, aren't you?_

_**Prius? You mean because I'm a hybrid vampire? HA! Now that's rich. Wait until I tell Jacob. **_

_Ewww, Jacob. He smells._

_Agreed._

_**I resent that!**_

* * *

Much fun, picking on Jacob is. (haha, Yoda much?) The whole Prius thing, if you happen to read another story that mentions it, is origionally my friends idea, but since it's the internet i can claim it as my own!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!

--but no, seriously, if you wanna use the idea just let me know ur going to and credit me. thnx!


	30. Scandal at the Cullen House

**A brief mention of some reviewers who have been with me since the beginning. I truly appreciate you guys. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside when I check my email and see the same people reviewing, yet again. It lets me know that you guys still like the sory! Thanks sooo much especially to Dubblez-L-5, who truly has been with me since the beginning.**

* * *

l Instant Message with s.clearwater from b.cullen l

b.cullen: OMIGOSH IT'S SETHYYYYPOO!

s.clearwater: Hiya, Bella. What's doin?

b.cullen: well, actually, there's been a lot of drama going on at the Cullen house recently.

s.clearwater: Ooh, really? What happened?

b.cullen: well, did you hear about my kitten, Killer?

s.clearwater: Oh, yeah, Jake told me about him.

b.cullen: Yeah, well see, that's the problem.

s.clearwater: Uh oh. Renesmee didn't eat him, did she?

b.cullen: No...

s.clearwater: Well what happened? Tinkerbell and I really want to know. You're keeping us on the edge of our seats! (she says hi by the way)

b.cullen: Hi, Tinkerbell. So the problem is, turns out Killer isn't a boy.

s.clearwater: Hahahah! Tink thinks that hilarious! So, how did you find that out?

b.cullen: Um, she's pregnant?

s.clearwater: hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

b.cullen: I know. Emmett wouldn't stop laughing for about an hour.

s.clearwater: Listen I gotta go walk Tinkypoo. I'll catch ya later, ok? Bye, Bells!

ls.clearwater signed off at 9:54:98 AM l

b.cullen: Woah, there's that creepy clock again.

b.cullen: Wait a sec, (no pun intended) there aren't 98 seconds in a minute...

b.cullen: Whatever.

b.cullen: OMFE. DID YOU CALL HER TINKYPOO? THAT WAS MY PETNAME (no pun intended, again) FOR YOU! GOD SETH! YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS OVER BETWEEN YOU AND ME! OVVVVER!!

b.cullen: Well, are you gonna answer?

b.cullen: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you'd signed off.

b.cullen: So then why am I talking to myself?


	31. Fluff

_Bella, _**Edward**

* * *

_Edward?_

**Yes Bella?**

_I love you._

**I love you too.**

* * *


	32. RENT

(Chez Swan. Les deux belles persons regardent le tele, mais ils regardent aussi quand Charlie et Sue mange leur dinner.)  
_Swan Residence. The two beautiful people are watching tv, but they're also watching Charlie and Sue eat their dinner._

Bella,**_ J__asper _-not underlined, its just all screwy. anyway, bold and italics is jasper- **

**warning, potty mouth X-D**

* * *

**_This is an outrage!_**

_Ugh, Jazz, can we talk later? I'm busy counting the hairs on my arm._

_**It makes no sense! Why would people think that? I hate gossip! It's ridiculous!**_

_-sigh- What's ridiculous, Jazz? Use your words, now. And don't break that pen. Edward gave it to me._

_**Don't break the pen? DON'T BREAK THE PEN? That's all you can think about? When this horrible tragedy is going on?**_

_WHAT tragedy, Jasper? What happened?_

_**What do you mean what happened? How do you not know??**_

_You better fucking tell me now, Jasper, or so help me...or so help me I will burn all of your FUCKING PhDs, JASPER!_

_**Okay, okay! No need to threaten those...**_

_Grrrrrrrrrrr..._

_**Ok, fine. I'll tell you. It's just, ugh! I can't stand it!**_

_CANT STAND WHAT??_

_**Everyone now knows how horribly slash amazingly fluffy my hair is! It's completely unacceptable!**_

_..._

_..._

_Are you trying to tell me that you DIDN'T want people to know about your hair, Jasper? _

_**Well, I..I...**_

_Because I SAW you post those pictures of yourself on Facebook, Mister. If you hadn't wanted people to see your fluffy gorgeousness, then you wouldn't have put those pictures up._

_**Well...I...I can explain!**_

_Go ahead._

_**It's just that no one even commented on them!**_

_Are you kidding me, Jazz? You have like a billion girls commenting on every photo every HOUR. Jeez._

_**No, I meant no one in the family commented on them...**_

_Oh. Oh! Jasper, did we hurt your feelings?_

_**Well...**_

_I'm so sorry!!_

_**Bella, are you trying to stifle laughter?**_

_No..._

_**You are! Why? Do I have something in my hair? Besides it's general epic-ness, of course.**_

_No, It's not that...your hair is perfect, as usual._

_**Then why are you laughing?**_

_It's just that the vampire who can sense and influence other people and vampires' feelings had his feelings hurt..._

_**Oh, I see. There is a bit of irony in that, isn't there? I understand now.**_

_Okay, okay. It's not that. I can't hold it in any longer..._

_**Huh?**_

_JASPER, YOUR HAIR IS RIDICULOUS!_

_**...you mean, ridiculously AWESOME.**_

_Sure, sure._

_**Woah, quoting Jacob much?**_

_You bet your ass I am!_

_**You bet your ass to...**_

_LA VIE..._

_**BOHEME!**_

_To days of inspiration playing hooky, making something out of nothing, the need to express, to communicate. To going against the grain, going insane, to going mad._

_**To love and tension, no pension. To more than one dimension. To starving for attention hating convention, hating contention. **_

_Not to mention, of course, hating dear old mom and dad...To riding your bike midday past the 3D suits, _

_**TO FRUITS!!**_

_...and that's where I draw the line._

* * *

**_I'm still all depressed that i have no reviews for chapter 30...if you love me you'll go review for that chapter, even if you don't really say anything important..._**

So my friends and I are obsessed with Rent da musical (may she rest in peace) and la vie boheme is one of de bestest songs everrrrrr...

New words! new words alert! Me and my friends talkin words...obviously the way you think, but that's not what I mean. What i mean is that we attempt to utilize words so that they become part of our vocab w/o thinking (we don't do this for that reason, that's just the only easy way to explain our random crazziness)

So if you encounter these words in my story, thats why. So far we have: **Boss** (Dude, Mr. G is our chaperone? That's so boss!), **Rad (t**hat sweater is rad. R-A-D rad.), **Uber** (Our adventure at Sea World for our class trip was uber amazing), **Surreal** (Penguins? In FLORIDA? That is surREAL.), **Epic** (Our Sea World experience was an epic adventure that will live on in the hearts of man)y, **A****pocalyptic** (They BETTER not close that Ice cream shop. That would be seriously apocalyptic.). Also, the phrase **Whatcha goin? **which came into being today when I was trying to say watcha doin and where'ya goin at the same time.

We are pretty cool.

My first name is Samantha and my middle name is Nicole, so my friend has decided to nickname me Sam Nick. Guess I'm a man now...


	33. Subject: srsly pissed

**to fully understand this chapter, you may need to go reread: Chapter 20 - Subject: u suk; Chapter 22 - Re: u suk; and Chapter 26 - Re: re: u suk.**

* * *

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: B.Cullen  
From: R.Cullen_

Bella:

Stop being so mean to my husband. I will have you know that I am holding you accountable for the fact that he has spent the last five hours storming around our room, breaking things. If he breaks our mirror, I WILL break you neck.

Oh, great. Now he is hiding under the bed muttering about Bella being a meanie-poo. You are SO going to pay for this, Bella.

It's funny, though. I would never have thought torture by email was your kind of thing. Guess I was wrong.

Gorgeously Yours,  
Rose

* * *

_**As of 4:57 PM on September 17, 2008, I have received 8,721 hits, 1 C2, 27 favorites, and 28 alerts. **_

**_And most importantly, 90 reviews and not one of them bad. Though I could wish for more, frankly, it's enough for now. Especially considering how short of a time my story's been up. _**

_**FYI: I did the math (jkjkjk...calculator) and 90 reviews rounds up to about 3 reviews per chapter. YAY! I'd hoped for more, but as I said above, this'll do. It's certainly nice to have so many readers.**_

As always, if you have any suggestions...


	34. Re: srsly pissed

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: R.Cullen  
From: B.Cullen_

R,

That which we call a Rose  
By any other name

Would be as vain.

__

B.

* * *

**And so continues the email fight...oooh, email fight, sounds like breakdance fight...i smell a new chapter coming on!**

**Alrighty, so...thnx for all the reviewsies and alertes and favsies. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when i get all those emails from Fanfic dot net. In fact, I usually check my email during english...**

**Oh! Fun idea, so don't let this confuse you. On my iphone, whenever i try to write the word "fuck" it tries to correct me with "duck." I mean, seriously. That is an epic fail if i ever saw one. So my text messages intending to yell at someone are now coming out like this: You're such a ducking asshole! Why don't you just go ducking duck a duck?**

**So now the word duck is part of my swear-word vocabulary. :-D**


	35. Re: Re: srsly pissed

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: B.Cullen  
From: E.Cullen_

Bella:

I have rewired Edward's massive stereos, your Ferrari, his Volvo, and his Vanquish to only play the song "The Best of Both Worlds" by Hannah Montana every time you turn on the stereos, no matter what button you push, and every time you turn on the cars...no matter what buttons you push.

Enjoy.

R.C.

* * *

**101 reviews!! just for that you people deserve two chapters in one day. i truly heart you guys!**

**only bad thing is i only have too more written (eeeek!) so i need to find time to write a bit...**

**new word: hebetudinous. it means stupid, only stupid is such a hebetudinous word, dontcha think? ;0)**


	36. Re: Re: Re: srsly pissed

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: R.Cullen  
From: B.Cullen_

NOOOOOOOO!! NONONONONONONO!!11!1!!1 ANYTHING BUT THAT, ROSE!

SHOW SOME SYMPATHY, PLEASE!

* * *

**hebetudinous.**

**best word ever.**

**means stupid. go use it. now.**


	37. Re: Re: Re: Re: srsly pissed

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: B.Cullen  
From: R.Cullen_

Bella,

Too late. You do the crime, you pay the time.

Love you EVER so much,  
Rose.

* * *

**hebetuuuuuudinous.**

**jocular hilarious**

**in toto totally**

**my friends in toto jocular, even thought they can sometimes be really hebetudinous**


	38. My Son

**Edward, **Jacob

* * *

**Hello, Jacob, my brother...My son.**

Excuse me?

**Ah, Jacob, you are like a son to me now. After all that we've been through...**

Ooookaaaay...that's a little creepy...

**Hm, Jacob, what would you say to spending some father-son quality time together?**

I'd say...no?

**Jacob, we're going to a baseball game tomorrow night. I already bought the tickets.**

I'd really rather not go with you. Maybe you could take someone else? Jasper? Emmett?

**Young man, we are going to spend some quality time together whether you like it or not.**

Seriously, Edward, stop.

**Jacob! I am shocked that you would use that tone of voice with me!**

Hate to break it to you, blooooodsucka, but we're not speaking. We're writing on paper.

**Did you just think what I think you thought?**

What?

**Stop thinking that! Oh, you are in big trouble, mister. **

Whatever dude. I'm outie.

**You're not going anywhere, son! You march straight up to your room this very instant and don't you come down until we tell you to! Your mother and I need to have a talk about you!**

Edward, my mother's dead. Thanks for bringing up bad memories.

**What are you talking about, Jacob? How dare you say such things about your mother! Oh, you are grounded for a week! Bella will have a cow when she hears you've been saying such horrible things to her!**

Seriously, I've gotta go run patrol. Let me go.

**Not until you finish your homework!**

What? What homework?

**That's it! No dessert for you tonight!**

Wooooooow. Someone needs to brush up on the punishment skills.

**Fine then, your punishment is that you have to sleep in a vampire bed tonight.**

WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOO! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PAINFUL THAT IS FOR ME??

**Don't you dare address me in that tone of writing, Jacob Insert-Middle-Name-Here Black! How dare you! I am very insulted.**

You know what? I wish you guys were dead!

**Hate to break it to you son, but we ARE dead.**

...damn.

* * *

so my friends and i thought the end of the book, wehre edward calls jacob his son...yeah we thought that part was pretty hilaroius. ...yep.


	39. AN: sry, but plz read, impt

**A/N: Sorry, i hate these chapters, but this is important.**

**I burned my hands making cookiez tonight (srsly, MUST USE PROPER HAND COVERINGS TO TAKE TRAYS OUT OF OVEN), and consequently it is EXTREMEMLy difficult to type right now.**

* * *

**Srsly, this is really killing me.**

**So if i don't update tomorrow, that's why. (owwwwww.)**

* * *

**Also, to the countless amount of people who always tell me in their reviews to update, please stop. Because I've ha this story up for like 2-3 weeks now (cant count) and so far i've update at least once a day.**

**Every single day.**

**So please stop telling me to add more, or to update. I update every single freaking day.**

**Andi if i don't tomorrow, its cuz im srsly injured. I'd say that's a legitimate excuse.**

* * *

**Thanks. That's all.**

**SAM TOPPZ**

**(and yes, i see the irony...Sam...yeah)**


	40. Don't interrupt rude!

**You are in luck, people! So turns out my ingury really isn't as bad as I made it out to be. I can tend to be sorta melodramatic sometimes...so yeah. The reason I was so freaked out last night is cuz when you're first burned (burnt?) It hurts like hell if you don't keep ice on it 24/7, so when I would put my ice down to type, I would practically start crying, it was that bad. **

**So now I just have a blister on my thumb and a yucky-looking red mark on my wrist. Which kinda makes it annoying to type b/c I type the real/correct way (i.e. asdf, homerow, etc.) so I can't use my thumb for the spacebar. It's getting realllly annoying.**

**I know how glad you all are that I'm not seriously hurt! And you should also be really glad that I had another chapter saved on my laptop, so I can upload it even though I'm away from my home computer.**

**Kisses!**

* * *

_Bella, _Jacob (he shmelllllss. So Jacob is in the woods, hiding from Esme who is attempting to give him a bath.)

* * *

_Jakey!!_

Hey Bells. What's doin?

_Nothing. House's been boring these last couple of days._

Well what are you doing laying around outside?

_Oh, nothing, really. Just tanning._

What?

_Can you read?_

-ignores Bella's rudeness- What I meant was, I don't understaaaaand.

'_ignores Bella's rudeness'? Are you freaking kidding me? As if you aren't the most freaking rude person on earth, Jacob Black!_

Hmm. Actually, you're right. That wasn't fair of me. I AM pretty rude, come to think of it.

_Yes, you most certainly are! Now leave me alone so I can tan._

And WHY exactly are you pretending to tan again?

_I'm not preteeeeending, I'm actually tanning!_

No, you're not.

_Yes, I am!_

Bella, you have been sitting in the same exact spot for 23 hours straight, and all you've managed to do is glitter.

_Ah, but what a sight it is! I'm just so gorgeous when I glitter!_

Who are you, Rosalie?

"_That which we call a rose..."_

Oh, yeah, I know that one. Shakespeare. We studied him in school.  
"That which we call a rose  
By any other name-

_WOULD BE AS VAIN!_

Haha, that's funny. But don't grab the pen out of my hand with your super-vampy speed. It's rude.

_Don't tell me what to do. THAT'S rude._

I'm sorry.

_Don't apologize. Be confident._

Alright, then. I'm not sorry.

_Don't take back your words! It makes you seem untrustworthy._

Well, what do you want me to say?

_Don't ask questions! That'll make you appear stupid._

I'm so confused.

_Don't admit to your faults. Then people will only see your faults, and not any of your merits._

Faults? Who said I had any faults?

_Don't talk back! It's rude!_

What the HELL, Bella!

_Don't curse! That's extremely rude! You don't want to be thought of as a potty mouth, do you?_

No.

_Use complete sentences. And correct grammar is imperative._

What about imperative sentences? Are _they_ imperative?

_Don't be such a smart-ass! People don't want to hang out with someone who can't take anything seriously! Take Emmett, for instance._

Haha, Emmett would kill you if I told him you said that. Well, I shouldn't say kill. More like tear you limb from limb and then use your disembodied cadaver as timber for a ceremonial fire to be used in the center of his seriousness ritual, in which he dances around a fire of burning vampire corpses for an entire month. He told me all about it the other day.

He makes his fire at noon on the first day, and begins his ritual when Twilight first begins to conduct its opening overture over the afternoon sky, a dark prelude of what is to come next in the show. He then proceeds to improvise an interpretive dance. He shows struggle in the beginning, and fear as well as love.  
Then the dancing moves on to deep depression, and most of the time during this ritual his dance moves become sluggish, zombie-like, continuing deep into the night that will be the darkest of them all, for that night there is a New Moon.

Following this (if he has timed it right) an eclipse of the sun will commence, and the dance will turn into a high powered techno-rave-type-thing, embodying fear, love, loss, and pain. His howl at the moon will be heard across the entire country that night.

And then it is time for his last, final stage of dance. Emmett the Magnificent will overawe us with his dancing beauty as his movements make all watching feel love, lust, confusion, pain, anger, fear, loss, more pain, much love and lust, and then a final deep stab of fear as he faces the east to watch the sun rise and the Dawn Break. His dance is then done, and the observers will bow down in the glory of his awesome-ness.

_Don't change the subject. It's rude._

That's all you have to say? After that amazingly vivid description?

_Don't be arrogant. It's annoying. And I know. I've seen Emmett's ritual. It's-_

Oh Em Freaking Gee! You've actually seen it? Is it as truly powerful as he described to me?

_Don't interrupt…rude!_

* * *

**25.987 points if you get the quote! And you get a prize if you review! Wanna know what the prize is? I don't kick your ass. Does that sound good to you?**


	41. Loco

**Edward, **Alice -- (in da Cullen's garage, Alice is examining her Porsche attempting to locate every single ding and mark that might have been made on the exterior)

* * *

**Alice! What happened? What did you see?**

I saw….wait a sec. Since when do you have to ask?

**Just tell me! What is it? Are we in danger?**

Now wait just a second. Usually you can just pull any answer right out of my mind. What's going on?

**I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.**

Oh come on. I know something's up.

**There is nothing up except the sky.**

Woooooowwww, I've NEVER heard THAT one before…..

**A little too heavy on the sarcasm there, Alice.**

Sorry. I kinda need to work on that.

**Yes, you do. Perhaps you can take lessons from Rosalie? She's an expert on sarcasm. She's actually pretty diabolical.**

Oh, yeah, I heard about her little revenge on Bella.

**Stop giggling. It was **_**not**_** funny.**

Are you kidding? It was funnier than that time Jacob fell into a pile of horse droppings!

**It most certainly was not. Jacob's little incident was infinitely more funny than that.**

Hey! You're distracting me, aren't you?

**It was working, wasn't it?**

Well, yes, but-

**Not to be overly arrogant, but I do think that I am quite the master of distractions, wouldn't you agree?**

Hmm, I'd have to say that I would- Hey! You're doing it again!

**Damn.**

Edward! Why can't you read my mind?

**Umm…**

Oh, don't tell me. It's Bella, isn't it? –gasp- I'm right, aren't I! She shielded you from everyone in the house!

**She's driving me crazy! You have NO IDEA how vulnerable I feel!**

Probably about as vulnerable as I feel whenever the werewolves get involved in our plans and I can't see.

**Oh. You're right. You of all people know what I'm going through. Which brings me to my next question…**

Why do I feel like I'm not going to like this?

**Would you yell at Bella for me? Er, rather, would you ask her kindly to stop annoying me in this way?**

You know what? No. And that's payback for lending out my Porsche last winter.

**Last winter? As in when you were gone? As in when we thought you had abandoned us to die at the hands of our worst enemies? As in the winter when every car needed to be lent out to hungry vampires so that they wouldn't eat our friends and family in or near the general Forks area? Is **_**that**_** the winter you are referring to?**

Yes.

**You're impossible.**

Never try to make ME feel guilty, Edward. Never works. Even Jasper can't do that.

**Jasper can't? Why not?**

Well, mainly because I threaten him, to be honest.

**Haha, what do you threaten him with?**

No sex.

**I should have known.**

Yes, you should have.

**Hey, now **_**you're **_**distracting **_**me**_**!**

Not very fun, now, is it?

**Fine. I apologize. **_**Now **_**will you go talk to Bella?**

Alright, alright, since you apologized.  
BELLA!

'**Screaming' her name on paper won't help, Alice.**

Oh. Sorry. –screams Bella's name very loudly-

**That won't work either. You have to actually say it out loud.**

Well where's the fun in that?

**Fun? This is not supposed to be fun, Alice. This is a serious matter!**

Well duck you, Edward! I'm not going to help you if I'm not allowed to have fun while doing it!

**Alice! Alice, come back!  
Wait, why am **_**I**_** writing her name? I just told Alice…  
-screams Alice's name loudly-  
Damnit! Get a grip Edward, you stupid hypocrite.  
What was I doing again? I don't remember…  
Oh great, and now I'm talking to myself. I think I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!  
I should stop writing. Stupid no talking rule. Whose idea was this again?  
Yeah, that's right, it was Bella's.**

**-gassssp!- Bella! That's what I was doing!  
Alice! Bella! I WANT MY POWER BACK!!**

**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! –runs away crying and flailing arms-**

**Damnit, vampires can't cry! Now if anyone read's this I'll just look stupid.  
So, idiot, just burn the ducking paper.  
Good idea. And don't call me stupid.  
Idiot. IDIOT. IDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOT-  
Shut up! I'm telling Dad!  
Carlisle? What's he going to do? Ground us?  
Shut up, FATASS!  
MAKE ME!  
Well, maybe I will!  
How you gonna do that? I'm you!  
Touché, self. Touché. **

* * *

Haha, I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. I'm supposed to be doing homework, but where's the fun in that?

This isn't supposed to be fun! This is serious!

Well if I'm not going to have fun doing it I'm not going to.

_If only the world really worked that way..._


	42. Keep it PG

**Soooooooooooo sorry I didn't update yesterday. I know this is a little bit hypocritical of me, seeing as I always yell at you for telling me to update. Usually I WILL update every day, but I had like 5 hours of homework last night. So todya you get an extra long chappy! YAY!**

**Renesmee, **Carlisle, _Bella_ (In the Cullen living room, Renesmee is getting ready to go to bed.)

* * *

**Grampy Carlisle?**

Hi, Renesmee! To what do I owe this fine pleasure?

**Will you tell me a bedtime story?**

Where's your mother? Doesn't she usually handle this sort of thing?

**She said she's going out hunting with Daddy tonight, and that I shouldn't bother her if I knew what was good for me.**

Hunting? I was under the impression they just went hunting this afternoon, so why would they be going out again? I don't under-  
Oh. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuntingggggg. Riiiiiiight.

**What?**

Never mind, Renesmee. You're a child, therefore you have a very short attention span. Hence, you will forget about this in about…3…2…1…Now.

**Grampa! Pleaaase will you tell me a story?**

Of course, my dear hybrid. What story would you like me to tell you?

**Something new.**

Something new………?

**I mean, something new please.**

That's better. Okay then, something new. Something new…Have I ever told you the story of the infant vampires?

**Well, of course I know about them. That was the whole reason the poopy-faced Volturi dudes wanted to kill us.**

Try to use correct terms, Renesmee. They wanted to kill you; for us their plans were more like: "dismember their bodies and then burn the desecrated remains".

**Oh. Okay, I guess.**

I told you that story…but did I tell you about the Denali Coven's brush with the forbidden baby vampires?

**Ooooooo , no. Pray tell.**

Well, Irina, Kate and Tanya's mother-

**Tanya? That strumpet?**

Renesmee! Watch your language! Where did you hear that word? Did Jacob say that?

**Daddy was using it. **

Well that would explain it. Seeing as strumpet is not the kind of word Jacob would use.

**So what happened to Tanya-the-Whore?**

Renesmee, if you continue with this language I'm going to force feed you human food, giving you more and more until you regurgitate with more disgust than Edward did after swallowing that piece of cake at his wedding.

**NO! THE HORROR! Fine, you win. Better language. The story?**

Yes, yes, alright. So the Denali coven's mother made a baby vampire in secret. The girls knew nothing at all about it.

_Hi, Carlisle! Helllllloooo, pretty baby! My Renesmee! Is Grampa Carli telling you a bedtime story?_

**I swear to God, if this story gets interrupted one more time…**

Calm down, Renesmee. Bella, I thought you were 'hunting' with Edward?

_Well, I was, but he got mad at me becuase I kept sheilding and un-sheilding. So I punched him, and he ran away crying. Pussy._

I will continue despite the rude interruption.

_Hey!_

As I was saying ahem, Bella, the Denali girls knew nothing about the infant vampire their mother had created. Then one day the Volturi showed up, ready to kill them all. Who knows how they knew? No one knows. Perhaps we will never know. No, I know that knowing is one of those things where usually some people know, others don't, others still think they know, the first people know that the others don't know, and no one knows who really knows everything everyone else knows.

**What?**

_I said the same thing when he told me this story. Just ignore it and you'll be fine._

**Okay.**

When the Volturi showed up, they decapitated their mother and the little child and set fire to their remains. They're sick, those aptly named Poopy-Faced-Volturi. They do that whenever they dismember a vampire. They seriously need help, professional help. I've tried to get them to see Jasper, but so far only Caius has agreed to private therapy sessions.

**I'm growing old here, Carlisle, waiting for you to get to the freaking point of the story already.**

_She literally is, Carlisle. Her hair just grew an inch in the last second!_

Then I had better hurry up, before she becomes a teenager and the only communication between us is the five dollar check I'll send her every birthday.

_Yes, please do._

So the Volturi "killed" the Denali Coven's mother (who, like many people we've heard about, doesn't have a name). They were about to kill the others, too, but Aro touched them and saw their innocence.

_Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, story over here!_

What? Why, Bella? There is so much more to tell!

_Yes, Carlisle, but I'm not going to let you tell anymore if you're not going to keep it PG._

What?

"_Aro touched them and saw their innocence"? She's a baby, Carlisle! She shouldn't even be thinking these things, let alone hearing a story about her cousins doing them!_

**I'm sooooo confused.**

As am I, Renesmee. As am I.

_Carlisle, please. If I wanted my daughter to learn about rape, I would take her to a county jail._

Rape? Is that what you think happened?

_That's not what I thinnnnk happened, that's what I knoooow happened. You used the same exact words when you told me the story._

Bella, I think you are misunderstanding that part of the story.

_How am I misunderstanding this? Aro TOUCHED them, and saw their INNOCENCE. That's how the Bible does it, too._

What?

_The Bible uses the same type of wording to describe these sort of things. 'He knew her, and she was no longer innocent.' That's the kind of thing they use._

Why would I talk like that?

_Well, you wrote the Bible!_

I WHAT?

_You wrote the Bible! You also ate the apple from the tree, parted the sea, built the pyramids, killed all the Indians and banished them to Reservations, started the Big Bang, and created the atom bomb._

No, no, no, Bella. You're confusing me with Chuck Norris.

_Oooooooooooooooh._ _That makes more sense. I KNEW you'd never part the sea. You'd just swim through it._

Exactly.

_What happened to Renesmee?_

She fell asleep.

_So what should we do now?_

Dance Party?

_YAY!_


	43. sexy shmexy

K, yeah, so I know I haven't updated. And that's seriously messed up, since I update EVERY day. Like, every SINGLE day. So here's a short one, just so that I can explain to you that my computer has been seriously FUBARed these past couple of days. SO, here's a quickie, and more to come tomorrow! Luv y'alls! Mwah!  
-Sam

* * *

**_Rosalie_, Emmett**

* * *

**ROSALIE GUESS WHAT.**

_**Erm...somebody decapitated Bella and then set fire to the remains?**_

**No.**

_**Then what?**_

**I'm. Too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts...**

_**But Emmett, I already KNEW that.**_

**Oh, yeah.**

* * *

FUBAR - fucked up beyond all/any repair. Enjoy!

Also: jocular - hilarious. Good way to describe my story... ;-D


	44. TMI

Credit for idea for this chapter goes to insert name here. I forgot who gave me this idea. Just let me know who you are in your review and I'll replace these couple of sentences with your name, in lights! Whah! Shiny! Shwoom! (...yeah.)

Jacob, **Edward, **_Alice, _**Emmett** (alice and emmett underlined. stupid program not wroking)

* * *

Hey, Bloodsucker.

**Hi, Jacob. What's new?**

Nothing much. Well…

**Oh, Hahahahah! Really? She did that? That's hilarious!**

No, it's not!

**It really is.**

How would you feel if she did the same to you?

**That's completely irrelevant. First of all, she would never do that to me; she loves me too much. And second of all, I don't eat whipped cream, so the whole issue would have no basis to begin with.**

_Hey guys! What's up?_

**While Jacob was out hunting with Leah, Bella took his-**

Okay, that's enough! No need to tell everyone everything!

_What? No fair! Tell me! _

**So Bella-**

No, I don't want everyone knowing!

**Too bad. It's two against one. Just TRY to grab the pen away from us, puppy.**

_Haha, puppy. That's a new one._

**So Bella took a can of whipped cream, and she opened it up and filled it with toothpaste.**

_No! She's diabolical!_

**Hey! That's my line! It has been from the beginning!**

Shut up, Emmett. Where did you come from, anyway? Doesn't matter. No one likes you. You should just go die in a hole.

**You make me sad!**

I really don't give a flying crap in space.

_Ha, I like that one. I'm gonna use that on Carlisle. He'll probably get really confused and think I'm serious. Oh wait….Yesh, that's exACTLY what he'll think. I'll see you guys later. Bye!_

**Yeah, I'm going too. I haven't been…ALONE with Rose in a while…**

TMI, big guy. TMI.


	45. Tom Hanks

Psssssh. Pffffft.

Anyways, I have some quotes from some past chapters that no one has guessed yet. :-(  
I'll post the quotes in the next chappy (too lazy to figure out which haven't been guessed yet) and if you can guess them, you get pts. If you can't, I'll post the answer in the chap after THAT.

Oh, btw, go read Keep Away With the Cullens by Piratehannelore. She's awesome.

And the idea for the whiped cream chap was from Katanagirl(insertnumbershere).

Thanks all! REVIEW PLEASE, OR YOU WILL BE FORCED TO GO TO PROM WITH TYLER!! O.o

* * *

_**Emmett**_, B_ella_ (Bella is reading Renesmee a bedtime story, becuase Carli's stories have proved to be wayyyy too innapropriate for a newborn. Both kinds, in fact. Bella the newborn did NOT approve)

* * *

_**Bella?**_

_Yes Emmett?_

_**Did I ever tell you that I used to be a shrimping boat captain?**_

_Really? No, I didn't know that._

_**Well, yeah, I was. I know alls about shrimps.**_

_That's nice, Emmett. _

_**Hey, Bellsypoo, what do you know about shrimp?**_

_Not much, Emmett. And at this point I don't really care. I don't eat shrimp anymore, remember?_

_**Oh, yeah. Hey Bella?**_

_What, Em? I'm a little busy right now._

_**I was thunking, and I thunk that we should go be shrimp boat capytains.**_

_I don't think that's going to happen._

_**But shrimps are ehmazin! They're so coolsy, and... I think I could go on all day about shrimp.**_

_That's nice, Emmett. Why don't you go talk to Jacob about it? He's been lonely lately. I'm sure he'd appreciate some company._

_**That loser? I wouldn't waste my shrimping stories on him!**_

_Don't call people names, Emmett._

_**Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Theres, uh, shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole... shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp... shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... **_

_**That's, that's about it.**_

_Have you been watching Forrest Gump again?_

_**I seriously LOVE that movie.**_

_I can't believe I believed you for even a second. _

_**On second thought, I think I WILL go tell Jacob my shrimpin boat captain story. It'd be fun to mess with him for a while.**_

_Whatever, Em._

_**Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I was stuck in an American airport, and since I was from some random middle eastern country I wasn't allowed to leave?**_

_What?_

_**Yeah, and my country got like all demolished and stuffz, so I ate crackers and ketchup to stay alive.**_

_What the hell are you talking about?_

_**And I got money from putting the carts back into the cart holder, and used that to pay for foodz.**_

_You're not from a middle eastern country._

_**Did I tell you about the time that I made a wish on a carnival thingie, and I got turned into an adult?**_

_You watch WAY too many Tom Hanks movies._

_**Well, Rose is mad at me, so I basically had NOTHING to do last night.**_

_And you decided to inflict this horrible torture on me?_

_**You're right, you're right. I'll go torture Jacob instead. **_

_Good boy._

* * *

If you can name both of the second two movies, you get to be in the next chap (cuz i need ideaz)


	46. Chicago

_Bella,_**Jaspe****r** (in any random place; wherever, whatever...my imagination is shot at the moment. you decide.)

* * *

_You're soooo lucky, Jasper._

**I am? And why's that?**

_You have a theme song!_

**I do?**

_Of course you do, silly._

**Care to enlighten me****?**

_All that Jazz, from Chicago!_

**Hilarious, Bella.**

* * *

L'Shana Tova everybody! And if you don't know what that means, it probably doesn't apply to you, so don't bother asking unless you care.

TheNextCullen332 won! The movies were: Terminal, and Big. Good movies. Idk how they fit into the last chapter; I was writing furiously and when I happened to look up at the screen, that is what i saw.

I get the urban dictionary word/phrase of the day sent to me, so from now on i shall be posting them here, for your entertainment.

October Surprise  
When, in a last minute effort to become re-elected, a political figure happens upon a bit of "lucky coincidence.""  
_News from October 31: We found Osama!  
... although we really had his ass in a cell under the Pentagon the last three years."_

FNG  
Military term, 'Fucking New Guy' usually someone just out of training or just transfered into the unit/AO, who either hasn't proved his worth or doesn't know how to operate properly due to lack of experiance.  
_"Damnit, nearly everyone here is an FNG, we'll be wiped out on the next op"_

You forgot Poland  
What you say to a person when you have been one-upped by said person in an argument or debate of some sort. Pretty much just lets you try to get the last word in when you have no other retort.  
_Person A: "Oh man! We got jumped by like twelve guys and kicked all their asses!"  
Person B: "Actually there were three; Steve McPeterson, Dave Ellis, and that guy that works the Wendy's drive-thru."  
Person A: "Well, you forgot Poland."_


	47. le francais

**Jasper,**_ Bella,_ Alice (Im Bella's closet in the little closet, as she is trying on a ball gown while Edward and Jasper converse in the foyer-slash-living room...ish...area...of the house. Or cottage. Cuz it's small no knocking my house! Um, yeah. You get the point.)

* * *

_Alice, I love you!_

I know Bella. How could you not? It's not every sister that buys you a ball gown every week just for the fun of it.

_Well, that's not what I was referring to exactly._

Then to which of my amazing attributes were you referring, oh sister dearest?

_I was referring to the fact that-_

**Hey, guys, whatcha talking about?**

_Hot cha!_

Whoopee!

**Huh?**

_Oh, we're gonna see you sheeba shimmie shake._

AND ALL THAT JAZZ!

**Ugh! I hate you two!**

Oh, please. You're my husband. I know you don't hate me.

**Well, that's besides the point.**

It really isn't, hubby of mine.

**Yes it is!**

_Did you seriously just stomp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV._

**I'm not a girl! Stop making fun of me!**

Oh, go ahead and run away, you big baby.

_Haha, Alice, your husband runs like a girl._

I know. It's a sad but un-fixable fact of life.

_What were we talking about again?_

We were talking about how much you love me and how amazing I am.

_Oh, right. Alice is the most amazingful personne dans le world._

Mais, merci, ma bonne amie! Et Bella est tres merveilleux aussi!

_Yeah, I have no idea what that means._

Oh. Well you should know, Bella, that I'm fluent in French.

_How the hell was I supposed to know that?_

Well, you should have assumed.

_When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me._

Bella, really. I've been alive for quite some time. I've had plenty of time to become fluent in five languages. Just because Edward knows the most doesn't mean the rest of us don't know any besides English. And besides; it's fairly easy for a vampire to learn a language. We have plenty of space in our brains, remember? And we have perfect recall.

_Well, you forgot Poland._I'm not even gonna give you the whole definition of the urban dick word of the day today cuz it in toto sucked ass. Love you all!

* * *

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW OR YOU WILL BE RAPED BY THE CREEPY PETRIFIED RUSSIAN VAMPRIES WHOSE NAMES DON'T REALLY MATTER CUZ THEY'RE GAY WITH EACHOTHER. (not that there's anything wrong with that)


	48. vampires dont drink gin

_Bella,_** Jasper**

* * *

_Start the car._

**Beg pardon?**

_I know a whoopee spot._

**Huh?**

_Where the gin is cool,_

**We don't drink gin, Bella. We're vampires.**

_And the piano's hot!_

**I don't hear Edward playing...**

_It's just a noisy hall, _

**It is? Ugh, I don't like noisy places. Maybe we shouldn't go.**

_Where there's a nightly brawl!_

**Wow. Where is this place? It sounds rough. So I'm assuming it's not in Forks...**

_And all._

**Oh no.**

_That._

**Not again.**

_Jaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!_


	49. Payback's a Bitch

Payback's a bitch. But not Bella's revenge on Rosalie. That plan has yet to form in my mind...but eventually it will come to me, you will see. And then she will pay. MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHH!

(feel free to join in on the evil laugh in your review. If you join in on the laugh, and make a revenge plot suggestion, you will be mentioned next chapter)

* * *

**Jasper**, Alice (In Alice and Jasper's house. Yes, they have their own house as well. It is equipped with many fun things for them to do and awesome rooms for them to do those things in...inlcuding Jasper's office where he see's his patients. But they're not there right now; No, they are in the bathroom as Alice is putting on makeup. And Jasper's barging in on her has caused her to make the eyeliner on her left eye 1/133456555 longer than the other eye. So Alice is pissed. Hence:

* * *

**A****lice! You have to help me! Bella is driving me insane! She wont stop!**

Jazz Hands!!

**Not you too!**

I luuuurv you!

**Ahhhh! Get away!!**

Come on, you know you love having your own theme song.

**No! I hate it! Do you know how annoying it is to have someone play a theme song every time you walk into a room?**

No, actually, I don't. Why don't you tell me about it?

**Well, it's really annoying! Every time I walk into the room Bella plays that stupid song.**

And how do you feel about that?

**Very, very annoyed.**

I see, I see. Now, tell me, Jasperrr: How does that make you FEEL?

**FREAKING ANNOYED.**

Hmm, I understand. Well, have you tried talking to her about it?

**No.**

Why don't you?

**Because she's a stupid head and I don't want to talk to her!**

Now, now, Jasper. Be a big boy. Don't throw a tantrum.

**FINE. I'LL TALK TO HER. Happy?**

Don't go doing me any favors. You should go talk to her because you think it's the right thing to do.

**Okay, okay. I'm going to talk to Bella about my feelings because I WANT to, and for no other reason.**

That's a good boy.

**Alright, honey. I'll go talk to her now. See you later.**

Wait, Jasper, before you go...

**Yes?**

Well, there's the small matter of my fee...

**Your FEE?**

Well, yes. My services are 658,974 euros an hour, but since you were referred to me by another of my clients, I'll only charge you 558,974 francs. And that's 45 billion yen extra for making house calls.

**Excuse me?**

Cash preferred.

**You have GOT to be kidding me.**

Payback's a bitch, sweetie.

**Payback? You mean for when I was being your therapist? I thought we were over that!**

Obviously I've been harboring my ill feelings toward you, keeping them inside and letting them eat at me until I was ready to explode.

**Well if you have, then you have not progressed enough to be done with daily counseling. Might I suggest you see my associate, Mr. Cullen, since my services were unsatisfactory?**

OH MY DUCKING GOD JASPER WHITLOCK HALE CULLEN...OH THE THINGS I WOULD DO TO YOU IF YOU WEREN'T MY HUSBAND.

**I think that's my cue to run.**

Yes, sweetie. Yes it is.

* * *

Go! REview! Run! Or the Joker will get you! (hmmm...new inspiration...)


	50. Woah someone's obviously on crack

**Well we all now know who reads the author's notes and who doesn't! Thanks to fishypeople, thenexycullen332, j k meyer, and katanagirl16 for becoming attuned to my brainwashing and obeying my every command.**

**So, let us try a little experiment here. To see how many people read my little comments before and after the chapter, I'm going to give you reveiw commands. Obey if you read this!**

**Today I want you to put a smiley in your review. And not just any smiley. You must put Bob the Gay Clown with a Mole in your review. Bob has no one to love him and is very lonely. Tear.**

**:O).**

* * *

IM with s.clearwater from b.cullen 

b.cullen: Seth! I haven't seen you in so long!! What's up?

s.clearwater: I am in an EXTRORDINARY mood... of extrordinaryness. I made up that word. That's how extrodinary I feel.

b.cullen: That's nice. What happened to make you feel so extraordinary?

s.clearwater: Do you know what a funny word is? Hippopotamus. I think I spelled that wrongly. I don't care, because I am in a hippopotamously extrordinary mood. I love being in this mood very muchly. Now, I am justly adding ly on the end of all these words that are fabulously amazing. I wanted to end with fabulously, but that would sound like an ACTUAL word, and not a really fabulous one.

b.cullen: umm...okay?

s.clearwater: Do YOU find yourself in fits of giggles when you watch the ad for HSM3? Because, I do. I think it is very funny, especially when Zac (WHY DOES HE SPELL HIS NAME LIKE THAT; IT MAKES ME WANT TO STAB HIM!) Efron.

b.cullen: Seth, you're scaring me.

s.clearwater: What kind of last name is Efron? He dude, it's like, an effing fron! What's a fron? It's like a fro, but sweatier! It's Zachs trademark. Actually it's spelled Zac. Why does he spell his name like a froob? I dunno, I guess he is a froob.

b.cullen: What's a froob? Oh, never mind. I'll just look it up on Urban Dick.

s.clearwater: I forgot what I was going to write. Type. With typists things...What are they called? Keys? I think that's weird. Do they unlock things?

b.cullen: Um, no. They just type.

s.clearwater: Oh, duh squared! They unlock KNOWLEDGE!

b.cullen: Okay then.

s.clearwater: Pfft.

b.cullen: Uh, I have to go car my wash.  
b.cullen: I mean, dog my car.  
b.cullen: Er, I mean, wash my dog.  
b.cullen: I mean...oh never mind. I'm leaving. Bye.

b.cullen signed off at 4:78 AM 

s.clearwater: Okay, um.

s.clearwater: Bai

s.clearwater signed off at 4:82 AM

* * *

**This was very amazingly inspired. I got a review the other day (i forgot from who) and i literally copy and pasted SEth's lines from this review. It was kinda crazy. Only a person on crack could write this. So i decided Seth was on crack. I know it's very OOC so I probably will never ever do it again.**

**Also: I get notifications by email when you review, make my a favorite, or put me on your alerts. So I can see the people who put me on Author alerts, story alerts, author favorites, and story favorites. **

**So I can see the people who do all of those things and still cannot take one second to review. Seriously. That's not cool. You can most certainly take five seconds out of your day to be appreciative if I can take ten minutes out of my day to put this up on the internet for YOUR entertainment.**

Manicorn  
a mythical male creature who is successful (read: pursuing his passion and can pay his electric bills/rent), funny, chivalrous, masculine (read: not chauvinistic), adventurous, artistic (read: not suicidal).

_"When will I meet a manicorn? I keep getting stuck with all these losers!"_


	51. Mmm, ducks

So it took me awhile to update this time for several reasons. The first is because i have a shitload of homeowork and have procrastinating down to a science. The second one is becuase I recieved my first bad review yesterday.

It was very upsetting to me. The review simply said that my story wasn't funny at all and that I should make it funnier. No suggestions on how to do that. So apparenlty the person who sent me that review went out of their way to read 50 chapters that they hated...?? I was deeply hurt and nearly cried. Thank god they didn't say anything worse. But then again, I jsut got my period yesterday and am a bit hormonal. :O).

Btw, Bob the gay clown smiley is a friend of my husband's and mine. Well, he's not REALLY my huzband...he's my faceeebook husband. I'm not really his type (he's gay). But anywayz, Brad (my hubby) has rejected the advances of Bob the Gay Clown Smiley with a Mole, and so he decided he's going to commit suicide tonight at midnight. (he has a bit of a flair for the dramatic.) So as another test to see who reads authors notes, I'm asking anyone who reads this to put Bob the Gay Clown Smiley with a Mole in your review and write RIP, with perhaps a nice note on how you will miss him deeply.

* * *

**Edward, ****_Renesmee_**

* * *

**And so, like the rest of us, when Grandpa held you in his arms for the very first time, he was absolutely smitten. We could all see it in his eyes. You owned him from day one.**

_**Omdg! R u srs?**_

**Who let you watch Dark Knight? Was it Emmett?**

_**Just answer the question, fatass.**_

**Don't you dare speak to your father that way!**

_**Just answer the question!**_

**Fine. Yes, then. I'm completely serial. Ahh, serious. Damn pen. Who would invent a pen that's four feet long?**

_**OH MY DUCKING GOD.**_

**What! What happened! Are you hurt?**

_**I pwn Grandpa!**_

**Pardon?**

_**Oh, get with the times, old man. It's internet language. It means own? Ringing any bells here?**_

**Oh, oh, I see.**

_**So...I PWN CHARLIE!**_

**Don't call him by his first name, Renesmee. Be more respectful. He's your grandfather!**

_**Okay then...How to rephrase...**_

**Tick, tock.**

_**I PWN DUMBSHIT!**_

**That's GRANDPA DUMBSHIT to you, Renesmee.**

_**Haha, I'm telling Mom.**_

**Don't you dare! Renesmee! RENESMEE!**

**Arrrg, why is it that every time I attempt to join one of these win-ful note writing sessions I get left alone?  
Haha, I said Arrrg. That's pirate talk.  
ARRRR, MATEY! I'M A PIRATE! ARRRR!**

**Polly want a cracker?**

**No, Edward! For the last time, Polly does not want a ducking cracker! Jesus!  
--Yes?  
Oh, great, now the dumbshit thinks he's Jesus.  
Huh? Charlie's here? HI CHARLIE!  
No, you hebetudinous lump, he's not here. And even if he WAS here, he wouldn't see that unless you waved the ducking paper in his ducking face.**

**No. Wait...NO! AHH! Stop talking to yourself, Edward! For Pete's sake!  
Who's Pete? NO! RESIST! RESIST!  
Can't...help it...I'm just too amazing! Ahhh! Can't stop!!**

**Hmm...you know what would be really nice right now? A nice, hot, plump gazelle. Yeah...Or a zebra!  
Or a giraffe...no no, Edward, stay away from those, remember what happened last time?**

**What the duck are you talking about?  
Hey! Watch you're ducking mouth!  
You can't tell me what to do!  
You wanna bet?  
Bring it on, you ducking duck ducker!  
Yeah? Well GO DUCK A DUCK!**

**Yum...ducks...**

**Wow, you really shouldn't let yourself get so hungry. You're eyes are so dark, I could go blind looking into them.  
Ooh, nice analogy. You should write that down in your diary.  
Er, OUR diary.  
My diary?  
Whatever.**

**Oh, look! There's Jacob.  
Did you know Jacob's a wolf?  
Mmmm...wolves...  
Do you think we could get over the smell enough to eat him?  
Yeah, that'd be easy.**

**YO, JACOB!**

**Ugh, stupid, he can't hear you if you're writing it down!  
Okkkay, then what am I supposed to do to get his attention?  
Yell out his name!  
But it's no talking! You have to write it down! :-D  
Damn.  
Guess we'll have to eat him another time.  
YOU'll have to eat him another time...  
I'll have to eat him another time?  
Whatever.**

* * *

Teehee. That gives me a new idea: Edward's diary...

Oh, btw, I'm happy to say that around 90 of my reviewers put Bob in their review, but very few of them remembered to join in on the evil laugh. Oh well.


	52. Damn that mother chucker

So, everybody, today at 11:29 AM I recieved my 300th review! I was so excited! So if you're as excited as me, put this in your review:

_I'm so excited!  
And I just can't hide it!  
I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it!_

* * *

_Bella, _**Edward, **Jacob, Emmett, JAsper

* * *

_Damn that mother Chucker!_

**...Pardon?**

_He's not only suuuch a sleeze bag, but he knows he loves Blair but he keeps messing it up because he's a douche._

**I'm sorry, but who is this we're talking about?**

_Chuck. Chuck Bass. Aka Chuck ASS._

**Who?**

Er Mih Gee, you don't know who Chuck Bass is? Where have you been living?

**Right here?**

_Ohmyduckinggod, he's serious. I can't believe he's serious. He really doesn't know who Chuck Bass is._

How is that even possible? We were literally JUST watching the show with him. He was literally sitting right here.

**Oh, is he a character from Gossip Girl? I wasn't really paying attention.**

_WHAAAAAATTTT?_

HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT?!11?!1/1?!1!?/

**I'm not.**

Yes you are!

**No, I'm writing it down. 'No talking! Write it down. :-D' Remember?**

Oh yeah.

_Actually, he has a point._

But that still doesn't make up for the fact that he doesn't know who Chuck Bass is.

_Oh. True._

**Bella, I deeply apologize. Truly. From the bottom of my heart. How can I make it up to you?**

_Wanna guess?_

**Huh? I don't quite follow...oh. Um...OH. Ok, then. We'll see you later, Jacob.**

What? Why? Where are you going?

**Listen, son, your mother and I need to have a little...'discussion'. We'll talk to you later.**

I don't get it. Oh well. Whatever. Stupid bloodsuckers.

I'm bored.

_**NI!**_

Ahhh! Emmett! What are you doing?

_**I am saying ni to you!**_

How could you do such an awful thing? You horrible old man!

_**We shall say ni to you until you give in to our demands.**_

We?

_**My accomplice, Jasper, is here with me as well.**_

**Nu!**

_**No, it's 'ni!' Say it with me now, 'ni!'**_

**Nu!**

_**No, ni!**_

**Na!**

_**Ni! Ni! It's ni!**_

**Ni!**

_**There you go.**_

So...what were your demands?

_**Oh. Um, I ferget.**_

You guys are annoying.

**WE are not guys, WE are Knights!**

Okay, then, you are annoying, O Knights who Say Ni.

_**Ah, but we are no longer the Knights who Say Ni! We are now the Knights Who Say Ekke-ekke-ekke-ekke-ptang-zoo-boing!**_

Okay then Knights...Knights Who Until Recently Said Ni. What is it you want from me?

**Noooooo! The word the Knights who say Ni cannot hear!**

What are you talking about? I thought you were no longer the Knights who say Ni!

_**Damn, Jaspy, he got us there.**_

**Well, how about we be Knights of the Round Table instead?**

_**Yay!**_

Then, let us ride to...CAMELOT!

_**We're knights of the round table, we dance whene're we're able.**_  
**We do routines, and border scenes, with footwork imp-e-cable;**  
We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spam a lot!

_**We're knights of the round table, our shows are for-mid-able**__**.**_  
Though many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able.  
**We're not so bad in Camelot, we sing from the Dia-phragm alot!**

Though we're tough and able,  
Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable,  
Between our quests, we seek incest and impersonate Clark Gable,  
It's a busy life in Camelot:  
I have to push the pram-a-lot!

_**...On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly plac****e.**_


	53. practice makes perfect

So this whole chappy inspired by TheNextCullen332's profile/bio/whatever-the-hell-its-called-thingie. And some of my own convos with my friends.

If you read A/N's and you now it clap your hands! (in your review. I can't tell whether or not you're actually clapping your hands)

* * *

_Bella, _**Edward**

* * *

I l_ove you!_

**I love you too.**

_How much do you love me?_

**I love you more than the size of the Earth, the depth of the Mariana Trench, more than the elevation of Everest, more than-**

_Yeah, but Edward, your words lose their meaning due to the fact that I don't know any of those things._

**Very big/very deep/very high.**

_Got it. You wanna know how much I love you?_

**You don't have to prove anything to me. I know how much you love me.**

_I love you more than a fat kid loves cake._

…**interesting analogy.**

_I love you more than an emo kid loves razerblades._

…**even more interesting.**

_I love you more than a fat emo kid loves razerblade cakes!_

**I'm beginning to suspect that Seth's recent crack addiction is somehow affecting your mood.**

_-GOSP- I LOVE YOU MORE THAN JASPER LOVES A FAT EMO KID WHO CUTS HIMSELF ON A RAZORBLADE CAKE THAT HIS/HER BROTHER BAKED HIM/HER FOR HIS/HER BIRTHDAY!_

**-scoffs- Impossible.**

_Wait, what?_

**There is no love in this world greater than the love of Jasper for fat emo kids who cut themselves on razerblade birthday cakes baked by their brothers.**

_But I thought our love was the greatest thing in the world._

…**second only to that.**

_Oh. Well, I do love you, Fedward._

**Fedward?**

_Yes! What, have you not read Maximum Ride?_

**I can't say I ever have.**

_Wow. I'm sorry for your lack of a fulfilled life, then, Fedward._

**Stop calling me that!**

_Never!! So. New subject._

**Such as?**

_What's the most interesting animal you've ever eaten?_

**Hm, well, emus are quite interesting creatures. **

_Are they?_

**Yes. In fact, emus are the only birds on earth who-**

_Now, when you say 'only birds on earth', does that mean that there are birds that are NOT of this earth?_

**No, it's just a figure of-**

_You've lost my interest._

**Yes, definitely being affected by Seth.**

_Hey, if emu's could hold knives, would they become emo's?_

**Depends. Are they depressed?**

_Depression reminds me of Jacob._

**Jacob's not depressed.**

…_Or is he? -cue dramatic music-_

**He's not. Interesting that you associated 'depression' with 'Jacob', though.**

_Association! Let's play a word association game._

**Alright. I'll start. Grass.**

_Green._

**Asparagus.**

_Smelly pee._

**Disgusting.**

_Werewolves._

**Jacob.**

_Russet._

**Rusty.**

_Good band name._

**I'm sorry?**

_Apology._

**No, Bella, I was asking you a question.**

_Answer._

**Bella, love, I'm not playing the game anymore. I'm trying to talk to you. Well, write to you. Bella!**

_Too sexy for her shirt._

**Fine. I'll play along.**

_Children playing._

**Adults playing.**

_Bedroom games._

**Last night.**

_I love you, Fedward._

**Fedora!**

_Commo? _

**Fedward sounds like Fedora.**

_You really suck at this game, you know._

**Sorry.**

_Sheesh. And here I thought that Fedward Cullen was good at everything._

**Well then this is the only thing I'm not good at.**

_Yeah, well that, and all games in general._

**Not ALL games.**

_All the fun ones!_

**Bedroom games are fun, are they not?**

_They are._

**So then I'm good at one fun game…**

_Who said you were good at it?_

**What!**

_Well, IIIIII never said that._

**Well, then, you can tell me what I'm doing wrong.**

_What, right now?_

**Practice makes perfect. ;-)**

* * *

So my friend and I are texting each other in class (texting in class - note passing of this era...oooh, inspirations!!)

And this one dude is kicking Ali's chair and she's like practially screaming at him. So this is how one of our text convos went.

**ALI: Shooopppp da whoopppp  
**ME: oasdkfjerlkgjlsdfkgl;kjglkjasdlkfjadm  
ME: "Stephan stop kickin mai chair!"**  
ALI: He called me an attention whore!  
**ME: SPUNK RANSOM  
**ALI: How did you get that from attetion whore?  
**ME: He's hott  
**ALI: But defff not an attention whore.  
**ME: SPUNK RANSOM  
**ALI: equals hawtie con un boday!  
**ME: awkljglskdgalksdjlkasjdf  
**ALI: Like hey girl hey!!  
**ME: poo  
**ALI: Be jelous!  
ALI: moop  
**ME: poom  
**ALI: opom  
**ME: opium  
**ALI: Come again?  
**ME: herion  
**ALI: exactly my brand of heroin  
**ME: SAMI - R PATT'S SECRET LOVER  
**ALI: gasp! You stole my job!  
**ME: Mwahahahaha

And then we proceeded to pay attetion. This is physics, But our teacher doesn't actually know how to teach, so yeah. I haz sound effects on my phone, and we're learning about free fall, so whenever he mentions dropping something or something falling, I play a 'long whistle-splat' sound. It's quite amusing. It annoys the teacher. This being the teacher who told us to square bananas. O.o

Teehee.

* * *


	54. No, Emmett, you can't

(_**Emmett, Rosalie)**_

* * *

_**Sexy can I?**_

_**No.**_

* * *


	55. safe sex is great sex betta wear a latex

**Requests? just let me know how i can oblige.**

**Who let the dogs out? Who? Who, who who? Let me know who you think it was in your review.  
(and, of course, by dogs I mean wolves...aka Jake, Sethypoo, Sam... **

* * *

_Bella, _Esme  
**(yay! finally! I finaly found a way to incorporate her. She really isn't funny, you know. so it's hard to fit her in.)**

* * *

_Hey Essie! I haven't talked to you in forever! Thanks for joining the notes._

Of course, Bella. 

_So what's new in your life?_

Well yesterday evening Carlisle and I played a rousing game of backgammon. It was quite a night.

_It was indeed. Edward and I also had a nice time last night. Well, better than nice, but I really don't need to go into detail._

Actually, Bella, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

_Really? What do you mean?_

Not to be too awkward, but I'd like to ask you if you and Edward are using protection.

_Excuse me?_

Well, Bella, as your mother, it's my job to make sure my daughter is practicing safe sex.

_Is this a joke?_

Safe sex is never a joke, Bella. You need to make sure that you and Edward are completely protected, or you could get pregnant. Let's face it Bella, nineteen is just too early to bring a child into the world.

_Esme, I already HAVE a child._

What? You're pregnant? I knew it! Oh, I'm such a bad mother! I should have talked to you about this sooner.

_Pregnant? No, Esme, I'm definatley not preggers._

How do you know? ARE YOU SURE? Did you take a home pregnancy test?

_There's no need._

Yes there is, Bella! You need to be sure!

_Esme, I'm a vampire. Edward is a vampire. There is no possible way for me to become pregnant. If there was a way, Rosalie would have figured it out by now. _

Nevertheless, you should check. You two are really too young to become parents.

_Hate to break it to you, E, but we already have a child._

You do? What did you do with it? Did you give it up for adoption? Oh, the hardship that pregnancy must have cost you! And for what? So some stranger could benefit from your pain and suffering?

_We kept her. _

You did?! Can I meet her?

_You already have. I named her after you, remember?_

You did? I'm flattered!

_Yes, surely you remember now. Renesmee._

Renesmee? That's not my name.

_It's a conglomeration of your name and my mother's name._

Exactly. It's your mother's name. Which is Esme. Which is not the same as Renesmee.

_No, my real mother._

Pardon?

_Renee? My birth mother?_

Oh, so after all those years of raising you, this is the thanks I get? You call some other woman mother?

_Esme, I-_

I don't want to hear your excuses! I adopted you, you know! I chose to have you and raise you as my own! And what did you do? You spurned my love! Spurned it! You ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it into the dumpster that is my life!

_Esme, you never adopted me._

Well, true, but-

_You never really adopted Edward._

Well, yes, and-

_So you really aren't my mother at all, now, are you?_

I...I...

_That's okay. I'll take your stammering to mean that you concede the point._

Well, Renesmee is a stupid name!


	56. baconfreaks

Baconfreak: A person that will eat bacon with just about anything.

Barktown: "very bad situation" Bark is used instead of a swear word. Town is used to describe the area or place of the bad situation.

Artard: basically retard, only people can't yell at you for using it ;-)

Use a word in your review as a continuation of the A/N experiment. People actually following has gone down some... (Words courtesy of UrbanDic)

* * *

(Carlise, **Edward, **Jacob, _Sam,_**Emmett****)** I know it's a lot of characters, but it should be pretty clear who's writing what.

* * *

Edward, I need to talk to you.

**About what? Your mind is all confused.**

That's because I'm very confused.

**Why are you confused, Carlisle? Did Emmett rearrange the furniture again?**

Yes, actually, he did. That little stunt occupied most of my morning. I was late for work, and Esme was in a tizzy. I just get so confused when suddenly everything is in a different place...

**It's okay, Father. You'll get over it soon enough.**

Yes, but that was this morning. My confusion now is something different.

**Why don't you try explaining to me what you're trying to think? Because nothing makes sense in your head right now.**

Okay. Well, after I came home from work today, I walked in the door and said hello to Jasper before he left the house. And that's when I saw you...

**Yes, and then you proceeded to stare at me for five hours straight. Trying to straighten out your thoughts, I presume.**

Yes, yes. But see, that's why I'm confused. When I walked in the door and I looked at you, I...I felt...

**You felt what, Carlisle?**

Edward, I think I'm in love with you.

**I'm sorry, I think I must have gone temporarily blind and misread your handwriting. What were you trying to tell me?**

I love you, Edward. I'm IN love with you.

**Okay, see, I think your morning confusion over the furniture arrangement has somehow addled your brain.**

No, Edward, my brain is perfectly fine. I'm in love with you. Yesterday I loved Esme, and today I love you. It makes no sense, but there it is.

**No. No, I refuse to accept that.**

Why, Edward? What is wrong with love between to men?

**Well, until today, Carlisle, you were a devout Christian. And the Bible forbids love between two men. You should know this, seeing as you wrote it and all. Uh, not that I think there's anything wrong with being gay and everything.**

I did not write the Bible! Where are all of getting this from? Jeez!

**Still, Carlisle (or should I be calling you God?), being a Christian means no gay love.**

I think I know the Bible a bit better than you, Edward. It says that a man or a woman can have homosexual feelings, they can just never act upon them. But I don't care. Screw religion. I love you and there's nothing else in the world that can change it.

**Carlisle! This is crazy! I love Bella, you love Esme! What is going on here?**

My feelings have changed, Edward. That is all. And I love you from the depths of my soul.

**Oh, lord.**

Edward, I _must_ talk with you immediately.

**Jacob, now's really not the best time.**

It's extremely important.

**FINE. What?**

I...I think I'm in love with you, Edward.

**WHAT?**

Jacob, that's impossible. I love Edward. You love Renesmee, remember?

**He BETTER not say yes.**

No, how could I love Renesmee? She is but a child. You, however, Edward, are a man. A tall, strong, handsome...sexy man. And you shall be mine.

Um, NO, he's mine.

He's mine!

He's MINE!!

**Hey! I'm Bella's!**

_Jacob, I need to tell you something. It can't wait._

Hurry up, Sam, I'm in the middle of a bidding war here.

_Well, it's confusing...but I don't love Emily anymore._

Huh? Why?

_Well, I love somebody else._

Who?

_Edward?_

**No! Not you too!**

You cannot have him, Sam. Edward is mine!

Mine!!

_MINNNNNEEE!!_

Shut up, you stupid baconfreak!

**Hey, who invited all these wolves into the house? It stinks like crazy.**

**Emmett, now is a really REALLY bad time. I've kinda been living in barktown for the last couple of minutes.**

**But I have something to tell you! It's very important.**

**Can it not wait?**

**No! I must tell you immediately!**

Oh no! not you too!

This is getting out of hand.

_I agree. We all know that I love Edward the most!_

**What? No, I don't love Edward. I love Rosalie. Duh.**

**Oh. Well that's just what we assumed, seeing as the last couple of minutes has been full of confessions of love for me.**

**Pffft, Edward, you have girls declaring their love for you every five seconds on Facebook. And many men, too, for that matter.**

He does have a point.

_Yeah. So, what, they can be in love with you, but we can't?_

**Ew. Can someone please get these artards out of here? I feel like my nostrils are bleeding.**

**Jacob, Sam, there's some bacon outside.**

_Bacon?_

BACON??

Wow. That was easy. Now just get rid of Emmett so we can be alone together.

**Wait! I have to tell you!**

**Tell us what?**

**Well, I was sworn to secrecy, but I decided that watching this gay love thing between you guys wouldn't be nearly as much fun as watching you all beat the crap out of Jasper, especially since-**

**Oh God.**

What is it, love?

**Jasper.**

**I told you. I'm leaving. Call me when the action starts.**

What about Jasper, dearest?

**I'm going to kill him.**

Ah, you're so silly, Edward. You know you can't kill a vampire; we're already dead! I think it's your silliness that endears me to you the most.

**Shut up.**

What?

**SHUT UP! JASPERRRRRRR!**

He can't hear you, you know. Seeing as you're just writing his name down on paper.

**SHUT UPPPPPPPPPP!**

Oh, testy testy. Does my cranky, sexy man need a nap?

**I'm going to tear your arm off if you don't shut up.**

Now now. Save that for Jasper.

**You're right. And that reminds me...**

**JASPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!**

Say it out loud. That should help a little bit.

**Oh yeah. Right.**

* * *

So this chappy is because I didn't think Breaking Dawn was really based on Midsummer's Night's Dream, as advertised.

Only nine more reviews till 400! yay!


	57. REVENGE

SOOOO, I have a virus. Hence the lack of an update yesterday. I left school early, so no updates there, and then I slept like five hours when I finally got home. Sochyeah.

I've got a new poll on my profile/bio/whatever-the-hell-you-call-it-thingie. It's about a new story of mine I'm thinking of writing. I'd be much obliged if you'd all check it out.

* * *

_(**Emmett****,**__ Bella)_

* * *

_**Bella, I was wondering.**_

_Yes?_

_** Will you ever be exacting your revenge on Rosalie?**_

_Oh, yes, Emmett. The day will come when we shall be even. The day WILL come when Rosalie is horrifyingly mortified, deep down into her bones, begging me for forgiveness, pleading with me to have mercy. The day will come when she will be so horrified by what I have done that she wont be able to speak for days. My revenge will be so escalated, so exact, and so perfect, that it will be remembered for hundreds and hundreds of millennia to come._

_**Um, okay then.**_

* * *

Review command time! I've decided to put this at the end of the chapter so people might remember more easily.

So, today, tell me: What's the worst illness you've ever had?

LOVE YOU ALL! KISSES!


	58. Scooby Doo Much?

429 reviews, 60 favs, 62 alerts! yay! And sorry my A/Ns are always so long, i just have alot to say. Sorry to everyone who's had a horrible illness before!

**ALSO: How does the whole Beta thing work? I'm not sure I understand that. Can someone explain to me please?**

* * *

_(__Bella__,_**Edward,**_**??**_**)**

* * *

_Nosotros commemimos!_

**What?**

_It's Spanish. It means "We're friends"_

**No it doesn't.**

_Yes it does!_

**No…it most certainly does not, Bella.**

_And how would you know?_

**I'm fluent in Spanish. You know this.**

_Oh. Well I'm fluent in two languages, did you know that?_

**I didn't actually. Hold on one moment, I'm going to put Renesmee to bed. She's been spending too much time with Zafrina ever since the Amazonians came to visit and needs her sleep. I'll be right back.**

_Alrighty then. See you in a minute.__  
__Hi, shnookum pie! That was fast, Edward._

_**Hello, gorgeous. What were we previously conversing about before I oh so rudely left your beatifulness all alone?**_

_I was about to tell you the two languages I'm fluent in._

_**Ah, see I did not know that! Hmm, you learn something new everyday. Care to enlighten me?**_

_Well, Edward, I'm fluent in English._

_**And what's the second language?**_

_Metternich._

_**I beg your pardon?**_

_Metternich!_

_**Love, Prince Klemens von Metternich was most certainly a person, not a language.**_

_I am Prince Kelemens von Metternich!_

_**I'm sorry? I did not quite catch that**__**.**_

_From now on you shall address me as either Prince Klemens von Metternich or PKvM._

_**No. Bella, that's utterly absurd.**_

_Why?_

_**I'm not going to address you as Prince Klemens von Metternich.**_

_Whyyyy?_

_**Well, for one thing, it's too long.**_

_Fine, then, call me PKvM._

_**No.**_

_Whyyyyy?_

_**It's ridiculous! Honestly, Bella, I'm sick and tired of you acting all annoying.**_

_What?_

_**It's driving me coockoo. I truly could not be any more coockoo than if I were the stupid orange bird who likes to eat Cocoa Puffs.**_

_That's quite an intersting analogy, Fedward._

_**And furthermore, if you do not stop annoying me so thoroughly, I will leave you for Tanya. She is far more attractive than you, and a better player of bedroom games.**_

_Puh-lease. There is no one on earth who can beat my high score._

_**Ah, but you see, Tanya has recently been building a space shuttle. Soon the two of us will be able to leave this world and play bedroom games in space.**_

_Uh-huh._

_**Also, you look horrible in blue.**_

_Really?_

**Love, I've put the baby to sleep and-**

_**Hey! Who are you? Imposter!**_

_There's two of you? TWO EDWARDS? I'm not sure if this is a dream come true or a nightmare._

_**It's a dream come true, of course, my dear Isabella. I am the real Edward.**_

**What? This is perposterous. I am the real Edward!**

_Okay, we need to come up with a way to prove who the real Edward is._

**Easy. I can hear what the imposter is thinking, and he is oviously an imposter!**

_Yeah, Fedward, but that would be alot more helpful if WE could also hear his thoughts. Because I'm not just going to take your word for it. That is exactly what the REAL imposter would say._

**Oh, Lord, this is ridiculous.**

_Alright, alright. Well, how did this come about, anyways?_

_**Well, the answer to that is quite obviously obvious. Zafrina is visiting, and she obviously is messing with us.**_

_That's right. And the real Edward would know why I can't take my sheild down to figure out which one is which._

_**Ohohohohohohoh!! I know, pick me pick me pick me!!**_

_Fine, Edward I._

**Why does he get to be Edward I? Why can't I be Edward I?**

_Because you're Edward II. So shut up and let Edward I talk._

_**ccchOkay. So. You can't put down your sheild becauuuuse...ummmm...**_

**Because you've becme paranoid about the Volturi returning or some other coven attacking us so you've been keeping everybody underneath is for two weeks straight, and it's been exhausting you mentally. And that's why we haven't played any bedroom games in the last two nights.**

_**Hey! I knew that! Just because he said it first doesn't mean that he's not the imposter! He could just know that.**_

_Hmm, Edward I does have a point..._

**Damn.**

_Okay, okay, I have a way to tell who's the real one._

_**Okay.**_

**Uh oh, I'm nervous already.**

_The REAL Fedward would know WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE BEGINNING OF THE CONVERSATION what Nosotros Commemimos means._

**Love, that's ridiculous. What if Edward I read the paper before now?**

_Just tell me._

_**It's Spanish for: "We're friends."**_

**Wrong.**

_**Ha! Check the paper, Edward II. Or should I say, IMPOSTER!**_

_Yes, imposter! Oh, Edward, I knew it was you all along!_

**But he's wroooonnng!!**

_Why do you think he's wrong, Fedward II? That's what it means._

**Becausssse, 'nosotros commemimos' isn't real Spanish. It doesn't mean anything!**

_..._

_..._

_Oh, Edward! Of course it's you! I should have known! Only a shrewd mind like yours could have come to that conclusion!_

**And to see who the real imposter is...**

_EMMETT!_

_**And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids! Mwhahahahahaha! REVENGE SHALL BE MINE!**_

_That was slightly anti-climatic._

**I disagree. There was a bit of climax-ish development, right there at the end.**

_Oh, shut up._

**Fine, it was a stupid ending.**

_Yeah, Scooby Doo much?_

* * *

Don't forget to check out the poll on my Profile-place-whatever-bio-thing! Someone asked for more info, so I'll give it to you. The story is tentatively called **"The Crazy Adventures of Jasper and Emmett at Night"** and will probably be referred to as **CAJEN**for short. It's post-BD, and about some funny situations the two get into at night. The first adventure takes place due to boredom and the wives being away, because honestly, why would a vampire be doing anything at night besides getting freaky with his/her partner unless said partner was otherwise unavailable?

SO I've got the first chapter written, and will put it up as soon as I get some more answers on my poll. Only thing is it will take a lot more time to update than this story. It will definately NOT be everyday. But that's because my story-writting is more real. I try to base it upon SM's writing style, with lots of details and thought process put into everything, so everything takes awhile. And what I mean by that is I could say in one sentence: The boy played a game of baseball with his friends; or I could write three pages about it.

Socchyeah.

Let me know what you think of the title in your review!

**ALSO: How does the whole Beta thing work? I'm not sure I understand that. Can someone explain to me please?**


	59. Superpowerz

**Okay, so in today's chapter I only wrote the chart for who's speaking for the first note. I made sure to make it pretty clear from then on (i.e. Hi Bella, Hi _Jasper_)**

**There's a lot of little parts making fun of BD in here. For instance, the whole "Jasper looks hungry" Is from JAcob's book, when he refers to Emmett and Jasper as 'the big one' and 'the hungry looking one'**

* * *

(Jacob, _**Jasper, **_**Rosalie**_ Bella_)

* * *

Why hello Jasperrr.

_**What's with the extra 'r's?**_

Well, you see, it's like I'm being all friendly, right? With the 'hello' an' all, but then of course, I really don't like you, so that's where the 'r's come in. I'm growlin atcha.

_**Erm…okay….**_

Hey, you're not hungry are you?

_**What? No. I just hunted like yesterday or something. I can't remember. I'm going a bit senile, on account of me being like a gazillion years old.**_

Are you sure your tummy's not rumbling? Because you sure look hungry.

_**I assure you, Jacob, I am not the least bit hungry.**_

Huh.

_**What?**_

Well, I've always noticed that you just sort of look hungry all the time. You should probably work on that.

_**What, am I too thin?**_

No…that's not it.

_**I don't look anorexic?**_

More like tanorexic. Stupid pale vampires. Seriously. Get. A. Tan.

_**Woah, channeling a bit of Rosalie there, Jacob. Better watch out.**_

Or what?

**Did somebody say my name?**

_**Or that.**_

Er, no, Rosalie, no one said your name. Jasperrr might have written it, though…

**Ha! I knew it.**

How?

_**It's Rosalie's vampire power. She can sense when people are talking about her. **_

**It's pretty convenient, actually. It allows me to join the conversation in time to bask in their praise.**

That's a sucky power.

**Hey, at least I have one at all! Unlike SOME people. Coughwerewolvescough**

Hey, I have a power.

_**You do?**_

**Enlighten us.**

I can change into a wolf!

**More like you can change into a human, dog.**

What?

**Well, I was under the impression that you have the ability to change from a stupid, mute mutt into an annoying, talkative human. Or rather, an annoying, talkative, UGLY human.**

_**Oooooh, she TOLD you! Would you like some Cullen for that burn?**_

Uh…what?

_**You know…cuz we're cold…like ice…Never mind. Forget it.**_

Can do.

**So it's agreed then. Jacob has no power.**

Yes I do!

**Uh, NO, you don't****!**

Yes I do! And my power owns your power!

**Yeah? Well my power pwns yours!**

_**Hey hey hey hey hey! I think it's quite clear whose power is more bomb-diggity.**_

**I'****m going to ignore that horribly out-dated slang.**

Whose, Jasperrr?

_**Mine, of course! I mean, I'm practically a superhero!**_

_Did someone say 'superhero'?_

Yeah, Jasperrr did.

**Uh oh, Bella, please please pleaaase try to refrain…**

_**Prepare yourself for the onslaught, Jacob.**_

Huh?

_I'TS SUPERBELLA TO THE RESCUE!!_

_Hello, Innocent-bystanders-about-to-be-crushed-by-some-giant-pieces-of-falling-building. How fare you this fine morning?_

Wow. I get it. I take it this whole 'Oh, Bella's so amazing just because she fended off the Volturi and saved us from impending doom' thing has gone to her head a little bit…

**Pshyeah. You guessed right, mutt.**

_I have read the above conversation, and have come to the conclusion that MY superhero powers are the best._

Whatever you say, Bells. (Guys, just back…away…slowly…)

**You know what? Jacob's right. I'm outie.**

_**Ditto.**_

Peace out.

_Ah! I'm caught in a note of bad slang! Help! Somebody save me!_

_Hey, wait, I'm a superhero. Can't I just save myself? Hm…I'm not sure. I'll just have to ask God._

_GOOOOODDDD!!..._

…

_Or I could just yell…_

_Hm, I should start a new piece of paper; this one's getting a bit messy…not to mention confusing._

_

* * *

__God! Hi. You answered my summons!_

Erm, Bella, what a pleasant surprise…but, please, just call me Carisle.

_So I was wondering._

Always curious.

_If I'm a superhero, and I need help, can I save myself?_

_God?_

_Carlisle?_

_Helllllloooo?_

_Edward? (Damnit, Bella, stop writing their names and actually say them out loud! Stop being such an artard!)_

* * *

**Hello, Bella, love. How can I assist you this beautiful day?**

_Well, it's God-I mean, Carlisle…_

**Yes?**

_Can a vampire go into shock?_

**Love, we've been over this. Isle Esme. Honeymoon. Remember?**

_Seriously, everyone needs to stop talking like Rose. Use full sentences. It's really not that difficult._

**Did someone say my name?**

_No! Go away!_

_Anywayz, yes, Fedward, I do remember our wonderful honeymoon, especially that part._

**So then…yes, a vampire CAN go into shock. What happened? What did you say to him?**

_Well, I asked him if I were a superhero, and I was in trouble, could I save myself?_

_Fedward?_

_Eddykinz?_

_Eddypoo?_

_Why do all these vampires keep freezing on me?!_

_Okay, Bella. Chill out. Think. Call Esme. Okay. (and speak in full sentences. We don't want you-know-who coming here again and raping the note. Actually, we don't want her here at all. So…start a new one? Good idea.)_

* * *

_Esme?_

_Yes dear?_

_Can a vampire go into shock?...Rather, what can make a vampire go into shock?_

_Well, a few things can do that, actually._

_Like what?_

_Well, life-changing, shocking emotions, life-altering situations, moments of fear or tension…intense conundrums…_

_Wait, what was that last one? Conundrums? Like…questions?_

_Yes, exactly. But even more so, paradoxes._

_Paradoxes?_

_Yes._

_So like…if I asked you: If I were a superhero, and I needed saving, could I save myself? Would you freeze up?_

_Esme?_

_Eeeeesme?_

_Oh._

_Damnit!_

* * *

**So, how do I get a betareader for my new story, CAJEN? I'd like to ask someone I know, so if any of you are betareaders, let me know if you'd like to work with me. Or whatever, I'm stil not quite sure if I get the whole deal.**

**If you'd like to continue putting things in your review, you will get a mention in tomorrow's chapter. Today, I want you to let me know if you like MovieJasper's fluffy hair, or if you think it's stupid.  
**


	60. misteaken identitee

Two chapters in one day! Who da man? Well..Edward Cullen da man. I da woman. Anyhooz. I'm back to having a few written at a time, and I couldn't resist putting anohter one up!

**Still looking for betas! Just pm me if you wanna beta CAJEN. I'd like you to have some story-writing experience, though.**

P.S. I'm a big Canes fan. No offense meant to my mortal enemies, the Gators/FSU fans. You know, the only reason Florida State University has the 'state' part in there is because otherwise the acronym would be FU.

Enjoy!

* * *

_Bella, **Jasper, ****Edward (edward is not italisiced. computer refuses to accept that fact)**_

* * *

_So you know how I think you're emo?_

_**Bella, I am not emo! We've been over this so many times!**_

_Nonononono, That's not what I mean. So I was thinking the other day about some stuff, and I came to this conclusion:  
'__Jasper is not emo...EDWARD IS!'_

_**What an astute observation.**_

_I know, right?_

_**Hmm.**_

_So I was thinking._

_**It seems you do that often.**_

_You should give Edward therapy._

_**Sounds intriguing. I'll set up an appointment for him at noon tomorrow. Make sure he's there on time, because I charge one hundred dollars a second in late fees.**_

_Yay! Don't worry, he'll be there, because tomorrow were--_

_**Seriously, Bella, I'm trying to watch the game.**_

_Who's winning?_

_**The Canes.**_

_Aw yeah! The U!_

_**No, Bella, that's not a good thing. The Cullens are Gators fans.**_

_What! How come I was not informed of this?_

_**Perhaps because you take no interest in sports whatsoever?**_

_But I hate the Gators!_

_**No you don't, Bella.**_

_Well, I do now! Go Canes!_

_**Honestly, Bella, you're utterly absurd.**_

_Wooooooah, what did you say?_

_**...I said you're utterly absurd?**_

_Zafrina! Stop confusing me! Please keep people their normal selves, please!_

_**You know she can't hear you.**_

_Yes, but by writing it down I can remember to tell her later, Edward._

_**What? No no, Bella, I'm Jasper.**_

_Why must you continue to go along with this charade? I know the truth, Fedward._

_**Bella! It's Jasper, not Edward!**_

_Suuuuuuure._

_**Oh, GOD, Bella, please stop feeling that. I'M NOT EDWARD, I SWEAR!**_

_Ah, silly Edward. Come, let's go to our cottage._

_**No! Bella! Stop pulling on me! I'm Jasper, I swear it!**_

_Oh, I didn't know you were into role playing, Eddy. Okay then, if you wanna be Jasper, then I'll be Alice._

_**Stop!! I will not go with you to the cottage! I'm not Edward! I do not want to do those kinds of things with you!**_

_Well, mister, if I'm Alice, then I'm going to tell you that I had a vision that we're going to do those things whether you like it or not._

_**Let go of my foot, Bella.**_

_Hey hey, now, I'm Alice, remember?_

_**Stop dragging me! You're getting dirt in my amazing golden fluffiness!**_

_Aw, Jasper, you're getting that shirt all muddy. Why don't we take it off?_

_**Noooooooo!!**_

**Hello, Bella. Evening, Jasper. Erm...Bella, I couldn't help but notice you were dragging Jasper through the dirt, and I was wondering exactly why.**

_Edward?_

**Yes?**

_But...but..._

_**Edward, for the love of God, PLEASE, make her let GO!**_

**Erm, Bella, love, would you please let Jasper go? You're getting dirt in his amazing, leonine, golden, fluffy hair.**

_Come on, babe why don't we paint the town..._

**What?**

_And all that Jazz!_

_**I am never talking to you again, Bella! **_

**Did he seriously just run away? What else did you do to him?**

_Haha, he still runs like a girl._

**May I ask why you were dragging him through the dirt to our cottage?**

_Yes you may._

**Bella.**

_Well, you see, I thought he was you, only you wanted to role play, so I was being Alice, and-_

**That's utterly absurd.**

_STOP SAYING THAT! _

**What?**

_You know what, Mister I'm Going to Mess With Bella's Head for No Apparent Reason? NO SEX FOR YOU TONIGHT!_

**I hate Jasper.**

* * *

So a conversation my friends and I had during my free period today: (refering to my gay husband, bradley, who is known by all my friends even though Brad has no idea who they are)

"Bradley Loiderman is a Sex God."  
"If Brad were a rockstar, his name would be Sexy Sexbourne."  
"If Brad were a bald cleaning detergent mascot, his name would be Mr. Sex."  
"Who died? Our Aquita. Avita."  
"Objects in motion tend to stay in motion unless acted upson by an outside force." (we had a physics test)

and then I heard to random voices:

"Let's kill some babies!"  
"Yeah, let's do it!"


	61. ink blots

I've had a couple of offers of people who want to beta for me, and I've come to this conclusion: I will put up the first chapter and ask then for betas. It might help people to see my work first before they decide they want to beta or whatever.

* * *

_**(Jasper,**__ Bella)_

* * *

_**Edward is seriously messed up.**_

_I told you so, didn't I?_

_**I recommend twice daily appointments with me, with an extra appointment every Monday.**_

_Why Mondays?_

_**Emo people tend to be even more moody on Mondays.**_

_So how did your session go?_

_**Not very well. He wouldn't talk to me at all, and when I tried to get him to do inkblots with me, he literally went a little crazy, I think. About five minutes into our session, he started writing stuff down. I had thought it was just doodling, but when I confiscated his papers, I found this:**_

* * *

**A Poem  
By Edward Cullen**

**Ink blots of brothers**

**Repeatedly blind these old eyes,**

**Solemnly stabbing at them,  
Pending the moment they should crumble.  
Unyieldingly do I sit,  
Neurotically blinking my eyelids; for the ink blots do not fade but simply  
Keep returning to hinder my sight.  
**

**Running away will not do:  
A coward I am not.  
No way to escape this Hell I am in.  
Since the Dawn of Time there has been known no pain that could  
Overtop mine.  
Mercy!**

* * *

_That's deeply upsetting._

_**I agree. Ergo, I believe he needs to be in therapy two times a day, everyday.**_

_Alright, Jasper. I'm so glad you're here to help us with this._

_**You're welcome. Oh, and if you ever need marriage counseling, I also offer that as a service.**_

_Are you insinuating that there is something wrong with my marriage?_

_**Well, Bella, I mean...well...a bit...**_

_ExCUSE me? How?_

_**Well, honestly Bella. Think about it for a minute. Your method of communication depends entirely on the writing of notes. That's a bit unhealthy.**_

_Our marriage is perfectly fine, thank you!_

_**You know, Bella, De Nile is not just a river in Egypt.**_

_You bitch!_

_Eh. I'm busting chops this week._

_I'll say._

_Sochyeah._

* * *

Yeah, that last line was a nod to Paigeisavampire, and her story Notes From the Cullen Coven. It's really good; go read nao!

**EXTREMELY IMPORTANT! Okay, well not really, but that caught your attention, didn't it? Yeah, obviously, if you're still reading. Anyhooz, onto the point. _Can you guess what type of poem Edward wrote_? If so, then tell me the secret of the poem. You can't guess the secret surprise unless you've figured out what type of poem it is. And once you do figure it out, you'll be positive. So no guessing.**

I've given up on the review experiment. Here are the results:  
On the chapter I first asked people to put something in their review, i got an unusual amount of reviews. The second time, I got the most reviews for one chapter out of all my chapters. Whcih was good. Except that since then, my reviews have dwindled with each chapter. :-(

So anyway, I'm done with that.


	62. CAJEN? CAJEN!

**_Alice, what did you see?_**

Ooh, many fun things, my dear Rosalie. Silk, chiffon, lace, leather...and...woah, boredom?

**_Boredom? What? We're going to be bored?_**

No, we're going to Paris to shop; there's no possible way that could ever be boring. Trust me, Rose. You will _not_ be bored this weekend. Jasper and Emmett, however...

**_Jasper and Emmett will be bored? Ah. I see. Well, life without me IS pretty boring. I don't see how the rest of the world can stand it..._**

"That which we call a Rose-"

**_Don't you dare start. What else about this weekend?_**

Well, we will have a fabulously awesome time. As for our unfortunate husbands..

**_Stop with the dot-dot-dot's! Out with it already!_**

They will be relieving their boredom in a pretty UNconventional way.

**_Ew, Alice. They'll be THAT sexually deprived?_**

Ugh, you have such a dirty mind. No. I meant more of an adventure-type situation.

**_Ooh, sounds intruiging._**

Indeed.

* * *

_The Crazy Adventures of Jasper and Emmett at Night_ is up and running! I had a great time writing the first chapter, and hope you'll have as much fun reading it. Go check it out! Here's the adress: (remember, you can't post links on ff.n so dont copy and paste, obviously)

**fanfiction** (dot)** net/s/4596419/1/**

Enjoy!


	63. Canada, eh?

Go check out The Crazy Adventures of Jasper and Emmett at Night! Seriously, now! Or else Mike Newton will fall in love with you and stalk you for all eternity.

* * *

**(Edward**, _Bella)_

* * *

**So I was thinking. For our first honeymoon we should go to Canada and ride the Niagra Falls. Good plan, eh?**

_Ew. Canada? _

**Yes! ...eh.**

_But...why Canada?_

**Ah, the outdoors, the fresh air, the scent emanating from the trees, a hint of maple...I couldn't think of a better place to be. Eh?**

_You're shitting me, right?_

**No?**

_Canada?_

**Jasper suggested it.**

_How could you inflict such torture on me! I can come up with only one conclusion from this decision of yours. _

**And what's that, eh?**

_You don't love me!_

**What? How could you say such a thing!**

_You want to take me to Canada! Of course you don't love me!_

**I'm not sure I understand, love.**

_There is nothing to do in Canada except watch the grass grow. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot! There is no freaking grass in Canada, because it's always freaking winter up there!  
So what are we to do? I know! We'll play FREAKING HOCKEY! On our honeymoon!_

**Oh that reminds me; there's a game on right now, eh. Could we possibly continue this conversation at a later time?**

_That's it. No sex for you tonight, tomorrow night, or the rest of THE WEEK._

**I really, REALLY hate Jasper.**

* * *

Jasper bashing equals life.


	64. Jesus!

Still looking for Beta Readers for **The Crazy Adventures of Jasper and Emmett at Night.**

* * *

_**Mommy!**_

_Ah, Renesmee. Why, Hello, my beautiful little Prius. How are you today? You look a bit tired. I bet you don't have many miles left on this tank of gas. You should probably fill up soon, sweetie._

_**But I'm not ready to go to bed yet.**_

_Are you hungry? I could fix you something to eat. Or we could go hunting._

_**No, I'm fine. Not hungry yet. Maybe we'll hunt tomorrow. I'll just sit here with you and the cat and maybe watch some television.**_

_No! Don't eat killer!_

_**I'm not…?**_

_Renesmee, you must have some control! Killer is your pet, and you cant just eat her if you're hungry! Come on, I'll make you a sandwhich._

_**Ugh, please don't. Those things are disgusting.**_

_I know, right? I can't believe I used to enjoy eating them. Nasty little things._

_**So I'm fine. You don't have to make me any disgusting sandwiches.**_

_DON'T EAT THE CAT!_

_**I WONT! Jeez, Mom. Get a grip.**_

_Don't you talk to your mother that way! That Jacob has no manners. I knew he would be a bad influence on you._

_**He is so not a bad influence! Jacob is perfect! His manners are perfect, his language is perfect, his face is perfect, his body is perfect, his chest….oh my god mom, his chest.**_

_Mmmm. I agreeeeee. Jacob is delish._

**_He is hott._**

_Pun intended._

_**Hey, look Mom, Demetri is on the TV.**_

_What?!_

_**Yeah, he's on TV. He's dating some woman.**_

_OH MY GOD! Come here!_

_**Who are you talking to?**_

_God!_

_**Oh, you mean Carlisle?**_

_Yeah. He should see this. It's disgusting!_

_**Yeah, her poor kids. They know, but she doesn't, and they can't tell her…**_

_Wait…what?_

_**They can't tell her that Demetri's a vampire.**_

_Then how are they reporting this on the news?_

_**What?**_

_How is it that the children can tell the news stations this, but they can't tell their mother? And why hasn't she found out yet? It's on TV, for crying out loud!_

_**Woah. Woah woah woah woah woah. What?**_

_It's preposterous! And where is God? GOD! COME HERE!_

_**He can't here you. YOU'RE NOT TALKING. Jesus Christ, I'm the only one who remembers this!**_

_Ah yes, Jesus. He was a good friend of Carlisle's. They were drinking buddies._

_**Oh, I get it. As in, Carlisle drank his blood?**_

_Blood? Oh, no, no no no no no. Jesus is a vampire._

_**No!**_

_Yes, it's true! I didn't believe it either at first._

_**That really changes my whole perspective on things.**_

_Mmhmm. That's why Carlisle is so devoted to his faith._

_**Stupid.**_

_Yeah. I mean, hello! There's this thing, and it's called 'lying', and I'm preeeeetty sure it was invented before Carlisle was born._

_**He needs to get a life.**_

_I know. But if there was a way to do that, Rosalie would have figured it out long ago, sweetie._

_**You know, Mom, I'm actually pretty tired. I feel like I'm running on empty.**_

_Alright, then. Let's go!_

_**What? Go where? We're home.**_

_To the gas station, of course!_

* * *

I love my little Prius! Did anyone catch the Presidential debate last night? Apparently my mom voted early for Obama. She's an independent, and she literally had no idea who she wanted. She disliked both candidates. But she ended up voting Democrat all the way down the line, b/c she thinks if McCandyCane gets into office and the 88 year old supreme court justice retires, McCandyCAne will pick a Republican justice and all the important rulings will be overturned. But she thinks Obama is really smart. She said (direct quote): "It would be nice to have someone intelligent in the White House."

Sochyeah.

McCandyCane. Teehee.


	65. Subject: A Matter of Extreme Urgency

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: Aro.Volturi_

_From: B.Cullen_

Aro-

I would like to inform you that a member of your guard, a certain Mr. Demetri, has been openly disobeying the Vampire Rules. He has been flaunting his vampire-ism to a human woman, and her kids are aware of the fact. They have informed some news stations, and apparently the story has been playing all over the television.

Of course, I could care less if you kill him. But I am deeply affronted, not to mention offended, that he has not yet been apprehended. On that note, I would like you to send my family a formal apology for causing so much trouble last winter. You accused us of possibly revealing the vampiric secret, yet you allow Demetri to go cavorting around dating random females and being put on TV? That is wholly unacceptable, and if we do not receive an apology soon you can be assured that I will talk to Carlisle and he WILL send a strongly worded letter. I sincerely hope it will not come to that.

I thank you for reading this and urge you to do the right thing.

B.Cullen

* * *

**duuuudes. I am sooo sorry I didn't update yesterday. I thought I did, and then when I went on my computer today I looked online and realized i didn't...Sochyeah. Here we are. Njoy.**


	66. Re: A Matter of Extreme Urgency

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: B.Cullen  
From: Aro.Volturi_

Isabella –

You will have God send me a strongly worded letter? Is that a _threat_?

- Aro.


	67. Re: Re: A Matter of Extreme Urgency

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: Aro.Volturi  
From: B.Cullen_

Yes, Aro. You bet your ass it's a threat.

- B.Cullen


	68. Re: Re: Re: A Matter of Extreme Urgency

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: B.Cullen  
From: Aro.Volturi_

YOU BET YOUR ASS TO...

LA VIE BOHEME!


	69. Re: Re: Re: Re: A Matter of Extreme Urge

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: Aro.Volturi  
From: B.Cullen_

Aro-

Seriously. Back on topic.  
I want an apology. Now.

- B.Cullen

_P.S. Remebmer: The wrath of God hangs over your head._

* * *

**Dun dun dun!**

**We.Cloned.Edward.Cullen is now the official Dun-dun-dunner.**


	70. Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Matter of Extreme

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: B.Cullen  
From: Aro.Volturi_

Isabella –

I've done some research and have come up with this conclusion: The "news story" you were watching on the television was, in fact, a movie often played on Disney Channel around Halloween entitled: Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire.

But I thank you for your concern with trying to be a good citizen of the vampire community.

And, no, I will not apologize.

- Aro.

_P.S. You're stupid. Seriously. Did you even attend highschool at all?_


	71. Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Matter of Extr

l reply l l forward l l delete l l keep as new l

_To: Aro.Volturi  
From: B.Cullen_

Aro-

You are so mean and hurtful! Duck you, you ducking duck ducker!

- B.Cullen

_P.S. If you put one more toe out of line, mister, I WILL have Carlisle send that letter._

* * *


	72. flier

**Are you:**

**DEPRESSED? ADDICTED? IN DENIAL? HAVING ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES? EMO? MYTHICAL?**

**If you are one or more of these things, **_**then Dr. Jasper Whitlock-Hale Cullen**_** is the therapist for you!**

**Specialties: Vampires, werewolves, other various half-breeds**

**Location: Forks, Washington**

**Call between the hours of 12AM and 12PM. (If you don't know the number than don't call) **

* * *

CAUTION: Dr. Cullen is not liable for any injuries sustained during appointment times by non-mythical creatures. Non-mythical creatures should bring precautions against vampires and should not expose any injuries or blood in the presence of Dr. Cullen or his associates. Non-mythical creatures should take into serious thought the possibility of death occuring should they schedule an appointment with Dr. Cullen. Scheduling an appointment with Dr. Cullen is not recommended to anyone of a non-mythical persuasion. We're not kidding. Stay away. Seriously, he's a vampire. Be smart.


	73. chest hair?

_(Bella, _**Renesmee, Edward)**_Errrrgh!_

* * *

**Que pasa, mama?**

_I don't understand that._

**Quel est le probleme?**

…_Or that._

**Co je spatne?**

_Or that._

**Kas negerai?**

_What? Seriously, wtf?_

**Hey, watch your language in front of our child.**

_Chill, dude. It was an acronym._

**But she understands that!**

_No, she doesn't, obviously. She's a child._

**A child who's smarter than most adults.**

_And speaking of understanding, what's with our daughter spouting Chinese and whatnot?_

**Not Chinese. Spanish, French, Czech, and Lithuanian. We're starting with languages that use phonetics. **

_You're teaching our daughter four different languages? _

**To start. And, actually, she now knows six languages.**

_What's the sixth?_

**Sign language. She really comprehends so much! She gobbles up such huge amounts of knowledge…**

_Oh, and speaking of comprehension, I want everyone to stop speaking in other languages to me._

**Why, momma?**

_Because I don't understand them!_

**So learn.**

_No!_

**And why not? **

_Because English is the most important language on Earth. Everyone should speak English, and I should never have to demean myself by speaking another language. I shouldn't have to be inconvenienced by the limits of speech. Everyone should just learn English._

**That's stupid.**

…**To put it diplomatically, that's a bit narrow-minded, Bella.**

_Whatever. What was she saying to me before?_

**She was asking what the problem was, or rather, what was bothering you.**

**So what was bothering you, Momma?**

_Jacob!_

**That's a subject I can sympathize with. I'm an expert at being annoyed by Jacob.**

**Be nice, you two.**

_Now she sounds like the parent._

**Don't change the subject. What did Jacob do this time?**

_It's his stupid clothing!_

**Don't let Alice hear you say that. She still picks out their clothes, you know. Personally, I think that's a bit juvenile. I stopped letting my mother pick out my clothes when I was two hours old.**

**Your mother was being turned into a vampire when you were two hours old, Renesmee.**

**Oh, you get the point.**

**So what about his clothes?**

_You mean his lack of clothes._

**Does his being half-naked bother you?**

_Oh, stop quoting him._

**I agree, Bella, love. It is rather annoying to have to stare at his scrawny, puny, weak chest all day. You know he still doesn't have any chest hair?**

**Thank god.**

**Yeah, that WOULD be rather disgusting.**

_No, it would just obstruct the view._

**What? What view?**

_The view of his chest!_

**I'm sorry?**

**His gorgeously fabulous, muscley chest…**

**I do not need to be hearing this.**

_(Reading this, Ed.)_

**So, Bella, I'm still a little confused. Why would it bother you that he doesn't wear clothes if you (gag) enjoy looking at his chest?**

_It's distracting! Have you SEEEEEN how gorgeous he is?_

**Mmmm. The other day I had to restrain myself from jumping on top of him and licking him all over.**

_Omigah, saaaaaame!_

**This is just too much. I'm leaving.**

**So, yeah. What's the problem with it again?**

_It's distracting! Why can't he just wear a freaking shirt?_

**He's too hot for his shirt.**

_I believe the line is, he's too SEXY for his shirt._

**No, I mean too hot. Literally. **

_What?_

**One time, I saw him put on a shirt, and it literally burst into flames.**

_Wow._

**Yeah.**

_-swoon-_


	74. Aro from the hizzood

**So I know there haven't been as many authors notes in a long while. I just really havent had anything to say...**

**Speaking of which (jk this is totally unrelated), has anyone seen the horrendous pic of Spunk Ransom all wolf-ified on twilighters dot org? It's so hebetudinously aweful that it makes me want to find Jasper and force him to cheer me up.**

**Of course, I'd want to do that anyway ;-)**

* * *

Jacob, _Bella, Carlisle_

* * *

So, Bella, how's your life been?

_Pretty good, pretty good._

And...

_What?_

Well common courtesy would dictate that you should then ask me how my life has been.

_How has your life been?_

Ugh, so much stuff is going on! Like yesterday, when I-

_Bored._

You're so inconsiderate!

_Am not!_

Do you even care about the wolf packs at all?

_Yes!_

Ha. Sure. Bet you don't.

_I do!_

Do not.

_Do too!_

Prove it!

_How?_

Name all the wolves.

_Easy. There's you, Sam Uley, Embry Call, Seth Clearwater, Leah tGD Clearwater, -_

Wait, Leah tGD Clearwater?

_Yeah._

tGD?

_The Genetic Defect,_

Ah. I see. Continue, please.

_Okay. Um...there's Quil Ateara, and Jared...Paul...uh...some dude with a C...a bunch of unidentified others...?_

Ha! That proves it. You don't care about us. You don't even know Jared and Paul's last names!

_Yes I do too know their names! They're...uh...Jared...and Paul...and...uh..._

Mmhmm.

_Damn._

Told ya.

_Guess you did, at that. So what are they?_

What are what?

_Their last names?_

Uh...

_Uh? You don't know either?_

Huh, now that I think about it, no, I don't.

_Do...do they even HAVE last names?_

I...I don't know!

_Oh my GOOOOD! They don't have last names!_

Hahahahah! I wonder what it says on their birth certificates. "Jared" "Paul"...that's it!

_Thank you, Captain Obvious._

_Did someone call my name?_

Carlisle? What are you doing here? And woah, your name is Captain Obvious too?

_Ugh, wow, C. Only like four hours ago. What took you so long? And no, Jacob, he's God. Duh._

Hey, C Dog, did you know Jared and Paul don't have last names?

_Puh-lease. You think that's bad? The rest of the pack doesn't even have first names! _

Ha, that's true.

_And by the way, I really think Quil is a stupid name. I don't care if he and Embry gang up on me, I'll still say it._

_You think 'Quil' is bad? The Volturi's names are worse!_

True dat, true dat.

_Can you imagine Aro on the street?_

He's be all, "Yo, homeskillet, I be A-to-the-R-to-the-O from the hizz-ood. I comes from V-to-the-ol-to-the-terra, biiyotch, and if you mess with me ima f you up, ya dig?"

_Wow. Um, seriously. Never make me picture that again._

_That truly was disturbing. I'm going to go wash out my eyeballs in a wasted attempt to burn that mental image from my retinas. If you hear me starting up the flamethrower, do not be alarmed._

Wow. You guys really are melodramatic. I mean, come on. Can't you just say that you were disturbed? Is it really necessary to go through the trouble to write all that? I mean, come on. It's totally not. It's stupid. You guys should really just chill out.  
Bella?  
Helloooooo?

_I'm sorry. What were we talking about?_

You don't remember?

_No, I was too busy staring at your chest._

Bella, you really need to get over me. I'm going to be doing your daughter in 6 or 7 years. You need to make sure that by that time your fellings for me have completely evaporated, or you'll have a very jelous daughter on your hands.

_Psssh, what feelings for you? Egocentrical much? Naw, I was just admiring._

Oh. Ok then, feel free.

_Do me a favor?_

Depends.

_Get up, walk to the other end of the room, throw a smoldering glance over your shoulder, and strut back to me._

How was that?

_Mmm, nice, nice._

* * *

**If you review, you get 1 whole day alone with Emmett with which to talk him into the most amazing prank ever...the plan of which, of course, just so happens to involve him having a serious make-out session with you alone on a tempurpedic bed.**

**Or, of course, you could just use that one whole day to rape him. Either one.**

**And PS, that is not me saying I condone rape. Only vampire rape. Or werewolf rape, should you be so inclined.**


	75. eggs

**Bella, love, what's the matter? Why so sullen?**

_Why so serious? -cackles-_

**Bella.**

_Jacob's mad at me._

**Really? Well that's not hard to imagine. Why?**

_Well, it's related to an incident that happened earlier in the day..._

**Mmhmm...pray tell.**

_So I decided that Renesmee should start eating more human food, -_

**Woah, random much?**

_It connects. Just wait. So I decided she should eat more human food, so for breakfast this morning I sat her down in the kitchen and proceeded to make her eggs._

**Ohhh, I see how this would make Jacob sooo mad at you, Bellllla**

_Stop being so sarcastic and impatient. I'm getting there. _

**Sorry.**

_Apology accepted._ _So, anyways, I was gonna make her eggs, when I realized I had forgotten how to cook. –is ashamed-_

**Ha! That's hilarious.**

_Shut up. You're sounding a lot like Emmett. Wait a second... –studies you suspiciously-_

**Don't worry, love, I assure you I'm Edward.**

_Mmmkay. SOOOO, I had forgotten how to cook. I would have asked Jacob to make them, but he was busy sleeping on the floor, snoring like he was dying. You know him. _

**He is a ridiculous snorer, I will say.**

_But I knew that you needed heat...I just couldn't figure out the stove._

**Oh, ok, that's alright. So that wasn't a complete epic fail.**

_No, it wasn't. I contemplated building a fire...but I don't know how to build a campfire and Carlisle was busy burning his eyes with the flamethrower._

**So where did you cook the eggs?**

_I'm getting there! So you know how Jacob is so hot, right?_

**_-_rolls eyes- Yes, Bella, I believe I was there that one day when you and our daughter went on about that fact in length.**

_Noooo, I meant like physically._

**Oh, ok. Sure. So where did you cook the eggs?**

_On Jacob._

**Hahahahahahh! **

_Get it out of your system._

**HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!**

**HAHAHAHAHAH!**

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!**

**HAHAHAHA!**

_You done?_

**Yes quite. Did it work though?**

_Funnily enough...it did!_

**Haha! I can imagine the look on his face when he woke up!**

_Yeah, he woke up while Renesmee was in the middle of eating..._

**I take it you didn't bother with a plate?**

_No. Human customs are so stupid. It's so much more convenient just to eat with your hands, in the pan you cooked your food in._

**Or in this case...Jacob.**

_Exactly._


	76. senile dementia

**Edward,**_Bella, _**Emmett**

* * *

_I love you Edward Cullen._

**And I love you, Bella Swan.**

_Ah-hem._

**I mean...Isabella Cullen.**

_Thank you. _

**It just sounds so unnatural to say.**

_Seriously. I agree. But I love you anywayz._

**Diiiitto.**

**This is wrong, Edward. She's not one of us.**

**Well exCUSE me! When did I ever say you could have a say in my love life?**

_Yeah, seriously, Emmett, stop being such a Debbie Downer._

**Hmm. Why does that line sound farmiliar?**

_What line?_

"**This is wrong, Edward. She's not one of us."**

_Hmm...I don't know...but you're right, it DOES sound familiar. _

**Oh! I know where I've heard that before. It's from-**

_Don't say it Edward!_

**What? Why not? I was merely going to say it's from-**

**Edward! Don't! Restrain yourself! Use that preeminent self-control!**

_Yes Edward! Don't say it!_

**But why not?**

_Because we're not supposed to know about it!_

**About what?**

**We're not supposed to know about the thing that you were about to say that line just came from and the people who said those lines and such other things related to that same situation. Ya digg?**

**No, I don't believe I do 'digg'.**

_Just...Don't say it Edward._

**Say what?**

_What you were talking about!_

**What were we talking about?**

_Omigosh can you seriously not remember?_

**Bella, it's no wonder he's going senile. He's over a hundred years old.**

**I am not senile!**

_Edward. Do you remember who I am? I am your wiiiiiiiiiife. My nammmmme is Belllllla. _

**Stop it! I'm not senile!**

**Ah, denial. The first stage of going senile. See, they rhyme!**

**What the hell are you talking about, Emmett?**

_Emmett, it's getting worse by the second! Should we call upon the gods?_

**Bella, there's nothing Carlisle can do about this. It's an un-fixable disease.**

**Actually, Emmett, it's not a disease precisely. You see, when I was in medical school-**

**Ah, and here he goes thinking he went to medical school. Poor Edward. **

_Maybe we should lock him up._

**That might be for the best.**

**I'm not senile, you annoying shrews!**

_And now he thinks we're shrews. Poor Edward._

**Poor, poor Edward.**

**Yes. Poor Edward indeed.**

**He can't even remember that he's Edward! Oh, woe is us!**

**Are you kidding? Woe is me!**

_Stop talking like that, Edward! We're not in Shakespearian times anymore!_

**Bel****la, I never lived in Shakespearian times. That was Carlisle. **

**He can't remember that Carlisle is God!**

**What is wrong with you people? Carlisle is not God! Get over yourselves!**

_He thinks we're people? Edward, no! We're vampires, not people!_

**Oh Lord almighty! Please save me from this hardship!**

_Edward, there's nothing Carlisle can do to help you now._

**Well, that's not completely true.**

**How so?**

**He can lend me his flamethrower so I can put myself out of my misery.**

_Poor, poor Edward. Carlilse would never lend you his flamethrower! He's too busy burning the horrible image of gangsta Aro out of his retinas! _

**Just my luck. I hate Jacob. Really, everything bad around here can always be traced back to Jacob.**

_True dat._

**So does that mean we can go blame Jacob?**

_Yes! _

**Dibs on making him cry!**


	77. Spice up your life

Bella?

_Yes, Alice?_

What is it that you're wearing?

_Oh, you like my outfit? Thanks. Rosalie bought a whole bunch of stuff for me._

ERm...I'm not exactly sure that 'like' is the best word...

_Oh, you love it? Oh thank you Alice! You don't know how much of a compliment that is, coming from you!_

You're...welcome?

_Yay!_

Ok, so wait. What kind of shoes are those exactly?

_They're Sketchers._

Well, duh, any doofus could see that. What kind of Sketchers are they, though, exactly?

_They're Spice Girls Sketchers!_

WHAT?

_I know! Rosalie says she's lucky she found them, they don't make them anymore._

Okay, so you're happy because Rosalie bought you a pair of pink, platform Spice Girls sneakers?

_Yep!_

Oh god.

_And look! A matching wallet!_

Joy.

_And, oh, did you see my pants?_

PLEASE don't tell me that's real leather.

_Yehuh. Blue leather! I can't believe Rose found blue leather pants! And look, there're zippers on the side, in case I need to get them off in a hurry._

Why would you need to get your pants off in a....Oh. Edward.

_Mmmhmmm. I knew he would enjoy these when we play our little games._

TMI.

_Sorry._

And that...coat?

_Yes, it's a real fur coat. I've never had one of those before! _

_It's fur from an actual cheetah, and the hood is actually the cheetah head, only they took out all the gunky stuff. See?_

I do see. Unfortunately. Hey. Where's your top?

_Rosalie says that with this outfit you're not supposed to wear one._

She does, now, does she?

_Uh huh. And she says not to button the coat, either. It's in the style of old._

Did she say how old?

_Naw. But I'm guessing really old. Even older than Carlisle old._

Older than Carlisle? But he's ancient!

_I know! I was shocked too._

Then she must mean old as in...a couple of hundred years.

_Oh. Well that's not old at all._

Stop pouting, Bella.

_Fine. So, Alice, what do you think of the whole ensemble put together?_

Honest?

_Honest._

Truth?

_Truth._

Well, then, honestly....I love it!

_Really? Oh, I was so afraid you wouldn't!_

No, Bella, it's great! I would love to own my own personal pair of those whore pants...rather, those classy, time-saving pants.

_Well, that's the best part!_

Er...what?

_Rose got anther pair, for you! So we could both wear them together!_

...what?

_She got two pairs! You're pair is neon yellow._

Oh...That's simply wonderful, Bella. Absolutely wonderful.

_I knooooooow right? Oh, oh, put them on now!_

Ugh. How do I look?

_Amazing! That neon/highlighter-ish color really stands out! I bet that even as a human, I could pick you out of a crowd if I were five thousand miles away._

Joy.

_Oh, I'm so excited, aren't you?_

We're the only ones with a pair? Rose didn't get herself some?

_No, unfortunately not._

I really, really HATE Rosalie right now.

_I know what you mean. So that's why I snuck out and got another pair when she was with Emmett last night!_

Really?

_Yep! I figured that red could look absolutely lovely with her hair, and I picked out the unmitigatedly perfect shade!_

Oh, you don't know how happy that little tidbit of information makes me, Bella. You have NO idea.

_Oh, I seriously doubt that. I can't wait for her to come home so we can all wear them together!_

You want me to wear these now? I can't take them off?

_Why in the world would you want to?_

Oh...um...cuz I'm taking Renesmee and Jake hunting, and I don't want any gross dog drool to get on them?

_Oh, ok. Sounds plausible enough. We'll just all wear them later, when Rose gets back. Make sure you're not late! I wouldn't want you to miss this._

Oh believe me, Bella. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

* * *

**Sorry I didn't update yesterday, everybody! I had two big tests to study for and it completely blew my mind. **

**Does everyone remember the Spice Girls platform sketchers? I remember I had a pair. I was an adorable child.**

**Simply adorable.**


	78. Shlong!

_Just to clarify, the quote from chapter 75 that Emmett says is from the trailer to the Twilight Movie. My friends and I think it's ridiculously funny, and my one friend (a guy who's playing Emmett in our twilight parody movie we're making, who hasn't read twilight) had a grey sweatshirt on, and we made him do that over and over and over again._

_He kinda got sick of us after a while. BIt no matter, he's a perfect Emmett! Oh, and I'm playing Edward. This'll be especially perfect, seeing as our Bella is at least six inches taller than me and I'm not quite five feet tall._

_It'll be quite the movie._

* * *

Your hair is rather ridiculous, you know.

**What? It is not!**

Are you kidding me? It so totally is and you know it, Edward.

**You're simply preposterous. My hair is fluffily fantastic, Jacob, and everyone on Earth besides you agrees.**

Well sure, if by everyone on Earth you mean NO one on Earth, then yeah, you're right.

**Shut up, puppy.**

Why don't you MAKE me, LEECH.

**I would if I didn't care how many bones you'd break, mutt.**

Ha! Mutt? Is that reeeeally the best you can do?

**Stray.**

Parasite.

**Bitch.**

Bloodsucker.

**DOG BREATH!**

Hey! That was uncalled for! My breath cleaaarly smells like Doritoes.

**Well you insulted my hair. THAT was uncalled for, lapdog.**

Whatever, VAMPIRE.

**Vampire?**

What, no clever comeback?

**I could say the same to you.**

What?

**You called me a vampire?**

Yeah. What of it?

**Well, I AM a vampire.**

Well, it was the worst insult I could think of.

**Touche. Touche.**

Ha! Looks like I won this round!

**Why are you even here, anyway? If it's just to torture me, you can go right on ahead and leave, assuming that you don't want me to get any of your blood on those shiny new clothes you're wearing.**

Ooh, touchy, touchy. But alas, I do have a purpose here. I'm being very inquisitive today. My curiosity has really been getting the better of me lately.

**Oh, just go ahead and say it so you can leave.**

Well, it's more of a question, really.

**Just go!**

Okay. So. Vampires glitter in the sun, right?

**Yes. **

And your skin is the same all over, right?

**Yes it is. I really don't see the point here.**

I'm getting there. So, we've established that you glitter, and your skin is the same everywhere, so from this data we can conclude that your skin glitters everywhere.

**That's right. You're quite an intelligent dog, I must say. Would you like a pat on the head? Or perhaps a treat?**

Shut up. I have a point to make.

**Continue.**

So....from all that stuff I just said...that would mean....that you glitter evvvverywhere?

**Yes! We just established this!**

Just to get this straight....you glitter EVERYWHERE?

**YES!**

So, your shlong glitters?

**What?!?!**

Or maybe you don't have a shlong. I always thought there was something weird about you Cullen men.

**This is preposterous! Of course I own those male anatomic parts!**

Then answer the question!

**I can't believe you would even ask that. Why are you so interested, anyway?**

Well it just seems a little, I dunno, odd, don't you think?

**What's odd about it?**

Edward, come on! Your shlong GLITTERS!

**Shut up! Why do you care?**

Well, for one thing, myyyyy shlong most certainly does NOT glitter.

**I should hope not.**

And for another, it doesn't strike you as a little bit strange that the most male, the hunkiest, the hottest men on Earth, have the one teensy tiny secret that their male parts glitter?

**No I don't!**

But it's just so gay!

**And what's wrong with that?**

Oh, well, nothing of course. Except that you're not gay.

**And how would you know that? You don't keep tabs on my private life. For all you know, Emmett and I are gay lovers.**

Ha! Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised. But no, Edward, I do know that you're not gay.

**And how would you know that?**

Uh, cuz you're married? To like the hottest, sexiest, most kissable woman on Earth?

**You stay away from my wife, mongrel!**

Hmm, we're getting a bit more creative with the name calling now, I can see. But have no fear, Edward. I won't steal your wife. Not that you'd care, you being gay and all, but I have other, friendlier people to get busy with.

**And who might these people be?**

More like one person, actually.

**And who might this one person be?**

Well, your daughter, of course! I'll be doing her in 6 to 7 years.

**YOU—YOU---YOU....YOU DOG!**

Wow, how articulate! This is clearly evidence that you've been to school so many times. The flawless grammar, the eloquent vocabulary!

**I HATE YOU!**

Oh, go on and cry in a corner.


	79. what?

_**Bella.**_

_Hey, Emmett. What brings you to this neck o' the woods?_

_**Don't play innocent with me. I know you did something to Rosalie.**_

_I did? Who, me? No, you're surely joking. I love Rosalie! She bought me all those beautiful clothes! What cause would I, innocent and humble Bella, have to do something to Rosalie? _

_**She's missing.**_

_Missing? Well that's unlike her, to go missing like that. Have you checked your bathroom? She might just be staring at her reflection in the mirror, like she usually does._

_**I checked. She's not in front of any mirror within a five mile radius.**_

_Hm. Well, have you checked everything else reflective? Maybe she saw herself in her car window and stopped to have a look._

_**Stop toying with me, Bella! I know you did something!**_

_Oh, Emmett, it displeases me that you should think so badly of me! How could I, weak and simple Bella, have done anything so heinous as to make Rosalie disappear? _

_**WHAT DID YOU DO?**_

_Nothing! Tsk, tsk, Emmett. Get a hold on that anger. Maybe you should start therapy with Jasper again, or maybe attend one of his anger management workshops? I know the wolves frequent them a lot, but it would really be worth the smell to have your anger under control._

_**I will ask you one. Last. Time. Where is my wife?**_

_Out of the country._

_**Could you perhaps be more specific?**_

_Yes._

_**WILL you perhaps be more specific?**_

_Oh, alright. She's in Japan._

_**How did you manage to convince her to go to Japan?**_

_Well, not ALL of her is in Japan._

_**What?**_

_Her hand is in Japan._

_**What are you talking about?**_

_Her hand is in Japan. Her left hand, to be percise. Her right hand is in Uraguay. The rest of her is in other places._

_**Other places?**_

_Yes, such as Botswana, Denmark, Venezuela, Canada....and a bunch of other places. I can't really remember which._

_**WHAT? How the hell can she be in all those places at once?**_

_Easy. I dismembered her, boxed up the pieces, and Fed-Exed them across the world._

_**WHAT THE HELL, BELLA! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?**_

_Um, revenge?_

_**Revenge? After all this time? I never knew you could hold a grudge for so long. That's awful, Bella! I can't believe you did this! I would never have expected it of you!**_

_That's not true._

**_What's not true?_**

_You should have expected this of me._

_**And why is that?**_

_Because you think I'm diabolical. You said so yourself. Ergo, you should have expected this._

_**When did I ever say that?!?**_

_When James wanted to eat Edward's snack, and I hatched a plan that I should go meet him in the ballet studio for my dance lessons, and we could eat the snack together later. But then Edward had to burst in and kill poor, innocent Jamesypie_

_**That's not exactly how I remember it happening. As I recall, 'poor little Jamesypie' wanted to eat you.**_

_No, no, no. The whole thing was a big misunderstanding. He wanted a snack. Edward had chocolate in his pocket. He said, "Sniff, sniff. You brought a snack? I love snacks! Can I haz some?" And then Edward got all selfish and yelled, "No! Iz mai snack! You can no haz mai shnackerz!" and then he ran away. _

_**Why are you writing in lolcats?**_

_Cuz lolcats equals awesomesauce. Did you know that 'lawlkatz' is lolcats for 'lolcats'?_

_**What?**_

_Exactly._


	80. nicknamezz

_**Jasper Jasper Jasper!**_

**Yes yes yes?**

_**I haz a nickname for you!**_

**Alright, Emmett. What is this oh–so-glorious nickname that has you so riled up and excited that if you were human you'd have peed your pants by now?**

_**YOU shall from now on be know as  
AWESOME MCAWESOME PANTS.**_

**No.**

_**Yes!**_

**No.**

_**Yes!**_

**Nein.**

_**What?**_

**That's German for no.**

_**Oh. Yes!**_

**NO!**

_**And why not? **_

**Because it's stupid, that's why!**

_**No it isn't!**_

**Why are you being so clingy to me, anyways? You've been practically sitting on my head all week.**

_**Rose is out of the country, remember?**_

**Oh, yeah. Whoops. Sorry. Tough break, man. You really watch out on getting on Bella's bad side, Em.**

_**Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I've just got all this sexual tension!**_

**Woah woah woah woah woah. I do NOT need to be discussing this with you right now. I mean, I already knew that and all, but still. Discussing it with you is just wayyyy too much for me to handle.**

_**Sorry.**_

**Alright, fine.**

_**Fine what?**_

**Wow, you have a short attention span. I wouldn't be surprised if a squirrel has a longer attention span than you. Fine, you can call me AWESOME MCAWESOME PANTS. But only till Rose gets back.**

_**Yay! Ok, now you have to give me a nickname.**_

**Erm, okay. How about....Super Cool Vampire-Dude?**

_**No.**_

**Okay...uh...Large Bear-Fighter Guy?**

_**What is that, my Indian name?**_

**What are you talking about? That's not an Indian name at all.**

_**Fine then. What's a typical Indian name?**_

**Uh, Jacob?**

_**Oh.**_

**You're such an idiot.**

_**Okay, since you're such a bad nickname-giver, I'll just have to make one up myself. Okay....from now on, you have to call me....**_

_**Sexy McSexerstein!**_

**Please, no.**

_**Aw, come on!**_

**No.**

_**Pleaaaase? **_

**NEIN!**

_**Hey, don't go all Nazi on my ass!**_

**I was never a Nazi!**

_**Yes you were! You fought in that war-thingie!**_

**You mean the Civil War?**

_**Yeah! Between the Nazis and the good guys!**_

**Um, Emmett, I think you mean the Confederates.**

_**Yeah! A fight between the Nazis and the Confederates!**_

**Oh Jesus.**

_**Jesus isn't here, Jasper. He's out drinking with Carlisle. They're drinking buddies, remember?**_

**Yes, I do.**

_**Soooooo....**_

**So.**

_**Yeah.**_

**Yeah.**

_**Alright, see you later, AWESOME MCAWESOME PANTS! I'm going to go...over there, I guess.**_

**Aw, stop being all depressed. You're making ME all depressed. Talk to you later, Emmett.**

_**Talk to you later... :'-(**_

**Fine....Talk to you later, Sexy McSexerstein.**

_**AWESOME MCAWESOME PANTS and Sexy McSexerstein unite as the greatest superhero team EVER!**_

**Don't get ahead of yourself, Em. Maybe another night.**

_**Alright, fine. Another time.**_


	81. All Hallows' Eve

_Hey Edward, how've ya been?_

**Seth! Good, good. Long time no see!**

_Ah, so you remember me. That's good. Jacob said that Bella told him you'd gone senile. I'm glad to see that's not true._

**Indeed it isn't.**

_So what have you guys been up to?_

**Nothing much. Out weekend was a bit uneventful, actually. How was your Halloween? Do anything fun?**

_Yes, actually! We had a La Push costume party down on First Beach. It was tons of fun. Everyone was in the greatest costumes. We had prizes and everything._

**Really? Did you win anything?**

_Nah. Jacob was suuure he'd win best costume, but he didn't. _

**What did he dress up as?**

_Well his costume was just a bunch of regular clothes and stuff, so that's probably why he didn't win. He didn't put that much effort into it. He did pour glitter all over himself, though._

**What was he supposed to be?**

_A vampire._

**Ah. I see.**

_Yuh huh. And he even poured a whole bottle in his underwear. I thought that was a nice touch._

**Indeed.**

_Yeah. But he lost to some little kid._

**Really? What was the kid dressed up as?**

_He was Count Dracula. It really wasn't very realistic. He had fangs, and a cape, and honestly, I mean he didn't glitter at all._

**I agree. Was he at least wearing a Yankees baseball cap?**

_Huh? No. Why would he wear that?_

**Count Dracula is quite a big Yankees fan. I think he even owned them several times. He doesn't now, in order to remain inconspicuous. **

_Really?_

**Yes. The Volturi keep a close eye on his dealings with the Yankees, what with all the tales about him and all. He's very proper, you know, and it irks him to have to introduce himself as 'Drake'. He really much prefers Dracula, and hates when he's not given the respect due to his title and station.**

_So...you guys actually know Count Dracula._

**Yes.**

_Count Dracula is real._

**Of course. Most vampire rumors are based upon fact, you know.**

_Huh._

**Even that preposterous garlic one. We just discovered its origin a few weeks ago. Apparently a half-human, half-vampire hybrid-mutant-half-breed dude was the cause of that tale. He lived in Europe quite a while back, and he owned a restaurant. He became a world-renowned chef, and his pasta primavera was sought after everywhere. He had one quirk though: he never used garlic in his dishes. Couldn't stand the stuff. **

_Really. Huh._

**Truth be told, human blood tastes disgusting when said human has eaten garlic recently. That's why you never see vampires hanging around in the back alleys of Italian restaurants. **

_I never knew. That's a really cool story._

**Why thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.**

_Was any of that true at all?_

**Not a single bit.**

_Ha. I bet you never even knew Count Dracula._

**Oh, no, Seth. Of course I did. Now that part is perfectly true. C-Dog currently lives in Antarctica. Stupid dude actually **_**likes**_** penguins.**

_He's a vegetarian?_

**No, but he's very competitive. A few decades ago he came to visit and, like many of our acquaintances, mocked our lifestyle. He called us weak. **_**I **_**was insulted, of course, so I bet him he couldn't spend a century eating penguins in Antarctica. So far he's been out of our hair for thirty years.**

_Interesting._

**It was quite an informative anecdote, if I do say so myself.**

_Now was any of that true?_

**Nope. Oh, except for the C-Dog part. He likes us to call him that. He's in this whole gangsta stage. I keep telling him, 'Drake! Listen to me, YOU ARE WHITE. You can't be gangsta! You're the least ethnic person I know! Aro is more gangsta than you!' But he's just too stubborn. He writes all these horrific raps, and thinks he's going to be the next Lil Wayne.**

_Uh huh._

**He sends his raps to me every Monday morning. I'm seriously considering making a new email address. Bella made it for me, so I really don't want to, but I may have to just to avoid getting his emails all the time. He's just so annoying!**

_Is that another lie?_

**Ah, you caught me.**

_So, what did you do this weekend?_

**Oh. Not much. You really wouldn't be interested.**

_I doubt that. Come on, sooomething good must have happened._

**Okay, well there was one interesting thing that occurred. So we all decided to watch some scary movies on TV Friday night. The problem was, Carlisle kinda got disgusted and walked away, on account of all the horrible vampire impersonations. Then Esme went with them, and their thoughts kind of led me to believe they went off to do some things **_**together**_**, if you know what I mean.**

_I gotcha._

**So with out any parental authority around, my siblings kinda went crazy. The girls started gossiping like crazy, and-**

_Let me guess. Rosalie was staring in a mirror?_

**No, actually she's still out of the country.**

_Oh, really? Why is she on vacation without Emmett?_

**Uh, it's kind of a long story. I'll tell you another time. So anyways, Jasper was getting really bored, so he started messing around with Emmett.**

_Uh oh._

**Yeah. Every time a scary part in the movie would come on, Emmett would be screaming at the top of his lungs. He didn't even notice what was going on, and he was too scared to even see us laughing. AND, we eventually had Bella hold him down so he couldn't run away. It was honestly the most fun I've had in ages. Well, besides my little adventure with Bella last night, but, well, you don't really need to know about that.**

_Yeah. Uh huh. So was any of THAT little story true?_

**Yes. The whole thing was true. All of it.**

_Sure. Uh huh. _

**Really!**

_Come on, Edward. You're other stories were really more believable._

**But this one is true!**

_Do you really expect me to believe that Rosalie is out of the country without Emmett? The cake is a lie, Edward, and I'm not falling for it._

**What? Cake? What the hell are you talking about?**

_It's an expression, old man. Get with the times._

**I promise you, Seth, I'm not lying.**

_I think Bella was right. You really are going senile. Has Carlisle talked to you about it yet? But then again, he's probably senile too._

**I'm not senile!**

_Whatever you say. Edward. It seems you're also a bit of a pathological liar. We should work on that. Maybe you can take some therapy sessions with Jasper? I tell you, Leah and some of the other wolves have been taking anger management classes with him, and he's fabulous!_

**I'm already being forced into daily sessions with him. Please, whatever you do, Seth, don't inflict even more torture on me.**

_Edward, it's okay. Every body has problems. We all just need to accept our problems and be willing to work on them._

**I hate you all! I wouldn't give a flying fart in space if everybody just died right now!**

_Hmm, a bit melodramatic, are we? I see why you're taking so many sessions with the J-Man. I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything, but it seems to me that you've got a classic case of 'Emo'._

**Just go away, Seth. Run away, and never return.**

_Hey, isn't that from Lion King?_

**Yes. It's one of the scary movies we watched on Friday.**

_Lion King is a scary movie?_

**Of course it is! Are you kidding me? It's so frightening!**

_I never knew._

**I mean, all those animals running around! **

_So?_

**Well, they're all just....just running around, not being eaten! The horror! **

_Oh. You guys are weird._

**Hey!**

_Well, its true._

**If you say so.**


	82. watchin tv

Bells!

_Oh, hey Jake._

What's up?

_Oh, nothing. Just watching TV, as you can see._

Oh, yeah. Well, what's that you're watching there?

_Just some random cooking show. Not really paying too much attention._

A cooking show?

_Yuh huh._

But Bella, that's Animal Planet.

_Your point?_

Never mind.

* * *

**So! Long time no Author's Note! I really just havent had anything to say in a while. But, I've been thinking. And here's the deal. My reviews really aren't what I thought they'd be after all this time: I was so sure that they'd multiply over time. But they haven't. And with the last few chapters, they've been dwindling. I currently have 800 reviews, which is roughly 10 reviews per chapter. So I've made a decision: I'm ending this story after 100 chapters. **

**I'm sorry to those of you who have been here since the beginning, my loyal followers, but that's just how it's gonna be. I mean, come on. I seriously doubt I can even come up with any more ideas after that.**

**So to you all: if you have any ideas, requests, or suggestions, telll them to me soon so I can start preparing. It's been lovely! I adore you all. Never forget that.**

**--Sam**


	83. sexiness and lies ooh, what a combo

_Mommy, I'm bored._

_Aw, my poor Renesmee. Well, what shall we do?_

_Umm.....we could talk about Jacob's sexiness again, I suppose._

_Sounds fun. why don't we make it a little interesting?_

_Huh? How?_

_Winner gets to force Jacob to model for a photo-shoot and keep the pictures. Loser gets to watch, though._

_So it's a win-win situation._

_Exactly. You start._

_Jacob is so sexy...if he were a god, he would be the god of sex._

_Jacob is so sexy that if he were in a talent show, his talent would be being sexy._

_Jacob is so sexy that his favorite band is the Sex Pistols, simply because they share the same attribute of being sexy._

_Jacob is so sexy that if he were a bald mascot for a cleaning solution, his name would be Mr. Sex._

_Jacob is so friggin sexy that YOU would have sex with him._

_But he stinks!_

_Like that would stop you._

_True._

_Jacob is so hot and sexy that if he were a dish on the menu at a Mexican restaurant, he would be rated 5,000 chiles. _

_Jacob Black is so hot that he doesn't have a middle name._

_No, actually that's just kinda lame._

_True._

_He's so hot that he parted the Red Sea, simply by evaporating the water._

_No, no, Renesmee, Carlisle parted the Red Sea._

_Really? So Jacob lied?_

_Yeah._

_I wonder what else he lied about._

_Knowing him, probably everything he's ever told you._

_Hmmm. So he was never president?_

_Nope._

_And he never owned the Yankees?_

_No. He stole that idea from our friend Drake, who's owned the Yankees before. Jacob doesn't even like the Yankees._

_So da Vinci never stole his idea to paint a painting called the Mona Lisa?_

_Correction: Jacob never had the idea to paint the Mona Lisa. That was Carlisle again._

_Wow. He steals a lot of his material from Grampa C._

_I know. I mean, he can at least be original with his ideas, right?_

_So. New topic. This is depressing me. What are your thoughts on the recent government changes?_

_Ugh, I think it's pointless. It's never going to work._

_Hm..I'm not so sure about that. Wait..what?_

_The whole No Child Left Behind Act. IT's clearly not going to have the intended effect._

_What? I was referring to the new president._

_New? He's not new. He's already been in office four years, sweetie. They just reelected him._

_What?_

_President Bush has been president for four years. He ran against John Kerry, and won, thank God._

_Woah woah woah woah woah. Bush has been president for eight years now, not four._

_What?_

_And Barack Obama just won the recent election._

_What?_

_Yeah._

_Woah._

_Uh huh._

_I really need to watch more news._

_Mom, you never watch TV._

_I know. That's the problem._

_You should really try to stay informed about the government, Mom._

_Eh. I prefer to be ignorant of it. That way I wont get upset and strangle every person in an important government position._

_Oh._

_Yeah. I'm getting pretty worked up._

_I'll go get Jasper._

_That might be necessary._

Oh, by the way, I win.

_Damnit!_

_Oh. And I also just lost the game._

Damn you, Renesmee! You made me lose, too. Go get Jasper, now! Before I do to you what I did to Rosalie.


	84. inappropriate

_So tonight, right?_

Yes. I really can't wait. it's going to be amazing, Bella. You've never done it with someone like me before.

_I've never done it with anyone other than a vampire before, Seth. I really can't wait to see if it's different at all._

Well, it shouldn't be all that different, considering how fast I can move.

_Yes, Seth, but you can't move as fast as a vampire._

I can still move pretty fast. You'd be surprised. And my fingers are pretty dexterous, if you know what I mean.

_Oh, I assure you, I do. And I honestly can't wait. _

Would it help if I told you that I did it my first time last year?

_Well, actually, yeah. That makes me a lot less nervous. But Seth, I mean, you started so young! I'm shocked._

Young? Bella, people these days are starting younger and younger. The other day, I saw a ten year old doing it!

_Ugh, that's simply disgusting!_

I know. I didn't want to see, but Jacob showed me.

_He's perverted._

No freaking DUH.

_So tonight, yeah?_

I'll be waiting in my bed for you.

_Hmm. I was thinking we should do it outside. Or, no, how about the bathroom? Or the kitchen?_

All of those sound fine. But actually, It might be even better if we did it on the beach.

_Ooh, in front of the sunset. You always make everything perfect, Seth._

I know.

_Okay, so I'll see you later?_

Yeah. Oh, but remember to say my name reallly, reallllly loud.

_You mean 'type' your name._

Yeah. Because Leah and I share a cellphone, so type my name in all caps so she knows it's addressed to me.

_Alrighty, Seth. Text ya later!_

Bye.

* * *

**Sorry for such a long time without updating. I have trimester exams this week and Physics is a bitch. I love you all! Mwah!**


	85. Carrots

_Ugh, this blood tastes terrible._

**Ew. It smells awful too. **

_I know! I think it might have gone bad._

**Wait. Bella what are you drinking?**

_Blood. What else?_

**That's not blood.**

_Of course it is._

**Uh, no, it's not.**

_Well it looks like blood._

**Where did you find that?**

_It was sitting on the counter, so I just assumed Jacob broke his arm or something stupid and was kind enough to collect the blood for me to drink._

**Since when is Jacob ever kind?**

_Oh. You're right. That should have been my first tip._

**...So I don't think that's blood.**

_Neither do I anymore._

**Well what is it?**

_You're all knowing. You tell me._

**Well, by the smell...it smells kind of like....vegetables? I don't know. Either way, it's repulsive.**

_Wait...vegetables?_

**Yes.**

_Edward?_

**Yes?**

_I think this is V8 juice._

**What?**

_This is V8._

**WHAT?**

_Yeah...as in...you shoulda had a V8...popping noise....vegetable juice that tastes like celery..._

**Bella...**

_What's wrong, Edward? You look terrible. You look reallllly pale, like paler than usual._

**Please read me the ingredients.**

_What? Why?_

**Are there any carrots in there?**

_Hold on...let me check......_

_yes._

**No! Get it away! AWAY!!!!!!!**

_Edward, what the hell._

**GET IT AWAY FROM ME!**

_Seriously, wtf?_

**NO CARROTS! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

_This is beyond crazy. This is psychopathic._

**GET THE DAMN CARROTS AWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW!**

_Jeez, it's gone. Chill._

**Chill? CHILL? YOU'RE TELLING ME TO CHILL?**

_Well, it is sort of ironic, I suppose, you being all cold and all._

**THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM REFERRING TO, ISABELLA!**

_You called me Isabella? Woah, there must be something seriously wrong._

**YOU THINK?**

_Yes, in fact, I do._

**NO! NO CARROTS!**

_The carrots are gone! Oh my god, seriously, you need even more sessions with Jasper. I'm serious._

**NO! NO MORE INKBLOTS! THE INKBLOTS LOOK LIKE CARROTS!**

_Oh god._

* * *

So sorry I haven't updated in forever. I had exams this last week so I've been spending all my time studying. So here's the thing. I'm not going to end this at a set time, I'm just only going to update when I can instead of insisting on doing it everyday.

Love you all! It's so nice that I'm still getting the random review even after I haven't written in a wile.


	86. Dear Diary

Dear Diary.

I had a horrible flashback today. You remember the carrot incident in 1935? Well Bella had some human drink....on second thought, you don't want to hear it. I won't subject you to that kind of horror. I'm still shuddering remembering....

And then later, Jasper forced me to have a session with him again today. And the inkblots...oh, the inkblots. You have no idea how horrible they are. They all look like carrots.....

No one understands. They can't understand. I can't even tell anyone else, except for you. You understand me. You're the only one who gets me. You alone know how much I suffer....

I can't take it. I'm going to have to deal with it sometime. But that time cannot be today. Maybe some other time; but not today. I've had too much fright for one day. Maybe I'm procrastinating, but I don't care. I can't deal with it..............

On a lighter note, Bella beat the living shit out of Jacob today, literally. I think he soiled himself, by the smell he was emitting. Though on second thought, that might have just been his normal wolfy odor. I don't remember what the issue was, just that Bella beat him up. It made me forget about the carrots for forty-five whole second....oh GOD. CARROTS.

No. Must not think of that. Okay, I'll immerse myself in the thoughts of others, as mine are to scary. Alice is thinking about....what else. Clothes. Boring. Rosalie is thinking about....Emmett. No no, skip that, skip that. Emmett is thinking about.....Rosalie. Surprise surprise. Bella is thinking about....wait, Bella's thinking? I wonder why her shield is up....oh no please no please no GOD. SHE'S THINKING ABOUT CARROTS. Wondering why I'm so afraid of them. No no, listen to someone else. Someone...else....Esme, worrying about Carlisle, about, oh no don't go there. Bad mental images will most certainly be involved. Jasper! Yes, Jasper, always with relatively calm thoughts, nice thoughts, sometimes depressing, but always kind thoughts....

What's this? He's angry? That's rare. Why would he be angry? Hm, now it's annoyance. Oh, I see, he's with a patient. Who is it this time? Caius? Figures. I always knew he had anger management problems, ever since I met him, when the carrot incident occured-

NONONONONONO NEW TRAIN OF THOUGHT!

Roses. Flowers. Plants. Animals. Jacob. Smelly. Ew. V8 Juice. Vegetables. Carrots. NOOOOO!

This is too much. I can't take it. I'm going to go sit in the corner and try not to be emo. I seriously doubt that I'll succeed though. There's just something about sitting in the corner that makes me want to act like Jasper, the emotional freak.

Till next time,  
I love you.

Edward.


	87. Jasper's Story

Momma, how did Jasper become a vampire?

_Well, Renesmee, Once upon a time there was a happy little boy who loved to fight. He loved to fight so much that when he turned five years old, he joined the army. It was a bad army, an army that liked slaves. But this boy was happy, and he was a happy little happy boy. So this happy boy became the happy leader of the army. Then one day, these three female vampires who weren't as pretty as me came up and were all like, 'Yo.' And then the little boy was like 'Weeeeee!' And then they like bit him, and he turned into a vampire, and then all of a sudden he wasn't a happy little boy anymore. Instead he was a moody little boy who hated life and spent all of his time sitting in the corner._

Oh. Well when did he meet Alice?

_WELL, so one day this emo little vampire kid dude was all like, 'Idk what to do with my life, I'm all emo and everyone hates me AND I can't even cut myself because I'm a vampire and stronger than anything else on Earth and all Waaa waaaa waaaa and WTF I CAN'T EVEN CRY THIS SUCKS and stuff and yeah ok whatever.' _

And then what?

_So the emo-depressed-not-happy-but-always-in-pain-kid was like crying in a manly manner in the corner when this fairy came up, and was like 'OMFG I have amazingly spiky hair and I'm gorgeous and i love you and we're going to get married and i know because I can see the future and WTF WHAT ARE YOU WEARING Jeez we really need to work on your wardrobe this is ridiculous and OMC thank god I don't need to breathe because if I were a human I surely would have died by now because I've been talking for so long and OH EM GEE ARE THOSE DOLCE AND GABBANA?' 'and then Jasper said, 'do you know what Grammar is?' And Alice replied, 'OF COURSE I DO, SILLY! Why?' And Jasper said, 'Well do you know what a run on sentence is?' And Alice said, 'yes, of course, why?' and he was all, 'nevermind. How did you know who I was?' And she was all, 'Duh, you were the one who looked like he was in pain.' And he was like, 'So I'm going to have to marry you?' And alice was like, 'YES! ISN'T THAT AMAZING!!!!!!!!?' and I think that was the first time Jasper attempted suicide._

Well were they?

_Were what what?_

Were they D&G?

_Oh of course. There's no beating a vampire's eyesight. _

So then what?

_What?_

What happened next?

_...I'm not sure. Why don't you ask her?_

Are you kidding me? Her stories always take wayyyy to long to tell.

_And why is that?_

Well you should know this by now. It's cuz she always has to describe exactly what everybody was wearing and then ultimately ends up veering off on some random topic.

_Like what?_

Well, for instance, last night I was asking her what she hunted the day before and she managed to end up lecturing me about the evil effects of the whole black-leggings-under-denim-miniskirts-fad. 

_Renesmee, I am SO sorry._

You should be!

_I sincerely apologize for letting you be exposed to such craziness. It will never happen again. I promise._

Alright. You're forgiven. What should we do now?

_Wanna go torture Jacob?_

HELL YES!

* * *

**DID YOU LOVE THE MOVIE OR WHAT? I thought that the story adaption was pretty close to the book, and the differences made sense, so that was ok. And I thought the whole composition of the movie was amazing. The music was surprisingly good. I didn't expect it at all, like when you would think some pumping beat-filled song would come on, it would just be some slow guitar thing.**

**I hated Bella's lullaby, though. I mean, I get it, but i would have preferred it to be a lot more piano. Anyways, it was SO good. Not to mention hilarious! **


	88. To feed 5 wolves, make 14 turkeys

**Cullen Holiday Agenda  
_(Thanksgiving)  
_****For Esme Cullen  
By Alice Cullen**

6:00 AM – Rouse family

6:01 AM – Assemble ingredients

6:02 AM – Realize that half of the ingredients are missing

6:03 AM – Panic

6:06 AM – Send Emmett to grocery store

6:07 AM to 6:45 AM – Consult Alice on the day's happenings

6:46 AM – Write up agenda for the day

6:49 AM – Catch crystal vase of roses Alice throws when she realizes she won't be able to see what happens once the guests arrive

6:50 AM – Call Jasper

6:52 AM – Remove all flowers from the immediate area

6:59 AM to 7:07 AM – Keep an eye on Alice and Jasper, just in case the latter should lose control on the former, and the former should happen to decide to attempt to ruin another antique

7:08 AM – Scold Emmett for taking so long to get the groceries

7:12 AM – Tell Emmett to stop complaining that all human food looks alike; Secretly agree

7:13 AM to 7:49 AM – Figure out what the ingredients are

**7:50 AM to 1:27 PM – Cook8:00 – Tell Jasper to put down the Cantaloupe**

**8:16 – Tell Jasper to put down the Watermelon  
8:28 – Tell Jasper to put down the eggs  
8:32 – Tell Jasper that if he doesn't stop playing football with the food Bella will be ordered to sit on him  
8:41 – Find a water bottle in the cranberry sauce  
8:43 – Pick eggshells out of salad  
9:11 – Throw out burnt turkeys  
9:13 – Ask Jasper to go get more  
9:35 – Ask Rosalie to go BUY more  
9:36 to 9:40 – clean up feathers  
9:41 – Wonder how Jasper found live turkeys in Washington  
9:58 – Tell Edward to use all the spices as a substitute for Allspice  
10:46 – Realize mistake  
10:49 – Throw out five dishes  
10:50 – Throw everyone out of the kitchen  
11:11 – Call Jasper back in to provide some calm  
11:13 – Tell him to stop touching things  
11:34 – Tell him again  
11:44 – Make him stand in a corne  
1:00 – Take turkeys out of oven  
1:02 – Gag at the smell  
1:26 – Put all dishes to the side  
1:27 – Call family into the kitchen**

1:28 PM – Make family clean up kitchen

1:30 PM – 2:47 PM – Cuddle with Carlisle

2:50 PM – Tell family to write down what they are thankful for on a piece of paper to be submitted for approval

3:30 PM – Collect submissions

**3:31 PM – Read submissions  
_Esme__ – I am thankful for our friends who have come to dine with us tonight, our home, and my family.  
__Carlisle__ – I am thankful for my wife, Emse, my children, and that we have such good friends who are so kind hearted and lovely.  
__Edward__ – I am thankful for my beautiful wife, Bella, our extraordinary daughter, Renesmee, my good buddy Jacob, and all the wolves.  
__Bella__– I am thankful for my dad, Charlie, my daughter Renesmee, Jacob, Billy, Leah, Seth, and everyone else here tonight for being the greatest people ever.  
__Renesmee__– I am thankful for my Mommy, my Daddy, my Auntie Alice who dresses me in pretty clothes, my toys, my house, my grandma and grandpa, my Auntie Rose, my Uncle Jasper, Uncle Emmett, all of our vampire friends, all of our wolf friends, butterflies, yummy deer, pretty flowers...and I'm thankful that nobody's making me eat any of this food...oh yeah, and Jacob too.  
__Alice__– I am thankful for Jasper, Esme, Rosalie, Edward, Bella, Emmett, Carlisle, our life here in Forks, Christian Louboutin for making the most gorgeous shoes ever, Michael Kors for designing my favorite handbag, and Coco Chanel for making the new dress I bought today. If you spill anything on it I will bite you.  
__Jasper__ – I am thankful for my wife, my life, and my lack of strife. Also that the wolves are a lot better at managing their anger. It was getting kind of annoying having to calm them all the time so that they don't break Esme's silverware.  
__Rosalie__ – I'm thankful for Renesmee and Emmett. And that the quicker they eat, the sooner the dogs'll leave.  
__Emmett__ – Rose_**

3:40 PM – Tell Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett to change what they are thankful for

3:50 PM – Tell them, 'Or Else'

4:00 PM – Do it for them

4:50 PM – Hear guests arriving in cars, about 10 or so miles away

4:51 PM – Panic

4:52 PM – Tell Rosalie and Emmett to set the table

4:53 PM – Try to find Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Bella, Renesmee, and Edward

4:54 PM – Call them

4:55 PM – Discover text messaging

4:56 PM to 5:10 PM – have fun texting people

5:11 PM – Regain focus and start bringing food out to the table

5:12 PM – Throw out dog bowls

5:15 PM – Find packaging for personalized dog bowls in trash

5:16 PM – Re-set table

5:22 PM – Scold Rosalie and Emmett

5:23 PM – Feel bad that they are disappointed

5:24 PM – Hold breath

5:25 PM – Plug in air freshener

5:27 PM – Guests arrive!

_**(Note: I can't see anything else at this point. You'll just have to wing it from there)**_

* * *

Have a happy Thanksgiving everybody!


	89. waxing gibbous moon ::look it up::

**Bella, love, put on your swimsuit. I have a surprise for you.**

_A surprise? That would require a swimsuit? _

**Well personally, I don't mind if you don't wear a swimsuit. But you would probably prefer that to going nude, I suppose.**

_What's the surprise?_

**You know how I've been a bit busy these last couple of hours?**

_Yeah. I've had to spend all my time with Jacob. It's been tiresome._

**I apologize, truly. I didn't mean to make you suffer so. But anyway, I've been...making something. **

_What? I love presents!_

**That's not true, you hate when I give you things. And you still are an awful liar. But thanks for the enthusiasm.**

_I am so too a good liar! I've lied to you about tons of things._

**Yeah? Like what?**

_Well I can't tell you, because obviously I lied for a reeeeeason. It's a secret. And if I told you, you would know._

**Secrets, secrets are no fun  
unless you everyone!**

_You've obviously been spending wayyyy too much time with Emmett._

**I know, I know. I'm sorry. He's rubbing off on me.**

_So anyways, what's the surprise?_

**Huh. I don't know. I seem to have forgotten. So what do you want to do today? Shall we go to the beach and cuddle?**

_No, I can't. Sorry. I'm busy._

**Really? With what?**

_Jacob's book signing, remember?_

**What are you talking about?**

_Jacob's book? Hellllllo?_

**I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.**

_Jacob wrote a book. It's called __Waxing Gibbous Moon__._

**What is it about?**

_It's about this girl who falls in love with an ugly, loathsome, terrible ogre. He is hideous and disgusting, and she is as fair as a sunset in space. Obviously no sane person would fall in love with an ogre, of course not. The ogre, whose name is Bledward Blullen, asked his brother to put a love spell on the lady. So these awful ogres keep the fair maiden, Shwella Shwan, under their spell. Until one day, when she meets a heroic and utterly handsome centaur, named Gwacob Gwack. Simply being in the presence of such amazingness breaks through the spell on Shwella, and she proceeds fall in love with Gwacob instead. Bledward is so depressed that he goes to Europe and pays these other ogre goons to kill him. Meanwhile, Shwella is pregnant with a Gwacob's mutant spawn, and gives birth to a litter of half-centaur half-human babies. A blonde chick named Frosalie who is really mean to Gwacob is gets publicly humiliated as a cosmic punishment for her ill treatment of Gwacob, and everyone lives happily ever after._

_Except for Bledward, of course, cuz he's dead._

**Um, wow.**

_I know, right? It's so deep. It's an amazing story, so original, so emotional, so raw and powerful. It sends a great message._

**Bella, does this seem a bit familiar to you?**

_What? No. What do you mean?_

**...never mind.**

_Okay then. I'm going to Jacob's for the weekend. _

**What the hell? Why?**

_What do you mean, why? You said I could. _

**When did i EVER say that?**

_When I was preggers with Renee, oh, I mean Esme....oh wait, no, I mean Renezwillgeebers...no that's not right either..._

**Wait, wait, wait. Back to the point here. When did I said you could spend the weekends at Jacob's?**

_You told him he could borrow me, and then he was all, you mean like a rental movie, keep it for the weekend and return it on Monday? And apparently you were all for it. So I'll see you Monday._

**Bella no! Wait!**

_What, Edward? I'm already late. Make it quick._

**Fine. All I'm saying is this. You better hope Jacob can sign his child support checks, because there is NO way I am paying for you to raise a litter of puppies. Especially **_**his**_** puppies. **

_Whatever. Bye._

**I feel so neglected. **


	90. Fine! ::aka Abtoosh::

_Is that a mirror in your pocket?_

**What? No. Why?**

_Because I can totally see myself in your pants._

**Umm...okay?**

_Hey, I just realized this, but you look a lot like my boyfriend. _

**You have a boyfriend? What?**

_POOF!_

**What was that for?**

_I'm here. What are your other three wishes?_

**I'm terribly confused. **

_I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you._

**Well, I'm sure I already knew that, Bella. You DID marry me. **

_Did you just fart?_

**No...? I'm not even sure vampires can fart.**

_Because baby, you just blew me away._

**Bella, where is all this ridiculousness coming from?**

_Jacob took me to a bar the other night, and this is the stuff he was saying._

**Hahahahah. Are you kidding me?**

_No, I swear._

**I think it would be safe to assume that he didn't leave with anybody, am I correct?**

_You are indeedy._

**So what are you planning on doing today?**

_I don't know. I was thinking of writing a book of my philosophical musings._

**Oh? I hd no idea you were philosophically inclined, my love. What such musings have you had?**

_Quite a few in fact..._

**Such as...?**

_Well, Edward, I dream of a better tomorrow._

**How intriguing.**

_A better tomorrow, a better world. A world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned._

**Oh.**

_Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym._

**What about those who cannot teach gym?**

_I'm getting to that part! Those who can't teach gym, become clinically depressed and then, in a state of confusion and mania, go bear hunting and as a result become vampires._

**Hey if that's a crack at Emmett, don't let him hear you. He is very sensitive about failing that gym teacher test. It's his only human memory that he can even remember at all. I would know.**

_Oh. I guess that's true._

**Mmhmm.**

_So five minutes ago I decided to read all of Carlisle's history books, and in every single one of them there's some guy names Carlisle, or Carlyle. _

**So?**

_So I was wondering...is that him?_

**What do you mean?**

_Well I'm assuming that all of the Carlisles in history are him._

**I'm not so sure about that Bella.**

_Whatever._

**Hey, what are you writing?**

_My philosophical musings. I'm writing them down for posterity's sake._

**Oh. **

_Hey, Edward?_

**Yeah.**

_What's another word for "douchebaggery"?_

**Pardon?**

_Well, I've already used it like three times already and I don't want to use it again._

**Um, I'm not quite sure I know a synonym for that word.**

_Oh well, It's time for me to leave anyway._

**Leave? To go where?**

_I have a date._

**And with whom, might I ask?**

_His name is Abtoosh. I met him at the bar last night._

**Um, Bella, I'm not sure I approve of this.**

_Why?_

**You're going out on a date and you're married to me?**

_Why are you being so freaking controlling? Jacob was right. You're not my father._

**Thank heavens for that.**

_You know you sound really ridiculous when you quote yourself like that._

**Well you sound ridiculous when you say anything. Anything at all.**

_Do you really mean that?_

**No. And I'm sorry if I offended you.**

_I forgive you._

**And...?**

_And what?_

**Aren't you going to apologize?**

_For what?_

**For what you said!**

_What did I say?_

**You said that....oh shoot, I forgot.**

_Oh well then. See you later._

**Bye Bella. **

_Bye._

**Oh wait!**

_What?_

**I love you!**

_Ok._

**What?**

_Ok._

**Aren't you going to say it back?**

_Well, honestly Edward, it's a bit early in our relationship for that. Please stop pressuring me, okay?_

**What the hell are you talking about?**

_You keep pressuring me to say the "L" word, and I'm not ready yet!_

**Bella, you married me. You've said it dozens, hundreds, thousands of times. **

_Yeah, well....I'm gonna be late._

**Fine, be that way.**

_Fine! I will!_

**Fine!**

_Fine!_

**Fine!**

_Fine!_

__

**Fine!**

_Fine!_

**Fine!**

_Fine!_

**Fine!**

_Wanna go have sex?_

**Sure.**


	91. complimentary dirty talk?

_**(Emmett**, _Rosalie) Though honestly it should be pretty obvious. Who else would Rose be talking to in such a flirtatious manner? ;-)

* * *

_**Why hello, Rose, my exquisite flower. **_

Look at you, you sexy, beautiful, pale thing you.

_**Oh, getting frisky are we?**_

With your luscious curls, that sparkling smile, delicious, flawless skin...

_**Me likey what me read....uh....y.**_

Those rock hard abs, jewel-like complexion!

_**What's with all the compliments today, Rose? Not that I'm complaining.**_

It is a wonderful year to be alive, what with you lighting up the nights.

_**I do light up the night indeed. Like last night. Care for a repeat?**_

You truly turn me on.

_**Come on, Baby! Enough teasing me! Let's go knock down some more houses, shall we?**_

I would definitely do you. 

_**Erm, I should hope so. Seeing as I'm your husband and all.**_

Your curls...so bouncy...

_**I always knew you loved them curls. I bought a curling iron yesterday, wanna see?**_

Your sexy...shiny...blonde curls...

_**Hey, wait, my curls are black!**_

What? Oh, hi, Emmett. I didn't see you there.

_**What do you mean? You were just like...I don't know, treating me to some new form of complimentary dirty-talk or something.**_

Oh, no, poor Emmett. I wasn't talking to you!

_**Really? Then what other curly haired vampire in this room were you talking to, might i ask?**_

Oh, myself.

_**Yourself.**_

In the mirror. 

_**In the mirror.**_

Are you just going to repeat everything i say?

_**Repeat everything I say?**_

Okay then...I want to kidnap Renesmee.

_**I want to kidnap Renesmee.**_

Bears taste good.

_**Bears taste good.**_

Emmett is sexy.

_**Emmett is sexy.**_

I am a fairy princess who loves to wear tutus and sparkly crowns and then go frolicking through fields of wildflowers.

_**I am a fairy princess who loves to wear....Hey wait a minute!**_

Haha gotcha.

_**Good one. So guess what?**_

*GASP!* My dreams have come true? Bella is going to let me keep Renesmee?

_**Uh, no. Close though. Esme just built us a new house.**_

How is that remotely close?

_**I dont know.**_

And when did she build this house? She just got back from Tunisia an hour ago. 

_**Hmm, maybe like, what, approximately 72.56784 seconds ago? Give or take a nanosecond or two.**_

Oh fun.

_**Yes fun.**_

Fun fun fuckity fun.

_**Speaking of which....**_

Yes?

_**Wanna go knock down the house?**_

Finally. I thought you'd never ask.

_**The bed is solid gold, so it could take awhile.**_

The longer the better.

_**Was that intended to be a sexual innuendo?**_

In your end-o.

_**I'll take that as a yes.**_

Baby when it comes to you, my answer is allllways yes.

_**Ooooh, I like that.**_

Unless it involves ruining my hair.

_**Of course.**_

Or my outfit.

_**I know.**_

Or my earrings.

_**Okay I get it.**_

Or my car.

_**Point taken.**_

Or my-

OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST RIP OFF MY DRESS?

_**Ummm...well...that depends.**_

On?

_**Are you mad?**_

Yes!

_**Then no.**_

But now I've just realized that I'm naked.

_**And in that case.....yes.**_

Ohhhhhh, I get it.

_**ExACTly.**_

* * *

Okay hi guys. Wow I haven't written an author's note in quite awhile. I guess I just havent really had much to say. Bad idea, because now I've got a bunch of stuff to tell you.

1. I do read all your reviews. I know I've said I like ideas, and I love that some of you sometimes give me them. I don't mean to be hypocritical by not using them, not at all. I'm just very picky about what I write about and haven't gotten any ideas that I like yet (i know, i know, no ideas in like 3-4 months? but whatever. that's just how it is)

2. It seems there is some slight confusion. I am not ending this story at 100 chapters. I thought I cleared that up. I had originally decided that, but changed my mind and said that instead of ending at one hundred, I would continue on whenever I had ideas, but those ideas would be less frequent and therefore the chapters would be a lot less frequent. Which brings me to #3...

3. I apologize for not updating frequently at all. I know, It's very depressing, for me as well as you. But I'm funny enough that you love me anyways. (Which brings me to #4...)

4. I love you guys! It's so heartening to see in my emails that I have new people subscribing every day. You guys are the greatest.

Mwah!!!!!!

-Sam.


	92. A Pony? WHERE?

_Merry Christmas Carlisle!_

_**Um.**_

_What?_

_**Never mind. Nothing.**_

_Don't lie to me. I know it's not nothing. You've got that face on._

_**What face?**_

_Your "it's not nothing" face._

_**I....I have no idea what you're talking about?**_

_Wait, why was that a question?_

_**Um....typo.**_

_There are like seven thousand things wrong with that word in this context. First of all, we're not typing. We're writing._

_**Oh.**_

_Second, you're a vampire._

_**ESME! EDWARD! Um....who else do I care about? CAIUS! BILLY!!!! SHE'S GUESSED OUR SECRET! RUNNNNNN!!!**_

_Very funny. I meant that you're a vampire, and vampires don't make mistakes._

_**Oh.**_

_So that made no sense._

_**What made no sense?**_

_Putting a question mark at the end of that sentence._

_**Oh. So...what were we talking about again?**_

_Good job, Carli! That question mark was indeed used properly. _

_**Bella, please.**_

_Uh....-scans paper- we were talking about Christmas! And your "it's not nothing" face. I said Merry Christmas and you said "um" and made that face, and I was all "what?". _

_**Thank you for the recap.**_

_Hey, wait a minute. You could have done that yourself. Were you distracting me?_

_**Darn.**_

_Anyways, it's not going to work. I am not easily distracted, you know. Most vampires are, I admit, like when the other day I was all, "Oh I love you Renesmee!" and then Edward touched my arm, and then all of a sudden we were doing the nasty on the couch.....hey, maybe I should head back to the cottage. Edward is at the cottage..._

_**Yes, but Jacob is also at the cottage.**_

_That's okay. He can watch._

_**Erm, Bella, whatever you want to do with your sex life is fine, but please keep me out of the loop.**_

_Relax, Daddy-in-law. I was kidding. -shifts eyes suspiciously-_

_**I'll ignore that.**_

_Hey! Wait! You distracted me again!_

_**Darn!**_

_Why the face when I said "Merry Christmas"?_

_**No reason! I already told you!**_

_I don't believe you._

_**Fine. I made that face...because it's the 28th of December.**_

_So?_

_**Christmas is the 25th.**_

_ARE YOU KIDDING ME?_

_**...no?**_

_That's okay. I guess I didn't remember because I don't celebrate Christmas anymore._

_**What are you talking about, Bella? We had a tree up and we opened presents. How could you not remember? And why don't you celebrate Christmas?**_

_I converted to Judaism._

_**What.**_

_You see, Carlisle, THAT'S where you should have put a question mark. _

_**You converted to Judaism? When? How come I didn't know about this?**_

_Embry took me to meet his rabbi a couple of weeks ago._

_**Embry?**_

_Yeah. All the wolves are Jewish._

_**I was completely unaware of that fact. **_

_Yeah. I mean, Jacob's grandpa's name is Ephraim, you know? And Jacob is a biblical name...and so is Leah, and Quil._

_**Quil is not a biblical name. Quil is a Native American name.**_

_I guess you would know, seeing as you're God and all._

_**Oh Good Lord.**_

_Carlisle? Why are you talking to yourself?_

_**Pardon?**_

_You said "Good Lord". But that's you. Because you're God. Who just happens to be the Good Lord. (as opposed to the Bad Lord)_

_**Bella, if I'm God, then I can do whatever I want, right?**_

_Right._

_**Then don't question me. **_

_Okay. Hey, I just realized something!_

_**-sigh- What?**_

_When I pray to God, I'm praying to you!_

_**Jesus Christ.**_

_Hey, did you know Jesus was Jewish?_

_**Yes, in fact, I did. **_

_Oh yeah, I guess you would, seeing as he's your son and all. How did you deal with that when he converted? Was it stressful? _

_**Jesus was not my son! **_

_Oh yeeeeeah, I remember now. He was your drinking buddy, right?_

_**Hey Bella! Look! A pony!**_

_-gasp- A Pony????? WHERE? GIMME GIMME GIMME!_

_Carlisle?_

_Where'd you go?  
I miss you so.  
Seems like it's been forevvvvvvver since you've been gone._

_But that's probably because my vampire brain comprehends a second in a way that makes it last like five thousand hours.  
So like..._

_I lost my train of thought._

_Who was I talking to again?  
Where am I?  
I remember I was talking about the cottage..._

_Renesmee! I haven't thought about Renesmee in like 60 seconds! What is wrong with me! Oh God, I'm a terrible mother! Help me be a better mother to my beautiful amazing wonderful child!!!!!! _

_RENESMEE! WHERE ARE YOU! I LOVE YOUUUU! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN JACOB LOVES JALEPENOS!  
And that's saying something. Jacob loves them damn jalepenos._

_Hey, wait, if Jesus is Carlisle's son, and so is Edward....Doesn't that mean that Jesus is like.....Edward's second half-cousin removed 5 times? Wow! I'm related to Jesus! _

_Not that I care, seeing as I'm Jewish._

* * *

**So yeah. I don't celebrate Christmas, or I would have done a better Christmas chapter for y'all. Sorry 'bout that.**

**I love you guys so much. You are just the greatest. I haven't really checked up on how many reviews and favs I have for this story in like....idk, a very long time. But I just thought I'd inform those of you who haven't seen lately that I have 1,108 reviews and 135 favs for this story.**

_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

**That is so amazing. I couldn't ask for better readers. -kisses-**

**Now I have something to say, and I hope it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. It really shouldn't, but I just wanted to make sure that this was not intended offensively to anyone at all. **

**Okay so here goes. I appreciate your reviews tremendously, as I've said time and again. But reviews that just say "That was good" or "Haha" or "That was funny" are really not appreciated. I get a couple of people who send me a similar review every single chapter. Honestly, if you don't have anything more to say about the chapter, you don't need to feel like you have to review. After all this time, I know when I'm being funny. You don't need to tell me just that it was good unless you have something specific/more to say. **

**That being said, I DO love your reviews. It just clutters up my email when I get five reviews saying simply "good chapter." I appreciate when I get cohesive, comprehensive reviews. I love your little stories, and feel great when you say something interesting. **

_1108!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

**Love you very muchly.**

**-Sam**


	93. RENESWALK

_Jacob, I've been thinking._

REALLY?!?! Wow. That is truly a remarkable feat, Bella. I congratulate you. You should get an award, or something.

_Shut up._

Hey, hey, now. I'm not sayyyyyying anything.

_You know what I mean. But I was thinking..._

Okayyy. About?

_Renesmee._

Ah, Renesmee. The Goddess. Ma raison d'etre. The only important thing in life. The only thing holding me down to this Earth, this life, keeping me from floating off into space. My sun, my moon. I orbit her like planets can orbit a star even after it has imploded and inverted itself into a red dwarf. She pulls me like the moon pulls the oceans into tides. I am a puppet, and she is my master. I-

_Seriously. You're way too obsessed. _

I'll take that as a compliment.

_Which is actually a good thing, considering._

Considering what, exactly?

_Well I'm kinda getting sick of her._

You're SICK of her? Your daughter?

_Yes. I've had her for a year already. Enough is enough._

Oh. Uh, I don't know what to say.

_Do you want her?_

Are you sure?

_Yes._

Then HELL YEAH! When can I take her?

_Now is fine._

Shit! That's awesome!

_There's only one thing._

Uh oh. I knew it.

_See, I'm gonna be a little lonely with her gone._

But you'll have Edward! And Seth!

_Yeah, but Edward is obsessed with his new car and Seth is boring._

Oh. He got a new car?

_Don't change the subject. I'm going to be lonely. And I still want to have a kid._

I'm afraid at the direction this is going...

_So I'd like to take you up on your previous offer._

What offer?

_I want puppies._

WHAT!?!?!

_Renesmee is boring. Puppies are not. I want puppies. Specifically, your puppies._

Well, why not Seth? Or someone else?

_Seth? Please, Jacob. I don't want my puppies to be UGLY._

Wait till I tell Seth you said that!

_Please?_

No! Besides, how would that work?

_I'd be willing to adopt._

And who would be the mother?

_I was thinking...Leah._

NO. FREAKING. WAY.

_Oh, come on, Jacob!_

No! End of discussion!

_I'll take you for a walk!_

WALK?

_Yes, Jacob....walk!_

WALK! Walkwalkwalkwalkwalk!!!!!!!!!!!

_Yes! And then I'll take you for a ride in the car, and you can stick your head out the window!_

WALKWALKWALKWALKWALK!!!!!!!

_Yes, Jacob. Walk. _

WALKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

_Seriously. Chill. It's just a walk._

WALK WALK WALK WAELKJFDMW;AOILJSF;LSKDFJL;SAEKJTL;K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_You know what? Forget I even mentioned the whole thing. I don't want my kids being this crazy._

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALKKKKKKKKKKKKKKSLDFJOWIELKSDJFGKSDJFLKSDJFLSDJFD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Yeah. Definitely not. Maybe I should go talk to Seth after all...maybe he would want Renesmee._

RENESMEE?

_Yes, Renesmee. What about her?_

Renesmee take Jacob on walk?

_...I guess she can, if you want..._

Oh God. A walk, AND Renesmee! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Did someone call my name?

_No, Carlisle. Go away._

Why is Jacob running in circles around the yard?

_I'm not quite sure. Something about a walk?_

Maybe I should take a look at him. Jacob, are you feeling alright?

RENESMEE! WALK! RENESMEE! WALK! NESSIE! NESSIE! NESSIE! WALK! NESSIE! RENESMEE! WALK! NESSIE! WALKKKK!

_Do you know what's wrong with him?_

Not a clue.

_Alrighty then. See ya later. _

Goodbye.

_Bye, Jacob._

ohmygodohmygodohmygod. RENESWALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

**Okay, so just a quick question. It's fine if you forget to answer. But does everyone always get who is who? I try to make it clear without writing it at the top. Except for a few people who are always the same:**

**Edward is always bold, Bella is always Italics. **

**But for the rest I usually do things like:**

Hello Esme.

_Hello, Carlisle._

**So the first one is Carlisle talking, and the second on is Esme talking. Does that make sense? Do you guys pretty much get it?**

**If you ever don't get it, just let me know in your review and I'll make it more clear.**

**Lovelovelove,  
-Sam. **


	94. future birthday presents

Bella! I love my birthday present! Thank you!

_Um, Alice, I haven't really gotten it yet..._

But you will!

_I haven't even picked it out yet..._

But you will!

_And your birthday isn't for 10 months, 3 days, 7 hours, 4 minutes, and 54 seconds._

Well....yeah. But I love it!

You really need to stop doing that.

-sigh- I know.


	95. WELL YOU'RE SHORT

_-tackle hugs- OMGHAI JASPER, HAI JASPER, HAIHAIHAI._

_**Good morning, my dear Alice.**_

_I'm feeling so hyper! I have no idea why!!!!!_

_**Orly?**_

_DID YOU KNOW that 'orly', which of course is supposed to mean 'oh really', sounds like 'oar-lee' when you read it?_

_**Oar-lee?**_

_YES_

_**Okay, now the whole hyper thing is getting annoying.**_

_Well, IM SORRY, it's not like i can just freaking TURN IT OFF, JUST LIKE THAT! Jesus, Jasper! Get some sense! I mean you should know stuff like that! Seriously, you-_

_Huh. I feel tired. Reeeeeally tired. Like my whole body is just shutting down. I can barely move...._

_**Good.**_

_Woah. Head rush. And now i feel like....like...._

_**Like you wanna get out of here? -winks suggestively-**_

_Mmmm, yeah, that sounds about righ- JASPER WHITLOCK HALE CULLEN. ARE YOU MANIPULATING MY EMOTIONS?_

_**Um...mehbeh?**_

_Well, Mister, your plan has become your own downfall. Because now I DEFINITELY will not sleep with you right now._

_**..damn.**_

_Don't you dare play with my emotions like that!_

_**Im sowweh. -makes puppy dog eyes-**_

_You're forgiven._

_...What are you doing?_

_**I am holding your hand, Alice, as per usual. **_

_Yes, I know that Jasper. But your drumming your fingers on my hand._

_**Mmhmm.**_

_Jasper....are you....are you playing GUITAR HERO on my hand?_

_**Uh....**_

_OH MY GOD! YOU TOTALLY ARE!_

_**Yeah? Well, you're....you're....**_

_**YOU'RE SHORT.**_

_What the hell, Jasper._

_**Shit.**_

_I can't believe you just went there._

_**I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, aren't I...**_

_Figuratively speaking, yes._

_**Wait, Alice! Don't leave yet!**_

_-sigh- What, Jasper?_

_**Have you seen my pants?**_

_No, Jasper._

_**I can't find my pants.**_

_I can see that, Jasper._

_**Well can you see where I am going to find them?**_

_Yes I can._

_**Well, where?**_

_Not telling._

_**Well.....YOU'RE SHORT!**_

_CHUCK NORRIS!_

_**...you win.**_

* * *

So this chapter had a purpose. Yes it did indeed. My boyfriend, Josh, apparently read my story. I didn't tell him to. I was embarrassed. THIS is my payback. These things, he did. He did indeed to these things that he did. He played guitar hero on my hand.

And teh funniest part?!?!?!?!?!?!? I am very short. He is very tall. :D

He be Jaspah. I be Alice.

Tis lulzy.


	96. the least favorite son

_**Esme, quit poking me!**_

Emmett, may I talk to you for a minute? In private?

**_Now's not the greatest time, Esme. Could we maybe talk later? Or out loud? I'm a little busy playing a game here._**

I'm sorry, Emmett, but it really is a bit important. And Jasper's upstairs; I don't want him to hear.

_**Alright, but don't distract me. This is crucial. I can't lose this game again.**_

Lose? Lose at what?

_**Nothing that would concern you, truly.**_

Well there's something I wanted to talk to you about. Concerning your brother.

_**Edward?**_

No, the emotional one.

_**Jasper?**_

Yes.

_**What about him?**_

Your brother's been a bit...different lately. Off.

_**How do you mean?**_

Well.....take his fashion sense. He's been wearing very....ostentatious clothing. Lime greens, hot pinks, and black.

_**So?**_

Well it's not just that. Though I can't see how Alice is allowing him to dress this way. It's also his nails. He's painted them.

_**HAHAHAHAH really? I just can't WAIT to rag on him about that!**_

Now, Emmett, I thought I'd made it perfectly clear to the family that there would be no teasing about sexuality under my roof. If your brother wants to be gay, he can go ahead and be gay.

_**Oh, COME ON! That is soooo not fair, and you know it. **_

You're right. That wasn't very fair. Perhaps he is not gay after all, only bisexual.

_**....that's not really what I meant....**_

In any case, that's not even all that he's done. Every time I see him he growls at me, and then there's the worst thing...

_**And what's that?**_

He's.....well....I don't know how to put this, so I'm just going to come right out and write it.

_**Fine by me.**_

Jasper has dyed his hair black with purple streaks, and flat-ironed it.

_**WHAT? Jasper de-fluffified his hair?????**_

Yes! It's excruciatingly disturbing.

_**I can imagine! **_

Oh, Emmett, I'm afraid he might be....Dear Lord, I can't even write it! I'm afraid he might be emo!

_**I just still can't get over the fact that he flat-ironed his hair! I thought I smelled burning hair before, but I assumed you had attempted cooking again and had singed your ponytail....that is, I mean, I thought it must have been one of the girls.**_

No, it wasn't. It was Jasper. And when I went upstairs just now to confront him about it, he growled at me! Again!

_**Oh, Esme, Esme, Esme. Poor Esme. I see what's going on here. Don't you worry your pretty little head. Your son is not emo! Or rather, Jasper is not. I can't really say about Edward. And then again, Jasper is most certainly probably most likely depressed, if not insane. But he's not emo.**_

So what is wrong with him then?

_**Jasper is simply being a scene kid. That would explain the way he's dressing, his hair, his nails...even the growling.**_

How does it explain the growling?

_**Esme, don't you know anything? What exactly has he been saying to you?**_

"Rawr!"

_**Exactly. That's scene kid for 'I love you'. I'll wager anything he's been growling a lot at Alice, too.**_

Ew. Nice mental image you just gave me there, Em. Hm. Well this certainly puts an interesting twist on things.

_**DIE, COP! DIE!**_

Excuse me?

_**Oh, excuse me. I was talking to the game.**_

The game? What game?

_**What? Oh, it's called Grand Theft Auto. You steal cars and shit.**_

Moderate your language, sil vous plait. So that's what you were doing with your feet.

_**Well I couldn't very well play with my hands, now, could I? Not while I was writing to you, I couldn't. My feet are every bit as dexterous as my hands, as Rose would know. GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY, OLD BITCH!**_

Emmett!

_**Sorry.**_

And I'm not even going to ask why Rose would know such a thing.

_**Ha. No, Esme, you don't wanna know.**_

As I presumed. Alright then. I'm off to have a talk with my unfortunately misbehaving son.

_**Hm? I thought we'd covered Jasper?**_

No, Edward. He's also been having some behavior problems lately, though nothing I can't handle on my own as his mother.

_**Such as?**_

He's been rebelling against your father and me. It's a teenager thing; he never really had an adolescent period of life, and I think he means to make up for it now by doing all those things like crashing our cars, staying out past his curfew, and rebelling against his parents. He thinks he's punk and cool. But somebody needs to tell him to settle the fuck down: he's got a wife and a kid and an eventual-son-in-law to support, and he wont be able to do that slacking his ass off day after day watching television on the couch.

_**That little rant right there? Yeah, that made zero sense.**_

FUCK YOU! I need to be a mother! But no one needs me anymore!!!!!!!!!

_**Esme, are you crying?**_

NO, GODDAMNIT! You fool! VAMPIRES CAN'T CRY!

_**Oh. Sorry.**_

You bet your ass you're sorry.

_**I just lost the game.**_

Godfuckingdamnit. I hate you, Emmett. You truly are my least favorite son.

_**Good to know.**_


	97. get like me get get like me

_**Get like me! Get get like me!**_

_No, Emmett. No._

_**Tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I'm not fucking scared of him.**_

_....you're a vampire._

_**That's beyond the point!**_

_But you are. _

_**Shaddup.**_

_And it's 'husband', not 'boyfriend'._

_**It's a freaking song, Bella.**_

_What is?_

_**You suck.**_

_....literally. _


	98. Norway

Bella! Hei, min kjaerest svigerinne. Og hvordan er du denne fine aftenen?

_What?_

Også dårlig du er ikke mer et menneske. Jeg er helt sulten og vil meget mye liker spise deg akkurat nå. Å, ser! En sommerfugl!

_Alice! You know I don't speak Lithuanian._

I'm not even sure that's a real language, Bella.

_Real-shmeal. Who cares what's real anymore? We're not supposed to be real. BUT HERE WE ARE. VAMPIRES ARE NOT REAL, BUT HERE WE STAND.....er, SIT, DOING COOL VAMPIRE STUFF._

Cool vampire stuff? Like what?

_Um, like sitting. And, um, thinking. And breathing! Ha! And..........watching TV, and not blinking, and dissolving contacts with the venom in our eyes. And like........writing faster than we can possibly vibrate our vocal chords in a plausible way that would actually produce some type of comprehensible sound. Ever think about that?_

No, actually.

_So what language was that?_

Norwegian.

_.....Interesting. Care to tell how you came to learn Norwegian?_

Jasper and I lived there for a time.

_Really? Why? Norway is gross._

How would you know? You've never been there.

_.....Psh. Pshhhhh. Psh........psh._

Ha. Got no comeback, Bella?

_Psh. Comebacks are stupid. Pshhhhhhh._

Mmhmm.

_So why did you guys go live in Norway?_

Well...if you MUST know....soon after we first were married, the rest of the family sort of....kicked Jasper and me out of the house.

_They DID? Why?????_

Um....well Jasper was having trouble controlling his emotions. And therefore, was inadvertently screwing with the emotions of people around him, as well.

_I don't get it._

Lust, Bella, lust.

_OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Hey, Alice, you know what's a cool name? Alfredo. It starts with an A, just like Alice! _

Yes, Bella. Astute observation.

_CAN I CALL YOU ALFREDO?_

Anyways, Bella, would you like to know **why** I was speaking Norwegian at that specific moment in time?

_I have a strange feeling I'm not going to like the answer._

And why's that?

_You used bold._

I just got a phone call from a person in Norway.

_Okay? Who?_

Apparently some woman named Kayla lives on the coast found a package trapped in the ice in the sea. It was addressed to me. And my phone number was written on it.

_..........Crap._

The SEA, Bella? How did my birthday present drift all the way to NORWAY????????

_Well, I bought it for you right? But since you knew what it was, I didn't want you to find it and get it before your birthday. So I tried to find the best place to hide it..._

IN THE SEA?

_No! I'm not THAT stupid, Alfredo. No, I put it in the river. It must have drifted out to sea though...._

Ya think?!?!?!?!?!?

_Hey, now. Calm down._

Bella! You simply do not buy your sister the greatest birthday present of all time, and then let it drift all the way to Norway! Ugh, I bet the kittens are dead by now anyway.

_Al! Relax! Besides, if they're dead, you can still suck whatever blood remains inside them._

Are you kidding, Bella? I am NOT some SCAVENGER who feeds off of DEAD CORPSES!

_Well, irregardless, Al, technically all corpses are dead...._

TECHNICALLY, irregardless is not a word.

_Don't get saucy with me, Alfredo._

* * *

**If you don't get that last line, you will be forced to spend all of eternity eternity grinding, pop-lock-and-dropping, spanking, moonwalking, and doing the running man with Mike Newton at an authentic 70's-themed disco.**

**With no roof.**

**When it's raining.**

**Naked.**

**In January.**

**....up north. **

**(because if, like me, you live in Florida, it wouldn't make a difference whether it was January or July.)**

**Does anyone know where the inspiration for that last line is from? I just changed the name, cuz most people wouldnt know what the original was........You get to spend eternity running your fingers longingly through Jasper's curly, golden, leonine, AMAZINGLY FLUFFY AND ORGASM-INDUCING locks. No joke. I will love you forever.**

**So, long time no Author's Note! Just havent had much to say. It's funny, I used to be obsessed with my number of reviews. I could hardly care anymore. I'm happy with what I have. I actually don't even care anymore.**

**On a side [author's] note, please don't ask/tell me to use better grammar. I personally think that I use some of the best grammar that I have seen on this site, or honestly, even on the internet. No, not really, I'm not that arrogant. But I hate when people use horrible grammar, and I really try my hardest to use great grammar. Sorry for getting testy (or SAUCY, haha...). It's a touchy subject for me. Almost as touchy as I would be if I ever laid hands on Jasper's gorgeous fluffiness.....**

**OH CRAP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!???!!?! I just had Jasper flat-iron his hair two chapters ago!!!!! WAAAAAAAA!!!!! Okay, well then the whole if-you-get-the-joke-hair-thing will be in effect, assuming I somehow, at some point, refer back to the flatironing, letting you guys know in the process that Jasper had at some point restored his hair to it's perfect perfectness. Alright?**

**...did that even make sense?**

**Basically, eventually I will restore Jasper's golden hair back to its original state of radiating sunshine. The reward for knowing where the inspiration for the saucy joke used in the note will come into effect promptly after the restoration.**

**Though, tbh (to be honest), this reward does not come with a satisfaction guarantee. If you get your hand bitten off and consequently the blood that squirts out of your decapitated hand sucked out of you, that is not my fault. Furthermore, should he reject you and insist that he already has one crazed fan (his pet name for me; i prefer to refer to myself as his lover) who finger-rapes his hair everyday and really will not stand for any more teenagers squealing around him all the time, I cannot be held responsible. Alright?**

**It had better be alright. **

**I'm the author.**

**I can do anything I want.**

**I can even make Edward, Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, Jacob, Seth, AND Caius all fall in love with some random human stranger who has yet to be named.**

**Hint, hint.**

**You want to be that stranger? Holla atcha girl. I would be happy to oblige.**

**Though it would be nice to put myself in a note every once in a while....**

**And make everyone fall in love with me. AND I SHALL BECOME RULER OF THE EARTTHTHTHTHTHTHTHHHH!!!!!!!!**

**MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**---Sam**


	99. Boredom

**I'm bored. What to do...what to do.  
****Hey, Bella! What's up??!?!?!?!?!? Wanna hang out???!??!**

_Woah there. Easy on the punctuation._

**Hey! Bellllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Let's go arm wrestle! Wanna arm wrestle?**

_No thanks, Emmett. I was gonna go hunting._

**With who?**

_Uh...Jasper? Yeah, Jasper. Kbye!_

**Oh. Okay. Bye :(  
Hey!!!!! Jasper!!1 Jasss-pah! Jazzy-poo-bee! Jasperina! Jaseline! Jaskinowsky! Princess Jasmine Tutu Maria Fairy Leah Haley Nicole Alexandra! Where's your pretty dress, sexy chica?**

**_WOAH. Dude! That was ONE TIME. You NEED to stop bringing that up!_**

**Jeez, chill. SOOOO!!!!! Wanna hang out??????**

**_Oh, uh, I, uh...can't. Sorry. Another time._**

**Oh, watcha doin?**

**_Oh....not much...just, um, hunting?_**

**Oh, with Bella.**

**_No, alone. Why?_**

**Well Bella just told me you two were going hunting together now....**

**_OH! Yeah! That's right! That's what I meant to say. Yep, hunting with Bella. Um....kay, bye!_**

**Why is everyone so busy? And why is Jasper being so jumpy? It must be all the emotions. What a creep. It's like he's PMSing constantly. Poor guy.  
ROSE!!!!! Hey, sexy lady. What are YOU doing tonight? Wanna....get busy? If ya know what I mean ;) ;) ;) ;)**

_Emmet, not right not. I have NO time to talk to you right now. I AM SO BUSY! I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY!_

**Jeez, hon, what happened?**

_EDWARD happend! He had the nerve, no, the audacity, NO, the BRAVERY, to accidentally break, BREAK, my mirror, MYYYYYY mirror!!!!!!!!!!!_

**Ummmmmmmm...okay! I'll see you later, then?**

_ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHASKLDFJG;LKJG!!!!!!!!!!!!_

**Allllllllllrighty, then.  
Who else is around? Alice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

I can't.

**Wait, how did you know what I was going to----oh. Yeah. Right.**

Carlisle and Esme wont be back for another three days.

**WOAH, you totally just read my mind! How did you do that? I thought Edward was the mind reader! That was amazi----oh. Yeah. Right.**

Try Edward. And if you really get desperate, the dog's outside. Tootles!

**Yeah, tootles. Jeez, what a crazy lady. She really gives me the creeps. Who did she say I should talk to? Oh yeah Edward! Where is that old geezer? Edward?  
****EDWARD! My bah-roth-a! My brotha from anotha motha!...and fatha! Whazzzup in da hizzousesesese??**

**Oh...Emmett...hello.**

**WHAZZZZZZZUPPP!**

**A myriad of items are currently up. The sky, clouds, a couple of airplanes flying over Nevada, some people skydiving in California....Why the query?**

**...Well I was gonna ask if you wanted to hang out...but now I figure you must be busy....um...reading or mixing chemicals, or....like....being smart....or something.**

**No, I'm not doing anything right now! Why, did you want to go discover some new species of insects with me? Or categorize some rock samples? Or WAIT! I know just the thing! We can organize the trees on the other side of the river by their quality of bark!**

**You know, something JUST came up. Turns out I'm not bored after all! **

**Farewell, my companion! I shall see thee at Philipi!**

**Yeah, see you at Philli-whoosit-whatsit. Whatever THAT's supposed to mean. Bye.  
He is just too weird. He makes my head hurt. Just talking to him....Kudos to Bella for putting up with him. Jeez.  
But I'm still bored! WHY WONT ANYONE TALK TO ME???? NO ONE LOVES ME!!!!!!!  
I could talk to the doggg....?? No, I'm not THAT desperate. Hmph.**

**I'm just soooooooooooo bored! What is there to doooo around here? Everyone is either busy, or a creep, or...or...or a dog! NO BODY CARES ABOUT ME! I'M ALLLL ALONNNNNNNNNNE!!!!!!!!!**

You're not alone, Uncle Emmy. I'm here!

**Renesmee? You? I should hang out with YOU?**

Yep, why not?

**YOU wanna hang out with ME?**

Why not? You're cool!

**Well, frankly, I would think that I would scare you.**

Scary? You? BWAHAHAH! Never!

**I'm....I'm not....I'm not scary? **

Psh, not at all! You're the least scary person I know! You couldn't scare the leaves off a tree. Oh...oh no....Oh, Uncle Emmy, please stop crying! You are scary, I promise! I'm sure you scare lots of things! Like....um, like mice! Or squirrels! Oh pleaseplease please stop crying! I didn't mean to...aw, look at that face! You're such a cutie! Teehee, you look like a teddy bear when you cry! My own personal teddy bear, fluffy, and squishy, and safe....Oh dear, I just made things worse, didn't I. Don't be sad, Uncle Emmy! You're still the strognest! I mean, technically you're not, seeing how Mommy is really the strongest still....But you're curls are the nicest! Well, except mine...mine are prettier. You're the funniest! Except for Jacob, he's hilarious! Okay, but you're definately the most....the best at...um...But...you have nice....feet?

**WELL YOU'RE SHORT!**

-sigh- I know.

So! Long time no see! Wowza, it's been awhile.

I have a few requests. Yes, I know you love my notes. I'm great. Yes. Alrighty. Now that THAT's been established....

You know what's NOT fun for me? Being kept up all night because my phone keeps buzzing. And why does my phone keep buzzing? Because my phone gets my emails, and I keep getting emails. Why do i keep getting emails? Because I get emails from fanficdotnet. why did i keep getting emails from this website? Because somebody left SEVENTY NINE reviews last night, between the nine forty-five and twelve twenty-four. And the worst part? Not only did one person decide to review almost every single one of my chapters at a ridiculous time of night, but the reviews they left were all similar to this: **Weee! I'm hyper! Funny story! IM HYPER SORRY SUGAR RUSH WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Any person who has every written a story and gotten reviews can tell you that this is NOT A PLEASANT THING TO BE FORCED TO WITNESS.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

Please be mindful of the author when you review. No one likes to get email spam, and while this might not have actually been spam, it was worse than any spam i've ever gotten. Please be respectful.

And with that, I bid you all adieu.

* * *


	100. LOL Smileyface

Shawty just text me, say she wanna sex me. Lol, smiley face! Lol, smiley face!

**What?**

Shawty sent a twit pic, sayin 'Come and get this.' Lol, smiley face! Lol, smiley face!

**You're perposterous, Emmett. I have no desire to know any more about your sex life than the disgusting details I'm forced to hear about via your perverted thoughts.**

Jeez, it's just a song Shmedward. Chill down!

**Chill down?**

Mmhmm. Chill down, or calm out, it's all the same to me. 

**You make no sense.**

Have you heard that new Shakira song? 

**Shakira? What? No, Emmett, I have not. What is your strange obsession with pop music? It's all trash.**

Edward, Edward, Edward. When will you learn? It's not an obsession with pop MUSIC, it's an obsession with pop SINGERS. Only Rose can be a tad bit jelly, if ya dig what I'm sayin, so i pretend to be merely obsessed with the muuuuuuusic. 

**Jelly?**

Jelous. Zomgwtfsrsly, ur such a n00b.

**A what?**

Nevermind. So anyhoo, I'd appreciate if you'd keep it on the DL from Rosie, ya diggggggg?

**You're insane.**

Insane in the membrane. (INSANE! GOT NO BRAIN!)

**Well it doesn't really work quite like that. You see, the brain is a very complicated thing.**

BOOOOO-RIIIIING! So the new Shakira song. Have you heard it?

**Of course, yours is not complicated at all. Yes I have. It's not merely atrocious, it's beyond easily detestable. If only it possessed one tiny shred of musical quality, I could listen to it without wishing I was a human so that I could kill myself.**

.....You CAN kill yourself. 

**But ripping myself apart and burning the pieces would take much too long. In the time between making the decision to kill myself and actually achieving the desired result, I would inevitably hear the song in my head and those of other people's, and it would drive me to vampiric insanity, and if insane, I would be unable to perform said task of suicide.**

...Hm.

**Yes.**

I see.

**Indeed.**

Wait, WHAT? You didn't like it? It's an amazing song!!!!!!!

**You only like it because Shakira sings it.**

Not true! It's a great song!

**I'd do anything to avoid listening to that song. I'd rather stab myself repeatedly in the nostril with a shapeshifting werewolf claw. On my mental list of terrible songs, with the worse songs being on the top of the list, that song ranks even higher than Party in the USA. Miley Cyrus disgusts me.**

Um, wow. You hateeee that song, if you hate ir more than Miley's.

**I hate it more than I hate Lol Smileyface.**

Really? Woooooooooooow you reaaaaaally hate that song. So that must mean you, like......especially hate that Shakira song.

**I do.**

More than you hate Jacob?

**Oh god no! I hate nothing more than I hate Jacob. I bet there's nothing in this world you hate more than I hate Jacob.**

I doubt that.

**Name one thing.**

Uh....um....I really really hate..........................not...having sex...with Rose?

**...Eh. Fine. Touche.**


	101. Silly Jasper, TimeOut is for Kids

_**Um....Alice....**_

Yes, Carlywarly, Father Dearest?

_**What is Jasper doing?**_

He's standing in a corner, silly! Oh, he's just so cyoooote when he pouts!

_**Let me clarify. Why is my son sulking in that corner? Is he going through another one of his emo stages? **_

Well, not exactly...he's sort of being punished.

_**Punished? Whatever do you mean? And why, oh WHY is he wearing nothing but a diaper?**_

What I mean is that he got himself in trouble, and Esme punished him.

_**What on Earth did he do?**_

It's a funny story, really. Jacob was out back before, showing off his ability to start fires by practically just _looking_ at wood (I mean really, that boy is FINE). Jasper was getting a bit....well...you know how Jasper gets.

_**Are you referring to his notorious mood swings?**_

Yes, exactly. So one minute he's sitting on Bella's head because he can't seem to leave her alonnnnne, the annoying imbecile, because apparently Little Miss PerkyPants is sooo much happier than me that he has to spend all his time with _her_, not _me _--I swear if that boy is having an affair I personally am going to tear him limb from limb and have Jacob light him on fire-- the nerve of some people! I hate him soooo much right now, I really just want to ARGGGGG!

_**Alice.......**_

Ok, Carly, so he's being all lovey-dovey, hanging on Bella, and all of a sudden he looks up at Jacob, who is busy setting things on fire about 50 yards away, and, WHAM, Jasper jumps up and lands a couple feet away from Jacob.....and that's when it started.

_**That's when what started?**_

Well we weren't sure at first. Jacob just started bursting in and out of his wolf form. Naturally we all sat and stared. Nessie made herself some popcorn. But then Eddykinz ran out of the house waving his arms around like a madman, shouting incomprehensibly and eventually we figured out that Jasper was making Jacob furious, and then not, and then furious, and not....causing him to burst in and out of giant-shaggy-wolf-form. I'm sure Edward caught way more of a glimpse than he'd ever wanted to....

_**Oh dear lord.**_

Needless to say, Esme was beyond anger. I mean she was furious for about a second, then Jasper made us all veryyy veryyy sleepy, and the next thing I remember after that, the two of us were in our bedroom and Jasper was wearing a diaper and sucking on a pacifier, and I was in lingerie I've never seen before.

_**Alice...**_

He actually has excellent taste in lingerie. The things that man can do with silk...

_**Excuse me? I don't think you should be telling me this....**_

I was kinda creeped out, you know? But he was sending waves of lust at me so, you know, I didn't really wanna leave all that much....But then Esme ran in, because I guess Jasper forgot to keep her from being angry, and then she put him in a corner.

_**So...Jasper is in time-out?**_

Effectively, yes.

_**This entire situation is beyond ridiculous.**_

Carlisle, do you think you could talk to Esme about letting him go?

_**Why in the world would I do that? He deserves his punishment!**_

Well I think the reason you should get him out of time-out is because he's doing that whole Tee-hee-let's-make-Alice-lusty thing and if I don't get him alone soon I think I'm going to be forced to jump Jacob.

_**This is madness. I don't know what to think.**_

Too late. Tell Nessie I apologize. JACOOOOB!! HERE BOY!!!!!

_**For the last time, Alice, he can't hear you! You're writing on a piece of paper!**_

SHADDAP!


End file.
